AIBU, it's the middle of the day

[Mrjce]

So my son's dad, we're separated, insists on son being dropped off or collected right in the middle of the day. Usually between 11 and 12. I've said many times this doesn't work. He either needs to be going in the morning around 9.30 or in the afternoon early evening around 5ish. This would allow me to go out with my younger child either with my eldest or without. Heres the part where I add that I would love to spend every weekend with my eldest so this isn't a question of me perceiving him as an inconvenience. It's just meaning we can't do anything with our Saturdays and I end up feeling guilty because my eldest must be bored waiting for dad. We're all early risers and up from around 7.30.

I should add dad is usually late so unless we drop off it can be closer to 1.
He attributes needing longer mornings because he works one week of nights in every three. I've even suggested that on his nights week I'm happy for a midday handover. Im beginning training to be a nurse soon and I'm extremely doubtful he'll ever make allowances because of my shifts.

I have no experience of this. But on days where you want to do something, could you pick him up from dads rather than he be dropped off? You shouldn’t have to of course, but might make it easier

My dad used to have us 12 o’clock Saturday to 12 o’clock Sunday and it almost renders both days useless by the time you do something or get anywhere

How old is your eldest?

I think on the weekends you know he isn’t working night shifts and and want to make plans I’d just message to say “I’m taking DS2 to [wherever] at 10:00 so you’ll need to collect DS1 from the house before then or else meet us at [wherever] later to pick him up.” He can’t expect you to just wait around indefinitely for when he decides to show up and at least that way DS1 gets to do something with his mornings as well.

I agree with PP, tell him he can pick up by 10/10:30 or you will be going out and will let him know when you are back home.

It is a pain I completely understand as my ex only has our kids from around 12 on a Saturday until a similar time on the Sunday, and it means I can't do much with my weekend when they're with him. In our case the kids have activities on a Saturday morning so it means I have to drive them around to those whilst their Dad gets a lie in and then I pick them up from Sunday morning sports matches.

Could you tell him he needs to pick up early on a Saturday except for the weeks he has been on nights? How old is your son, is he old enough to be at home on his own for a few hours whilst waiting for Dad to collect him so that you can still do something with your youngest?

Would it be worth considering Friday evening - Saturday evening the weeks that your ex is not on nights? That way you would have a clear Saturday with your other DC and Sunday with both.

Sorry to say, but that might be music to his ears. Your poor son and his thoughtless Dad.

You're allowing him to dictate your weekends. You can't force him to pick up at 9 am, and actually moving pick up time to 4pm for example also places restrictions on your day, making sure you are home in time etc. Also, he doesn't care it upsets DS and probably likes the fact that you are dancing to his tune by waiting in all morning for him. So don't do it. Agree via text message that pick up is 11:30. Then go out somewhere in the morning (park, cafe for breakfast / snack etc) so you still get to do something fun with both DCs. Do day trips on weekends he doesn't have DS so that he doesn't get to think he can limit your plans. If it gets past pick up time and he's not there, just go out if you need to and say he can pick up from X or wait outside your house til you get back (don't hurry, and you won't be texting to let him know what time you're back).

Thanks for everyone's responses. To add my son is 12 and is occasionally left on his own for a maximum of 45mins - 1 hour. However, I had this arrangement with his dad as a one of a few weeks ago and he was an hour late and I have to leave my plans early. We've also lost a little trust with son as he's not been very aware of his surroundings due to screen time.

Would like to add that I have always said midday is fine on the week's he works night but every time I have said he needs to be dropped earlier on Saturday dad has had an excuse. As I say I'm more than happy for eldest to stay with me all day Saturday but understandably he wants to see his dad. I would never ever want to feel like I'm getting in the way of this.

It really does just feel like I'm accommodating dad all the time irrespective of how it effects the rest of my family.

The main issue is that son understandably would rather see his dad than go out with mum and brother. So what we occasionally do is say to dad we want to do... So will drop him with you at such and such a time. However there's also times when I get invited to places and so get a babysitter for the youngest but am kind of left in limbo with the eldest.

I did think about this but he also works late shifts as well so I think it would make it difficult.

That sounds even .ore frustrating than my situation.

I think he just wants a lie in every Saturday really as I always get a frosty reception to this request even when I offer to drop him early. Never mind asking him to dras his butt out of bed 🤣