Colleagues messed up relationship

[Disturbedisanunderstatement]

Sorry if this is a long one but looking for perspectives. I’m not in the UK so hopefully this thread won’t be found by anyone who recognizes this situation.
About a year and a half ago it came out in the office that two colleagues were having an affair. Some of the colleagues were in a tight group, going on vacations together, nights out, the lot. The man,called Tim on this thread (living with then partner) was at the center of this group was ostracized from the group. The woman (at the time married) was a younger, newer colleague, and nobody would touch her with a barge pole after this came out.
While I agree cheating is wrong, I was not bothered enough to get involved. I tried to remain neutral and pleasant to everyone. However, I did realize over time that the female colleague, let’s call her Liz, has some issues. She often has crying fits in the office, talks a lot about having an eating disorder at inappropriate moments, like while people are eating lunch, gets very personal with people very quickly. Something giving me crazy vibes, but since I was one of the only people still talking to her in the office, she kind of latches onto me a bit.
She has also told me she and Tim, now boyfriend (her husband divorced her and the two colleagues now live together) like to go swinging and are into some pretty weird sex stuff. Again I’ve just put this down to different strokes for different folks, not my business kind of stuff.
Fast forward to this weekend. It was the work Christmas party until around midnight, and then a load of us went on to a club, which stays open to around 8am. It’s quite common for this to happen because it’s a work hard play hard kind of environment and leadership usually hand someone a load of cash for people to take taxis and buy drinks.
At some point in the night I bumped into Liz in the line for the toilet. She introduced me to a woman who I then realized had her hand in Liz’s nickers. Liz is mid twenties. This woman looked much older and I asked how old she was and she replied 55, but I think she appeared much older. I don’t want to rip into her looks but she was not attractive and Liz is actually a very physically attractive woman. When the cubicles became free I ended up in the one next to them. They went in together and I could hear sexual moans coming from them. It actually distracted me from being able to pee so I heard enough to know what was going on.
I then went back to the dance floor and Tim was there, so I told Tim what was happening, thinking she is clearly too drunk/being taken advantage of and he needed to go help her. Instead he told me that he had encouraged her to go with this woman. I was like but have you actually met this person because they are super creepy and I didn’t get a good feeling. He just shrugged.
Later in the night I encountered her stood on a chair being groped by a load of strangers and this time I didn’t say anything. The next time I heard from someone else she had taken a taxi back with some random guy, and they also called it out to Tim who just again shrugged it off and said he was going to join them later.

So here’s the Aibu:

AIBU: Let swingers be swingers. If this is their kink it’s none of my business and I just need to pretend this night never happened.

AINBU: This is wrong because

• Fine swing but don’t make it a spectacle in front of your colleagues and make them listen in the next cubicle
• I should be worried for Liz because she’s in a relationship with an older man and probably has mental health issues and it looks like he’s exploiting her to fulfill his own weird sexual fantasies. Tim has been openly disrespectful to Liz in other ways around the office so I do think he holds a lot of control in the relationship.
• I should be worried for Tim because his gf is absolutely insane and he’s lost all his friends and social life for this nut job.

On the one hand I just want to forget but on the other hand I want to get this off my chest and get opinions without discussing this with others at work about it. One colleague has already rang me today asking me what I think about it all and im trying to just move my way back into the neutral zone. However I don’t know how I can look Liz or Tim in the eyes again after this.

I think you need to stop socialising at all with these colleagues.

It all sounds dysfunctional and a bit desperate but unless you think Liz is being taken advantage of there's nothing to be gained from weighing in: you'll make yourself look like a shit-stirrer.

I'd stop hanging around with them. Debauchery at that scale is best kept at a very long length from work.

None of your business really, keep away from them, be civil at work, don't judge or gossip

This is nonsense 🙄

Assuming this is true, I would stop socialising with them.
The most I’d say, is to tell Liz to take care of herself and that you hope she is safe. Then back away.

Anyone else read the entire post in an American accent?

This sounds so similar to a couple I knew when living in Germany.

Its their life, just turn the other way.

Leave them be

Do you actually believe Liz is vulnerable? If so, I would have a coffee outside work to just have a chat & question if she is really into this or just remind her that she is her own person. Then at least you know you tried. After that, I would stay out of it & avoid socialising with them.

I think porn has heavily influenced some people & I know of situations where people were groomed/pressured into trying things and only realised what happened to them later on. Liz may have loads of issues or she may just be this way inclined.

I would give them a wide berth and otherwise ignore

personally, it’s not my drama.

