Laundry consequences for 12 year old

[Mihagino402]

DS aged 12 refuses to put his dirty clothes in the laundry, he just leaves them in his room. So this Sunday evening I told him he had to wear his dirty school uniform to school as the laundry had been done over the weekend and he hadn’t put any in.

He was not happy. I do have a spare clean set, but the point was for him to learn the consequences of his actions. (his polo shirt was only one day old so just his trousers and hoody which weren’t visibly stained).

DH agreed, but then Monday morning after much arguing between DS and DH, I find DH has got DS to put his uniform in the washing machine, and DS is sat in his bedroom in tracksuit bottoms and the polo shirt with DH saying he has to go to school in that. DS refusing to go to school.

So I have no choice but to give DS the spare clean uniform.

AIBU to be super angry with DH as he forced me into a situation where I had to give the clean uniform to DS and DS faced no consequences.

Well, it was a last minute rush of a consequence (decided Sunday night) - you and DH should sit down and agree what your response will be if/when this happens in future.

To be honest I wouldn't mess with school attendance or standards, but I'd discuss some other consequence that affects DS's free time. E.g. we're not setting off for your mate's house/football practice/the Christmas fair until all your dirty clothes are in that hamper. Etc.

I think YABU unless you explicitly told your son what the consequences were in advance.

Yes, it’s annoying to not put his dirty clothes in the laundry to be washed but did you say to him, before the weekend, “if your clothes aren’t put in the laundry, they won’t be washed and you will be going to school next week in dirty clothes?”

If he ends up missing school because of this, it will also go down as an unauthorised absence and too many of those means that both parents are fined so I can see why your DH is getting involved, since your actions can end up impacting him.

Your DH gave in to avoid a fuss but that doesn't teach your DS anything. You're not asking your DS to do his own laundry, just to put it where you'll know it needs washing. Ask your DH not to undermine you when you're trying to teach your DC some valuable life lessons

I agree with @takealettermsjones . But I would also check how many times you asked him? I don't trust DD(11) to regularly and consistently put her laundry in the wash box, so I will remind her when she changes then when she goes to bed, then when I am putting the washing machine on so she has 3 chances to 'fail' before she has no clean uniform. He is unlikely to care about school uniform so find something he does care about as a consequence.

Is he refusing to put them in the laundry, or just forgetting? When you put laundry in on saturday, did you tell him to run upstairs and get his uniform, or did you decide that there would be consequences as he hadn't done it already?
Honestly, I think you need a bit of leeway, particularly when you had a spare set anyway. Make other punishments, particularly as he had now seen how close he came to consequences.

How familiar. My son is 10, but I keep reminding him to bring it down every time I do the laundry. No, I'd not force my son to go to school dirty if I had a spare set. I might change my mind in a couple of years though...

Why was the solution not for him to do his own laundry last night? It sounds like there was time to resolve this issue but you engineered a situation in which the consequences were much more serious than they needed to be - if that's the case then I can see why your husband wasn't on board.

I’ve just started teaching my children how to do laundry as I’ve always found that when they feel ownership over their belongings then naturally they take a pride in them. My little one is particularly interested in laundry labels as a consequence of this!
I have been criticised of my approach but I went to university with man who couldn’t do laundry, cook anything or even boil a kettle! So I’m quite comfortable with my parenting.

Sit down as a family and discuss - I would give your DS responsibility for doing his own laundry from now on. Remind him on a Saturday that if he doesn't do his laundry he won't have clean clothes for Monday but don't do it for him.

That consequence should have been given on Friday. Some children need more guidance than others and you set him up to fail. The pair of you need to do better.

I would have told him that he needed to put a wash on last night. My 12 yo does his own laundry, he has a set day when the machine is free for him to use it. If he has any bits that need putting in during the week he can put them in my midweek wash, but he has to bring it down and let me know. I do remind him still, and there have been times when he’s thrown something on the floor and missed washing it. He once had no black socks for school because he’d kicked them all underneath his bed.

What did your DH plan to happen when he had DS put the washing on? He knows how long it takes to do a wash and dry it - so he must have had a plan?

If it was to wear the jogging bottoms, I agree it wasn't a good plan, but I would have left them to it TBH. By giving him he spare, clean ones, you undermined your DH.

On the other hand, why were you keeping clean ones back rather than just letting him use them and face the consequences later in the week? Consequences are consequences even a couple of days later, and that way you don't look like you're just being petty.

I wouldn't send my child to school in dirty uniform but I would make him bring his dirty clothes down to be washed - no wifi/tv/dinner/phone until it's done - even if you have to stand over him to make sure it's done! When I told my kids to bring their dirty clothes down, I meant now and I'd make sure they did it!

I’m all for consequences, but that does seem like one that was poorly thought out by both of you.

Consequences here are that if laundry isn’t in the basket then I don’t wash it - they have to do it themselves and they become responsible for drying and folding it too. On a Sunday when they’d rather be doing other things. But I still ensure it’s done and they have clean uniforms for the week because a) I’m not having a child of mine go to school dirty and b) I’m not having them try to use it as an excuse for not going to school. I’d far rather the consequence for them was inconvenience and wasting their leisure time than they smell or look scruffy at school.

I have a laundry bin for DS in his bedroom so he puts his clothes into that. I don’t think this is something to make a huge deal about. 🤷🏻‍♀️