Am I a grinch?

[ForGoldShark]

Background - My family has never been huge on gift giving, we'd rather have a Christmas day out or something. Gifts are limited to my parents & my nieces/nephews. DHs family is the opposite - so, so many gifts... parents, siblings +partners, nieces/nephews, cousins, cousins kids, aunts, uncles. To me it is very overwhelming but every family is different, I get that. My kids get drowned in gifts from them all (not just Christmas but easter, Halloween & bdays too. Fine. Whatever).

Which brings us to last night when DH says to me 'oh it's been decided (in a group chat I'm not in) that all the adult kids are all going to get individual gifts for each other for a maximum of £10 each'. So that's us, BILs, SIL + cousins. So 9 people and individuals not couples. I immediately said to him nope, not happening. Message whatever group that is and tell them not to include me. He starts saying that I can't do that because it looks rude and that I'm being a grinch and I should just do it. I don't want to do it. I don't want 7 bits of tat given to me. The cousins in the group we see for maybe 5 hours per year. I barely know them. We both work full time, have 3 young kids, a dog, we run a busy side business and we have a very large tax bill to pay in January. I have no time, money or desire to go out and buy an additional 7 gifts. Am I just being miserable?

I told him to suggest secret santa to that group but no idea of he's done it yet.

Yeah, I would voice that. You might be doing everyone a massive favour by relieving them of the burden of getting a gift. It's a gift in itself. Christmas can get out of control and lead to madness

i hear you, I’m beyond spending money on adults for the sake of it, particularly with a budget that doesn’t buy anything useful! Buy 7 bottles of wine with your weekly shop!

Hell no YANBU! Completely agree with you. Try and stand your ground! That would be my worst nightmare xx

Honestly it's my worst nightmare too

Tell them nicely and lightheartedly that you'd much prefer a Secret Santa gift. Max 20quid. Better to have one gift than 9 bits of tat. But you can't say the last bit 😊 just stand your ground and put your opinion forward. If you are part of the gift giving group (GGG) you do have a say, and keep that in mind.

If they refuse to listen, then opt out and say you are donating 90 quid to the local donkey sanctuary instead.

I'm a grinch, out and out. Gave up all this shite years ago and everyone was delighted when I eventually plucked up the courage to say NO MORE.... It just takes one to break the stupid ice.

Just buy 9 bottles of wine. Done!!

This is exactly why Secret Santa was invented. Suggest it to this bunch of loons!

Funny you mention the donkeys because for my 40th my inlaws were bugging us about what gifts I wanted for my birthday, I told them and told dh to tell them that I didn't want gifts but would appreciate a donation to a Ukrainian dog shelter that I've been supporting (the lady has been rescuing pets that have to be left behind in the war :( very sad). Needless to say it was ignored and I got a LOT of gifts plus some money, which obviously I'm very grateful for, but also if someone tells you specifically what they want then why would you not listen? Anyway I sent the money to the shelter and told them when they asked what I'd bought. They were not impressed

YANBU in the least. Zero chance I'd be participating in that nonsense. My family don't do any adult presents at all. On DH's side PIL and SIL do and I always get DH to come up with something that can be a joint present so I don't have to receive anything as an individual.

People who don't respect your wishes about presents because they don't fit their narrow definition of what is appropriate are so rude.

The message is always "your birthday should be about you and whatever you want" unless what you want is either no presents or a charity present when suddenly you are accused of being rude because you don't want to get more stuff for the sack of it.

Dont embarrass yourself and your DH by opting out and refusing to take part. As someone said, 10 bottles of nice wine or 10 Amazon vouchers. Job done.

I'm with you...

It's when people say ...
"Oh, I'll have the money and get something myself"
So I say ...
"Good idea, same for me. Shall we each put a tenner in a card or just call it quits..."

Closest I can get... (<---this is a grinch)

I voted YABU not because I think your views on gifts are unreasonable but because it's clearly your DP's family's love language, and by opting out it probably looks to them like you don't consider yourself really part of the family, almost othering yourself. When you marry into a family you have to accept this crap sometimes. You probably wouldn't be best pleased if your DH refused to go on your family's Christmas days out because it's not how his family do things.

I agree you should just buy bottles of wine or small plants or other consumables that won't have a massive environmental impact.

Why should she buy for her DH's family and not him? I thought the Christmas crap was now shared?
@ForGoldShark if he wants to take part, tell him to crack on. For the sake of our DD's we need to stop engaging with this stuff. Life has changed and the pointless gift giving doesn't fit in with it.

I absolutely agree this is his family and his gifts to buy, however thar is not op's chief gripe. She does nor want to be involved in receiving, or for the money to be spent.

I do not buy for dh's family. Nor do I send cards, even though they all do. If he wants that he can sort it, so I am with you.

Though if they can afford it, I think I would accept gifts if I were op. For the sake of good family relationships. They can be donated away if need be.

If someone considers me "not a member of the family" because I won't spend time and money on crappy tat that no one needs, that is entirely their problem. They don't get to assert their "love language" (GAG!) at my expense.