*trigger warning* Parents who stopped contact with DC father due to abuse

[NeedingASafeSpace]

I’ve stopped my DS dad contact with him due to abuse towards me and controlling and threatening behaviour towards me and my family when I have declined him seeing my son (due to having plans made as he didn’t see him for weeks before popping back up requesting to see him). Enough is enough. He’s controlling and a bully. My family won’t engage with him to sort out contact because he’s absolutely harassed my family about it in the past. Calling me names saying I’m this that and the other etc which is NOTHING to do with our son. He declined a parenting app that I offered although this is now void anyway because I’ve made the steps to stop his contact all together. Following this last week I made a dr appointment for my son due to his conjunctivitis and I missed a dr call so they called his dad. His dad then said to me “you didn’t tell me he needed the drs. If I have him in my care and something happens and he needs to go to the hospital I won’t tell you about it see how you like it” he’s also threatened to be having my son around woman I dislike to annoy me. Petty game. I text and explained contact is stopped due to all the above and his aggression and his ability to stick to routine with my DS. Today He text my family and asked if he could see my child today after he finishes work. Like I didn’t text him at all saying no. So I followed up reiterating that he can go through the courts to see my son. I do feel bad though, because I am human. I do wonder if I’m making the right call stopping contact with him.

You are making the right call, i stopped contact with my DD dad 3 years ago, he was also abusive, constantly harassing me and OH, physically assaulted OH, rang ss for no reason just to mess with us, death threats etc, he then started lying to DD, telling her he was going to beat mum n step dad up and showed her the knuckle dusters he was going to use, she started to become really horrible towards us because of his lies until we sat her down n asked her where this was all coming from and she let it all out, we stopped contact, he is now in prison due to behaving the same way to his ex xx

He's the child's father. It sounds like you are being controlling dictating to him about his gf seeing dc. It's Christmas, your child wants everyone who lives her to spend time with them. Agree a time, if he doesn't stick to it continue with your plans and let him cone to you to arrange another time. But your dc comes first.

I had to do this too. He never bothered to go to family court. You might get lucky.

My DC does come first you’re right.

1. he hasn’t got a gf. He uses woman
2. he had a 21 yo DS who doesn’t talk to him because he bullied him and encouraged him (even got him girls) to cheat on his girlfriend with because his dad was jealous of his relationship
3. physically assaulted me more than once in front of DS causing him to scream crying
4. destroy mine and DS belongings when he is in a mood sorry, tell me again your uneducated opinion??

Is his name on the birth certificate?

If so, you may be going about it in the wrong way and probably need legal advice.

This is such an important observation putting questions like this up on a parenting forum is going to get responses from people whose lived experiences simply don’t get the issues. Get legal advice and follow that. Your instincts are to keep him away so see if that is legally possible.

Yes it is. I’ve got advice and it says if I believe my son is in danger (which I do believe he’s at risk of emotional harm, absolutely) then I can withhold contact and it is up to him to get a court order. I have tried to do this civil may I add but that just means he abuses me on text and rings to threaten me if he is unblocked. Believe me in the past I’ve tried but he just proves over and over how he cannot be trusted. I don’t want my son to not have a father involvement but I don’t want him to be brought up around a “dad” like this either. It truly is either, have him around my son and worry about how my son is/what he sees from him when I am not there, while getting continuous abuse off this “man” or cut contact knowing he is safe.

I made this decision 15 years ago. He could have taken me to court for access. He didn’t. My DD16 never even asks about him, hasn’t for years. Just surround him in love and stability he will be fine. Let him take you to court. He probably won’t.

Do you think he'll apply to the court for contact?

Have you contacted the police before when he has abused you?

Yes. I told my XH to take me to court, as I felt he was unsafe and told him to prove to the courts that he was safe (I had plenty of evidence, mostly WhatsApp transcripts of him admitting stuff). Lo and behold, no court, no legal attempts, no attempts after I said it was legal route or nothing. I contacted CMS and he pays, but proving to a court he was safe was beyond what he was willing to do. It’s been years and no contact, no visitation. Once in a while he’ll text me and within minutes of me responding he proves again and again that he’s not safe. I again tell him to take it to court and again he doesn’t bother. I’m in a much better position than all my friends who have contact with their shitty exes. I have yet to meet a non resident father who is an asset to the child’s life and doesn’t use contact purely to bully the mum. People pity me, but I feel like I’ve got the best deal.

I stopped contact between my children and their father due to abuse, on advice from the professional network. We had a non mol in place and he still took me to court for contact despite the children rejecting him and significant children’s services and police involvement.

It has been a truly devastating process but we’re coming to the end of it and have a very rare formal recommendation that no form of contact can be made safe between him and them. After years and years of abuse, the court process truly has been top tier in terms of hell so prepare yourself for the potential road ahead. You will need a lot of evidence to demonstrate that contact is unsafe, and the process is incredibly expensive if you need representation.

Birth cert etc doesn’t make a difference - if you believe your children are at risk of harm you can exercise your parental rights to refuse contact. Make sure your children understand any risks and that there is a safety plan in place. Seek advice from children’s services and your idva/DV service.