For reporting man at gym

[Senso]

Back story is that I noticed a young woman, probably in her mid 20s being harassed by an older man in his 60s. When I say harassed, I mean that she obviously was uncomfortable with him trying to make conversation with her whilst she was working out.

I have noticed the same man hitting on other young women at the gym and one of them referred to him as a “sex pest”.

Was I unreasonable to have reported him to a staff member?

And this is the person who walks past a building on fire and thinks, "Do I have the burning people's permission to phone the fire brigade"?

I mean that you have no power to determine what happens as a result of your reporting him. Maybe a member of staff will talk to him, maybe not etc.

Surely the reason for asking whether it was reasonable to report his behaviour is to do with a sense of moral responsibility for the outcome. I’m saying you’re just passing on facts. You have no power to determine the outcome, which is likely to be based on all sorts of stuff you don’t know about, as well as the little you do. So you should let go of that sense of responsibility for ‘whatever happens to him next’.

On the other hand, you do have a moral responsibility to report something concerning that you’ve seen either your own eyes.

you seem to have jumped to a few conclusions as I don’t have any expectations about outcome. I asked if I was BU to report it, ie because the women involved haven’t reported him. I did so because what I observed did not look right to me. But crack on with your pompous righteousness. FWIW, we are actually in agreement that I am merely passing on facts!

No. I probably would have checked on the women and told them I was going to report him to ensure I had not misinterpreted anything. But I don’t think you did anything wrong.

I always laugh at men like this. I remember being late teens / early 20s with men my grandfather’s age would try to hit on me and I would think “WHHHHHHY?!?!”

It’s possible to be both

This is a good point actually. Like when some men whine that it’s frowned on when they simply want to “pay a woman a compliment” in the workplace but never want to make similar comments to male colleagues.

Righty ho. It really wasn’t clear why you’d posted. That clarification is helpful.

Reasons why men get away with harassing women in public spaces #763.

And she’s also explained that the ‘sex pest’ comment came from someone else.

Exactly. He is either deliberately ignoring social cues that they don’t want to talk to him or genuinely isn’t aware that he’s making a nuisance of himself. Either way, he’s invading the space of a young woman who hasn’t yet found the confidence to speak clearly that it is unwanted attention.

Thanks @ScreamingInfidelities

I’m not sure why some posters are jumping on my post and nitpicking it, or creating red herrings 🤷

Can’t he be both?

Speaking as someone who has ASC and ADHD and a mum of ND adults and teenagers - you can be both. Being ND is not an excuse of being a sex pest or harassing women in a gym. It’s a disability not a right to do what you like regardless of how that makes other people feel.

YANBU - they never initiate conversations with other men do they?!

And it’s funny how I - as a 51 year old woman - don’t feel the need to strike up conversation with young men 🙄

No! My daughter (22) reported an older man who said some absolutely disgusting things to her in the sauna a couple of months ago. Gym manager said that they knew who he was and he had already had a warning so they would speak to him. DH then went in and said that was unacceptable, if he had a warning already surely that was enough, they did then ban him. Young women should not have to tolerate this!

Well done & thank you for standing up for other women Op - I know I would have appreciated someone doing that for me in my younger days.

I remembered being that age and questioning myself when things like that happened to me. Like, was I inviting attention without realising? Was I too friendly and giving the wrong impression? Meanwhile the further in doubt I became, the men would take advantage and keep pushing. It’s an insidious side of a normalisation of predatory men

There were times when I was a young woman where I would have really, really welcomed an older woman (or frankly anyone at all) stepping in to support me in some way. I would not have regarded it as somehow depriving me of agency. What an odd comment.

Me neither @AmberSpy & would still appreciate it now in my mid-40s!

@AmberSpy

Exactly. That poster is essentially saying that if a woman is being harassed, it’s the onus on them to stand up for themselves. And if they don’t have the tools to then too bad. They are responsible for allowing the abuse of power. It’s exactly this kind of attitude that supports the patriarchy.