For not grieving?

[Dinglehead]

I currently have a dreadful sense of guilt because for the first time in a very long time, I'm looking forward to Christmas.

I have no parents and my last grandparent died last month. We had a difficult relationship. I'm sad they're gone. Part of me is still coming to the terms with the fact they've gone.

My family, have been awful. Fights about everything that goes with someone passing. I've had a fractious relationship with my siblings for quite a long time and I dreaded every Christmas and family gathering.

I now feel a sense of utter relief. Our Christmas tree is going up next week, earlier than usual, we went to the cinema this morning to watch a Christmas film. I'm looking forward to Christmas being about my immediate family and my dear friends who are the closest thing to a family that I have.

I drove into our closest city this morning and it was chaos yet I feel absolutely at calm. I don't have to worry about treading on people's toes. I was always and continue to be the black sheep of the family. I've had a particularly horrendous time with other issues in my life but right now, I'm looking forward to a calm, happy Christmas and I can't help but feel guilt over it. AIBU?

Absolutely not being unreasonable! Relationships are complicated and contradictory. I’m very happy for you that you have the calm you need and please, please do not feel guilty about this. I wish you a very happy Christmas.

I think what you’re feeling is natural when the relationship was complex. Don’t feel bad.

Please don't feel guilty - you are not unreasonable to look forward to a peaceful Christmas with your loved ones and friends. You deserve this! Have a wonderful Christmas 💐

Honestly you have nothing to feel guilty about. You are finally able to have a relaxed drama free Xmas. Enjoy it.

I completely understand the relief and the peace.

Free to finally enjoy it all in your own way with no pressure, no dramas.

Happy Christmas OP.

You have nothing to feel guilty about OP. No more pressure, no more drama, just enjoy it in your own way. Happy Christmas, I hope it’s a good one.

Who are the 6% saying you’re unreasonable? Madness!

You’re not being unreasonable at all, you deserve a peaceful life where balancing other people’s nasty behaviour and getting treated like shit is a distant memory. From a fellow black sheep in a family of toxic narcs - peace ✌️

Oh OP, I buried my dad last week. I loved him dearly, visited him 4 or 5 times a week, held his hand as he died.
But yes, I'm really looking forward to a Christmas when I don't have to add him into the equation, don't have to tie myself in knots worrying about him.
I get pangs of guilt, but it will be a poignant, but happy Christmas this year.

Why should you feel guilty? They were the ones who made things difficult for you, you don't think they're spending any time feeling guilty about how they've treated you?!

Forget them as much as possible and focus on enjoying your Christmas with your lovely friends and family. They are the people who count, not your rubbish relatives with all their crap baggage.

Thank you everyone for the kind wishes and remarks. It really has meant a lot. I'm not used to this level of peace and I'm just quietly enjoying it. Thank you once again and my love goes out to all of you that also have difficult relationships.