What is my problem?

[moanycoo]

As the name suggests, I am a moany cow. I seem to turn everything with my husband into a row. I feel triggered by so much in the drudgery of family with teens and step teens. I Feel like I carry most of the load. Simple bickering can turn me into an angry, defensive bitch. I get so filled with rage, cast stuff up, say stuff I dont mean and I cannot back down. Then hours later i think, what was all that about? Then, I'm filled with guilt and self loathing for days.
What the F is wrong with me?

You do sound like hard work. Ultimately, do you want to be in this relationship? Because if you do then you need to up your game because the advice based on the info provided is that your partner is getting a raw deal.

Perimenopause?

Sounds like perimenopause rage to me.

Do the others in your household pull their weight or is it all down to you?

It's like an irrational rage. It just comes over me.
I do the majority of household and emotional carrying, or have to herd them like cats to do anything.
I'm getting mugged off.

I often feel like this.

Its definitely been a pattern since peri menopause.

I’ve been like that, think it’s genetic - my mother is exactly the same. But I think thats what made me realise I need to chill the f out. I’ve had to do a lot of self work and reflection but where I landed was that I need to take myself away to another room - spew my argument at an empty wall and then it’s done. Direct it at the air, so you’ve let it out but it’s not at anyone causing friction

Sounds like you need a holiday by yourself to reset and recharge.

If you’re carrying the majority of the household/emotional load then it’s pretty understandable that you feel this way, no?

Don’t do anything you don’t want to do, please yourself as much as you possibly can. Don’t be putting yourself out for anyone. Make ‘sorry I can’t’ your default setting. You will feel less of a mug and the rage will ease.

Yeah, i see my mum in me. Everytime I do it, I promise, never again. And I do it again. I will end up with no one. I do so much work on myself but its never enough.

Hang on.
You are doing everything for your kids and his?
An utterly tjsnkless, relentless job.
So you are being used.
Why are you allowing it?
No wonder you are pissed.
You sound worn out.

Drop that rope. Completely.
Before the stress makes you sick.
Because it will.

Are you doing too much for everyone, then getting resentful?

Stop doing all the things!

If you were doing everything before anyway, what's changed to make you feel so angry now? I suggest lower oestrogen levels, especially with the weirdly "out of control" feeling that goes with it.

Hormones? Perimenopause can make you ragey. HRT helped me with the irrational rage.

Though obviously also don’t carry all the load. Why doesn’t your DH help?

Sounds like my daughter she is autistic and when she gets overwhelmed she just has a huge melt down and all her emotions come flooding out then later on when she’s calmer she feels guilty and regrets it but at the time she just erupts. Have you ever considered you could be nd and burnt out?
My dd is only 8 but have you been like this all your life?

Well what’s the root cause? Why are you doing all the work?

This has got worse in the last couple of years. Im 43. I have considered autism and adhd. I have heard it can bcome difficult to mask during peri menopause.

You're resentful, understandably.

I was also going to suggest ADHD - which can cause emotion dysregulation where you go from 0 to 100 in terms of anger very quickly. And say things you don’t mean.

The loss of oestrogen in peri affects domapine levels and can make symptoms worse. You can’t mask anymore and you’re exhausted.