I would therefore distance myself from everyone involved. I don’t want to be involved, overhearing sex, hearing about swinging lifestyles, everyone being aware and gossiping etc. leave me out of it.

What sort of club do you go to where security let you stand on a chair even without all the groping

I’m shocked this is happening in front of work colleagues. Why would they want them to see it?

So Liz cant be possbily doing this because she chose too, a man is to blame? why is it automatically assumed a woman cant think for herself, sure all sounds revolting and sleazy but it is up to them, all adults

I would leave them all to it and focus on work

This woman looked much older and I asked how old she was and she replied 55, but I think she appeared much older

This is the weirdest part in my opinion. Who asks someone in the queue for toilets how old they are? I can’t believe she told you. Surely you could see she was around that age, why did you actually ask her? Bizarre.

Apart from that, just step back, none of it has anything to do with you. Leave them to their oddness.

You won't help them, they don't need or want your help, so let them get on with it. You chose to go out partying with them, in future don't do that. People who love drama and are constantly shoving their bizarre life choices, whether sexual or otherwise, in other people's faces are to be avoided at all costs, unless you like the drama too.

Don't keep gossiping about them, and of course you must just pretend none of it happened and avoid conversations with them, unless you want to be a part of it all.

Personally, I'd find another job.

I know a couple a bit like this, just let them be them, you don't need to join in!

I know many people find it hard to believe but it really did happen this way.

Im really going to keep my distance, that’s for sure.

I have had a feeling for a while that Liz will do anything to get attention, and because I am one of the few people who didn’t ignore her she’s deliberately drawn my attention to what she was doing to get my reaction and I don’t like the feeling I’ve been brought into this twisted game. The reason I asked the woman how old she was is because I was absolutely disgusted about what they were doing in the line and the obvious age difference. I was also drunk so not inhibited to ask directly and with clear disapproval. I would have done the same if it was a young lad with such an older woman and her hands in his pants or an older man with a young girl. I’m also not a spring chicken and I believe it carries some responsibility.

However I also think if Tim really cared about Liz, regardless of whether they swing privately, he should have been aware of the humiliation this would bring Liz in front of colleagues and when people were approaching him he should have intervened at the least. The fact he was in encouragement gives me the impression he is turned on by the humiliation of Liz or cares so little about her it doesn’t even reach his radar. And since she is young and shows all these other attention seeking behaviors, in a relationship with an older man, it’s a very destructive situation.

But I do know I’m nobody’s hero here and I probably need to just disconnect myself from all of this and focus on doing my work, keeping conversations to the minimum, and getting out of there.

It does disturb me though. I find it all very sad, and I feel like my own boundaries were overstepped in this really weird way that it was keeping me awake at night running through it all in my head.

I actually believe this because I have met a liz. If I hadn’t have met her I’d have not believed this at all. It was when I was a barmaid. (Tavern wench Im so old I believe we were called back then) and “liz” had a nickname amongst the regulars and staff. It was very cruel but there were times I’d absolutely refuse to serve people unless they stopped encouraging her to behave like a free stripper.

@Disturbedisanunderstatement there is nothing you can do here. Ignore. It’s weird and it’s definitely a kink of Tim’s. My good friend and his wife are both colleagues and swingers and I he would never want their business discussed inside work. I think youre right. Tim has a humiliation kink.
Liz does sound vulnerable but absolutely nothing you can do. She’s going along with it. She’s an adult. Not your monkeys.

Liz sounds really vulnerable it makes me feel ill. If it was me, and considering she had displayed her behaviour in public, I would ask her if she was ok with what was going on. If she was healthy and safe. I can’t imagine it being safe with her going off drunk with random strangers.

If she says she’s fine and it’s her life etc I’d then distance myself.

God, that poor woman. I really feel for her. There’s nothing you can do, OP, except distance yourself, but I hope “Liz” gets some help.

Even if Liz is being taken advantage of, what could you do? It’s not like she’s 12 and you can call the authorities. Don’t waste time thinking a good chat will make any difference

people who are sexually exhibitionist and get themselves into relationship dramas often have mental health issues, it’s to be expected really.

That was the weirdest part followed by the whole conversation with the women's hands down Liz pants! I've already filled up one sick bucket. Im on my way to get another! 🤮 🤮 🤮
I cant imagine going to a toilet standing by the mirrors and sinks casually standing talking to some ladies whilst they are touching each other in their privates. The whole thing is ridiculous and bizzare.

It’s exhibitionism.

I couldn't get worked up about Tim and Liz tbh.