To say enough is enough

[BeWittyTurtle]

Three weeks ago my fiancé ended our relationship. It felt sudden but it had been coming for a while- we were both drinking heavily and sometimes we’d get into unnecessary arguments and in the heat of it I’d end the relationship- I’d regret it later.

i am well aware it’s not right- while I do have PTSD and I know enough to know it’s a trauma response, I don’t accept I get to be shitty to other people and I’ve since started working on it.

long story short, my partner had really had enough of my mental health- I was also experiencing panic attacks and what I now can clearly see was depression. Still, hard for the person living with you while you’re going through it.

it took for him to break up with me for me to realise my part in it. I’ve taken a long hard look at myself and overnight stopped drinking, I’ve put together a healthy eating, exercise and housework plan. I am paying down debt and doing absolutely everything I can (including reading and listening to self help in any spare time) to show him I will do all it takes to not only make amends but to have the relationship we both loved when it wasn’t blighted. For the past week and a half he’s been half in, half out. Acting like we’re a couple when it’s the two of us but won’t act as though we’re together outside of the house. Our mutual friends have said to me he’s mad, even with me going through stuff he won’t find anyone who loves him so deeply and is so keen to work hard.

We’re in our late forties and quite frankly, I don’t want to be in limbo indefinitely. I want to keep making positive changes and I want to know where I stand. All he says is he sees my mental health crisis as similar to an affair, I need to rebuild trust, he doesn’t know how long it will take, he doesn’t want big relationship talks, I can sleep in our room when the kids aren’t here, I can sleep in with my daughter when they are.

last night he said he was willing to try again, but when today he went to a family event that he didn’t want to take me to, I said I’m a little worried he may come back from his family and completely end things. His response was ‘I’m not a mind reader, I can’t predict the future, I don’t expect that will happen.’

Am I wrong to feel like I’m being punished? I am anxious every day and I feel like as much as I want to fight for us, I must soon decide to walk away if he keeps me in limbo.

im asking the opinions of strangers because you may disagree with me

Not meaning to be unkind, but while youve managed to sort out your issues and try and be a better person, he isn’t there yet. I’m guessing he has lost trust in you and that takes time to get back. You putting pressure on him to get back to normal just puts more pressure on him. This is a waiting game you may not win. Carry on being your best self and your life will get better with or without him

Let him go and focus on yourself.

Being in a relationship when you’re trying to sort out your own life just puts more pressure on the situation. It is much easier to work on yourself when you are single, you can focus on yourself. That is what I would recommend. I would be fighting for myself, to improve my mental health, to concentrate on what is needed for me to feel better and be on the right track. Which is better done alone given the circumstances you outline.

This.

So you live together? Is he your children’s father?

It’s early days and this half in half out setup is helping no one. At the very least you need to have separate bedrooms.

You need to focus on your recovery and not put pressure on him at this stage.

Heavens OP give him some time and space!

Concentrate on getting yourself together and stop pressuring him or you'll definitely lose him forever.

Given how much patience he has had with you, I think you need to expect to have that much patience back.

You might bot want to be in limbo but he certainly wasn't on level footing with you when you were drinking and dumping him.

So you need to accept that even if you don't like it. He may even be punishing you.

And don't believe mutual friends, they were probably telling him what he wanted to hear too.

Just to be very clear, he was ALSO drinking heavily- drink for drink- and would go on to encourage me to drink when I said I didn’t like the affect it was having and I wanted to stop

Given your update, I’d say this relationship is not good for you. And vice versa.

You really ought to focus on your recovery and sorting out your life.

Never mind your children….. How have they/are they coping with this dysfunctional family life?

I'd say you need to separate while you're working on yourself. If in say 6 months you're in a better place, you can look at rekindling but take it sloooow

Blimey, that’s incredibly judgy. I’d say they also found their mum having aggressive cancer (the cause of my PTSD) difficult. But don’t jump to assume their life as a whole is dysfunctional. Drinking for example occurred when they weren’t home.

@BeWittyTurtle you need to stay sober and whilst you are going through this journey you need to detach from your partner and work on yourself without your partner. As long as you stay in your current situation with your partner it definitely won't work.

Who’s caring for the kids whilst you’re both drinking heavily? How old are the children?

He may think, rightly or wrongly, that this is just something you’re doing to reel him back in, but things will then revert to what they were once you’re back. This is how some toxic relationships are. Things improve once back together for a short time, then start to fall apart again, then another split, and then the cycle starts again. As others have said, it’s best to work on yourself while on your own, then given time, if he sees you’re maintaining that lifestyle change, he may want to get back together again. That’s assuming you do, as once you’ve worked on yourself you might realise that there were aspects of the relationship that contributed to your behaviour.

We are both divorced with children from our prior relationships. The other parent is looking after the children

He wasn't dumping you though was he?

And you didn't stop, did you?

Stop blaming him and be accountable.

One day, life is going to give you a curveball and I hope when that time comes, you cringe hard about the time you judged someone in crisis for having a human response. BTW, I have sorted myself out and continue to do so. Maybe if you almost die a couple of times you’d be more compassionate and less self righteous.

Thank you for your sensible response. I completely understand the concern around toxic cycles and that’s why I am intent on making these changes for myself. These aren’t changes he’s requested but ones I know I need to make. For example, I haven’t touched alcohol in three weeks and am very openly saying to friends and family some people can drink and they are ok, I can’t.

It’s frustrating that others who have commented are ranting on about being accountable etc to someone who is taking complete accountability, not just passively participating in PTSD therapy but doing all the extras alongside. For the past three weeks I’ve been listening to self-help books on my way to and from work, during my lunch break when I’m not popping to the gym and fitting in exercise, dieting and good routines across the board.

This is how I want to live, with or without him. I’m glad I have seen my mistakes because some people sadly don’t.

I won’t judge anyone who needs help and it makes me sad for the judgemental types on here who make assumptions and think they can take a high ground against someone who is struggling and very recently was in crisis.

It sounds like he is not right for your and may hold you back from making the changes you have started to make in your life. It must feel very sad but you need to put yourself first.

But you could have said no, by continuing to drink you made that choice

It sounds like the relationship has been very unhealthy if you argue so badly that you end things. It's great that you are making positive changes for yourself but it sounds like there's been a lot of damage to the relationship already done. Is couples therapy an option for you to work through the issues together?

Honestly @BeWittyTurtle you sound very thoughtful and introspective but this relationship sounds like it is damaging both of you. The dynamics are so off. You need to focus on getting well physically and emotionally as you’ve been through a lot. He will not be in a position to help you with that where his head is at, drinking and trying to gain control of the relationship. It is simply a damaging relationship that is bringing out bad parts in both of you. You deserve better.

I would also add that your attempts to reform your life have only been in action for a few weeks. The focus of your improvement shouldn’t be to get a man back: it should be for you in the first instance and your children thereafter.

I don’t think it’s judgemental to say that this relationship sounds toxic, and you’ve been enabling each other’s behaviour. Step away and focus on your health and wellbeing for a while. This man’s not for you.

You’re both bad for each other. Best make a clean break for both your sakes.