Quite a long backstory here but trying to be transparent to get fair advice…pregnancy around a year into the relationship. Both in our thirties. Both had said we wanted kids. DP was pretty awful during pregnancy, didn’t see me for weeks at a time, we broke up. He missed the birth. Started to see DS and they have a brilliant relationship now. We got back together but still living apart. Talked about more children, both very clear we wanted more. When DS turned 3 I said I wanted to start trying in next few months, by now we were 38 (me) and he 42. We agreed. He then postponed it on the basis we weren’t living together (though he was spending a lot of time here with me and DS). I said let’s move in then. We’ve been trying to move in for several months now and he makes excuses at every point.
So, I said I don’t want to delay ttc, let’s get on with that while sorting where we live, whether it’s here or in his home. Weeks pass and he doesn’t take any steps to sort anything. He said he wanted us to move into his (it’s a big bigger, nearby so fine with me and I would rent mine out). He then says he needs to clear a space for Ds’s room, hasn’t got round to it so we can’t ttc yet. I said well we can live here then, he says that’s not idea as not much room for a second child (there is actually). All this time I’ve been chatting about names for a second child, sorting finances, he’s been discussing whether to keep DS’s pram or get a new one! And so on.
Anyway, I feel like an utter fool. Something changed in me and I said he clearly hasn’t changed or grown up and I can’t trust him not to string me along. He protested a little bit and then turned on me, apparently I was the problem, I never listen to him, we hadn’t agreed to ttc properly because we had discussed it on a walk so apparently that didn’t count (?!).
I know I am basically risking never having another child or relationship now. I’m 39 in 10 months time so my time is likely already up. I feel really sad. I adore DS and I am trying so hard to remember how grateful I am for him and that he has a good relationship with his dad even though we are not together. I know it could be far worse. I just don’t feel I can stay with someone who can be so cruel, I don’t think he intends to be but he clearly isn’t mature enough to have a relationship and family life and I should have accepted that when he left me several months into pregnancy. I really did love him at one stage but it’s only in recent months I’ve developed some sort of boundaries in my life, I’ve never been good with them!
Not sure why I’m posting. For support maybe. For someone to tell me I have done the right thing. To hear it will be ok. I feel so heartbroken I haven’t had the typical family life, I have a good career but I love looking after DS and would have been overjoyed to have done it again and given him a sibling. Ex DP will
say im an amazing mum, thanks for looking after him so well etc but as soon as I asked him for proper commitment he just turns into this gaslighting child. I am so tired. And just sad (although accepting) that this is how life has ended up.