Is it time to stop now?

[Decemberweeds]

I think I know the answer to this but need to hear it from other people.

BIL and SIL don’t buy our kids birthday presents or cards. Never have. They don’t even send them a birthday text. No explanation has ever been offered though the excuse that they’re ‘skint’ (both in FT employment and BIL definitely earns a decent salary) and have two young kids (4 and 8) has been regularly offered up in the past to excuse them from absolutely any other sort of responsibility such as helping out with unwell PILs or doing anything for anyone else. So I suspect they think that gets them out of birthdays too.

Our two DCs a little older and we probably earn a bit more though not a huge amount. We always but their kids birthday presents, spend £30-40 per child. I like choosing the gifts and have felt until now it’s the right thing to do and nephews shouldn’t miss out because their parents can’t be arsed buying for our kids.

But another two birthdays have just passed - nephew, who received a nice gift from us that I’d heard him say he wanted and DDs, not even a happy birthday message from her uncle and aunt.

I feel it’s time to stop. Nephews have big family on SIL side and get plenty of gifts from them and their parents. I feel I’m somehow saying it’s okay for BIL and SIl to treat our kids this way by buying their kids gifts. I doubt nephews will notice if our gifts stop, they live far away so only see them twice a year. DH says he feels bad and shouldn’t punish nephews for their parents crap behaviour. Wwyd?

What happens at Christmas, are presents reciprocal there for the kids?
Are you buying BIL and SIL presents, do you get any back?

I think this might be about more than just presents for them. It sounds like they're trying to keep you and PILs at a distance emotionally. When people show you who they really are you should listen. I made the mistake of pushing to keep the relationship going with a sibling who didn't want it. It really does just prolong the awkwardness and she had already mentally checked out of all her family responsibilities so it was pointless.

How much do you see them?

I would stop the gifts but still send a card.

They have never asked for gifts
you have just given them stuff
the clue is that they have never ever reciprocated
so just leave them be

Yes, just stop

You don’t seem to like them in any shape or form

Yes I would stop. I had similair with my BIL and SIL, we gave presents to all 5 children then when we had our 1 child, they gave presents for the first two years, then stopped as their children were now 18+ and we stopped buying for them. They said we stopped so they did, forgetting he was only 2 at the time.

I'd text them a short explanation of why you are stopping presents and say you would love to carry on but it isn't fair on your own kids. Not helpful now, but I wouldn't have started it anyway when the nephews arrived.

You know the answer!!!

Definitely stop the gifts but personally I would send them a card. Option to put a £5 in the card.

I would stop. But we are those people that dont buy and never send cards etc. Quite frankly got enough shit to worry about, I'm pretty certain that they wont expect gifts.

Thanks everyone. No, adults don’t exchange gifts. They get our kids a small gift at Xmas only as we actually see each other on Xmas day but tbh it’s pretty grudging, they make it clear they’d prefer not to and make a fuss that they don’t know what to buy them. Usually ends up being a £10 Amazon voucher.

They dont like you
You dont like them
They have never even hinted that they wish to exchange presents

You can't like someone in a 'shape' or 'form' but setting that aside please do share what is actually to like about them?

Nothing to like
Nothing to dislike

on the basis of the op…. They don’t want to change presents. They don’t like the op. The op doesn’t like them.

the end

Id just stop completely.

It’s funny as when we are together I actually do like BIL! He’s nice to the kids and seems to enjoy their company.

I would keep buying

But noticeably not saying you like your SIL.

Just stop. They won’t miss it. You won’t be resentful. All good