Wibu to move school for friendship?

[EmiliaPresident]

My daughter is in year5 (9yo) She’s kind, bubbly and makes friends easily when we go on holiday etc. she’s in a small village school with about ten other girls in her class, and these have been her classmates since reception. She’s friendly with the other girls but doesn’t really have any good solid friends, always more like a third wheel in a friendship of two others. The girls in her class are all quite quiet sort of girls, so no one she really seems to mesh with well. She did have a close friend but she moved away. I think she is finding this quite hard, she really longs for a good friend.
She does a sport locally where she has made a really nice friendship with another girl who goes to a school in a neighbouring village. They really get on so well when they see each other once a week.
im wondering whether it would be totally mad to consider moving her to the neighbouring school for her final year of primary to see if she has better luck with friendships and knowing she already has a friend in that class?
all the schools go to the same high school for year 7 so knowing more people may be advantageous for her,
she has been offered to go to a ‘special’ lunch time club which she says is if you don’t have anyone to play with but I wonder if it’s a SEN thing as she’s in the wait list for ADHD assessment, but she doesn’t often say she’s had nooone to play with, more that she’s tagging on to other groups.

Absolutely don’t do this

What’s the plan for secondary?

Could you elaborate? I really appreciate knowing why

She’s not being bullied
she’s not unhappy
and has good social life out of school
it’s one more year until secondary

If it’s not too much of a pain for you I’d move her.

Dd2 never really clicked with her peers at primary either. She got to secondary and thrived and is now as a late teen the most popular girl I know with legions of lovely friends and a non stop social life. The primary girls were an odd mix of quiet, dull yet also unkind and actually still are. Dd has absolutely nothing to do with them.

No I wouldn’t move her now. Once she gets to high school she will make all the friends she needs. Similar issues where I live. Small schools feeding into larger high school. All my children made fabulous friends at high school that they are still friends with now as adults.

I moved my son after year 1 and it worked so well for him, but if she’s the third wheel rather than no friends I’m not convinced I’d do it in year 5. It puts a lot on one friendship, if you do it I’d speak to the other girl’s mum and see what she says, she may have really strong friendships at school and might be less friendly there. What if there are some bullies, and what works it do to her assessment, it works be good to complete that, not restart, before secondary.

I think if you move her now she risks being the outsider; at secondary it’s a natural transition.

Or she gets to be the shiny new girl with novelty value!

A mum I know moved her Dd in exactly the same circs and it worked really well for her

for the first week

and then revert to established friendships of many years

I guess your dilemma is it’s not terrible just isn’t great.

With hindsight I wish I’d moved Dd. Coincidentally her lovely boyfriend and 4 of her closest friends were all at a nearby primary. She would have been soooo much happier there. But we werent to know. With hindsight would have moved her.

I’ve got a similar issue with my ds who is y6. He hasn’t really found his natural friendship group at primary though he goes along reasonably happily

it’s amazing how his very shy brother, y8, has met his crowd at secondary

i appreciate he’s a bit older but we’ve kept ds where he is. He does do quite a bit of extra curricular which keeps him busy.

But that isn’t friendship. As you’ve said, that’s just the novelty of being new. That wears off very quickly.

The period between being ten and fourteen can be tricky even for girls with really good social skills and strong friendships (not suggesting for a moment the OPs DD doesn’t have these skills, just that it’s a hard time.)

The problem is once you’ve moved her that’s it, no going back.

She could find the girl she’s friends with isn’t as friendly in a different setting, or that there are group dynamics that are difficult to break into, or of course it could all go amazingly but realistically she’s unlikely to settle in without a ripple.

No. Moving is disruptive and there's not really a need for it. You might end up ruining that one friendship too as no doubt the girl has established friendships at school and might struggle to manage the dynamics of introducing a new friend. I'd wait the year or unless she is positively unhappy. I moved my DD at around this time because I had to and it was not easy and threw her if for a long time (but in her case was essential).

You will find that many children in primary tend towards being friends with lots of children rather than the “close knit best friends” situations , which isn’t a bad thing as these intense friendships in primary can create a whole host of problems, especially once they move to secondary and begin to develop other friendships.

It’s also a terrible life lesson , you cannot rely on other people to solve your problems. What happens in the event of a fall out, or the girl moves herself ?

This isn’t a case of your daughter being bullied or in a bad school environment so I think it would be disruptive and unsettling to do this for no good reason.

I moved one of my DC because we were relocating slightly but hadn't realised how unhappy they were at school until I did. Their confidence and social maturity has tripled. I've also seen it with other children in Year 5&6 so it does work.

It does depend on the type of school though, if it's the type where all the mums/parents are friends and regularly meet up outside of school it's harder for a new child to break the mould.
If it's a more mixed up social grouping where children are friends off their own merit then it's more likely a new child can gel into their own friends.
Friends outside of school don't always mean they will be friends inside school either, its kind of unfair on the friend already at the school to make this assumption they will take your child under their wing when they themselves may struggle in school or not have many friends, or there may already be a tricky friendship dynamic at their school.
Pick the school that is right for your child for their values, how they support all children, their overall activities, trips, the work on the walls, the way they celebrate achievements, not just based on one particular child in it. There is a good chance they will be split in secondary anyway.
Sorry my comment is probably not that helpful as I've given for and against, but it's not a universal answer unfortunately.

I’d say don’t ….

too much pressure and expectation on the new friend in the other school to carry to be your DD’s gateway into new school / friendship group

it may be that the new friend has an established friendship group at her school and you can’t predict how your dd will get into / maintain being in that group -

I moved my son early year 6, for different reasons. He lasted 3 weeks, in which time there were numerous meetings because he had come into a small class of established friends and gone off like a bomb (he’s a big character with adhd). I ended up pulling him out and home schooling for a few months then moving him into another school for the last few months before secondary - this was worse, he was constantly in fist fights whilst failing to make any friends.
he’s in year 7 now and he’s found his people.

I think if I’d have kept him in his original school he’d have been happier, but they weren’t giving him what he needed. Things always work out in the end and ultimately we need to find the right balance between making things better for them and encouraging them to be resilient.

if she’s not being mistreated or not getting the right care, I’d leave it as it is

Personally, I think you need to ask your daughter what she wants. If its something she wants go for it. My kiddos didnt really have much choice due to military deployment. Though moving around gave them friend making skills and definitelymade them more outgoing. My youngest who didnt as my husband had retired is a lot more shy and struggles a bit more socially.

If she makes friends easy then it maybe good for her, but it should be her decision.

Just to add I've worked in primary education for 9 years.

I would persevere for her last year, imagine you move her to the other school and the one friend she has already had a close friendship with another girl and your DD would be in the same situation just in another school. Honestly, in my experience with my own DD13, friendships change so quickly once they get to high school.