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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What purpose does this serve?

9 replies

LetTheDogsLie · 08/12/2025 00:10

I’m recently married and have been with my DH for the best part of a decade. Prior to meeting him I had a uni friend who I went on a holiday with and we had a fling. Given we’d been friends for years I also knew his family a bit. When I met DH he kept saying things like he felt we’d always have a special connection and in the end he kept trying to come onto me when we would catch up so I blocked him and moved on. We haven’t been in anything resembling regular contact for about 7 years and I’ve not heard from him at all in nearly 5 years after he messaged to say a relative of his was dying and I politely sent my condolences but nothing more.

Out of the blue, he has messaged to tell me he is now living in the USA with his wife and adopted children, but will be in London early next year, wants to see if there is any possibility of a platonic friendship, and would like to meet my husband (and has congratulated me on my marriage). It’s a very elaborate message and has made me extremely uncomfortable. I just don’t understand why he would ever think I would say yes to this, or what purpose it would serve? We don’t keep in touch at all, and I am happy with my life. All I can think is it’s some egotistical thing? But why would he want his wife to meet me?

OP posts:
TinselTitts · 08/12/2025 00:14

Dunno but I wouldn't give it any more head space.

How did he manage to contact you?

meganorks · 08/12/2025 00:16

I would assume he was thinking 'we used to be good friends but I messed it up. But now I'm married too maybe we could be friends again as I'm not a threat.'

Doesn't sound like you think that or care at all about being friends though (which is fine) so probably best to ignore

LetTheDogsLie · 08/12/2025 00:17

Facebook messenger - we’re not friends, it’s sitting there as a message request

OP posts:
LetTheDogsLie · 08/12/2025 00:23

meganorks · 08/12/2025 00:16

I would assume he was thinking 'we used to be good friends but I messed it up. But now I'm married too maybe we could be friends again as I'm not a threat.'

Doesn't sound like you think that or care at all about being friends though (which is fine) so probably best to ignore

We’ve now been out of touch for longer than we were ever friends and I lost a lot of respect for him. Sure, the fling was intense, but I see no benefit in even trying to explain this relationship to my husband and going through the awkwardness of meeting, and I wouldn’t go off to meet alone as I think it’d be disrespectful. He also lives half a world away, so there’s no social argument for trying to be all friendly as we’d never need to see each other.

I am debating whether to ignore or politely decline and simply say thanks but I don’t think there’s any way forward here.

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meganorks · 08/12/2025 00:36

Honestly, I'd say ignore. Don't let him know he's reached you or that you've thought about it (even if the thought is absolutely not!). Just don't engage.

WallaceinAnderland · 08/12/2025 00:51

How did he message if you had blocked him?

LetTheDogsLie · 08/12/2025 00:56

WallaceinAnderland · 08/12/2025 00:51

How did he message if you had blocked him?

I blocked him and then unblocked a few months later but never accepted his requests (which came quickly across all platforms). Honestly I don’t specifically remember why I unblocked him, there must’ve been a reason

OP posts:
LetTheDogsLie · 08/12/2025 00:57

meganorks · 08/12/2025 00:36

Honestly, I'd say ignore. Don't let him know he's reached you or that you've thought about it (even if the thought is absolutely not!). Just don't engage.

Thank you, I think this is probably right!

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WallaceinAnderland · 08/12/2025 01:03

Unblocking probably was enough to give him hope. I agree that you should ignore it. Any engagement will just encourage him. He sounds a bit stalkerish tbh.

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