My father’s financial problems make me so angry

[SallyRabbit]

He was a rubbish father, he economically abused my mother and he didn’t contribute once he left home. I owe him nothing.

But now he’s elderly, his partner is dead and he is vulnerable- and he comes to me when he’s in difficulties. They are usually very real disasters where he needs money urgently.
He also gushes over me the rest of the time and how much he loves me - it makes me feel uncomfortable if I am honest.

I just resent him so much and feel so ashamed for him. But if I don’t stay connected to him then he has no one and nothing of any value in his life. But I feel he manipulates me. What do I do?

And please be kind, internet strangers. I feel quite vulnerable about this.

Sorry you're going through this

Some people have the ability to rewrite their memories so that everything was great when it certainly wasn't.

You poor thing. You should not be the one who consistently rescues him. He doesn’t deserve you.

Could you sit him down and tell him you can’t help him again, give him a list of charities he can go to for help with financial management.
Just refuse to give him any more money.

It's not easy I know, but you need to stop letting him manipulate you.

Are you in a position where you can help? If so what are you prepared to do? Maybe get that sorted in your own mind. He was a poor father and no one would blame you for leaving him to it but see if you can work out what you are comfortable with and draw some boundaries. Let's face it a lot of us are prepared to help strangers and we have no idea what sort of person they are really. Do what feels right for you.
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If he's elderly and never paid for your upbringing since leaving your mum, he's crap with money.
I would sympathize (not much tbh) and keep the purse strings firmly tied.

My father was the same. Not as OTT as yours emotionally but he made constant bad choices as an adult and in my view let me and my brother down for years. My mother divorced him over it.

ultimately due to my own circumstances i have been able to support him but only to the extent i am comfortable with. You are perfectly entitled to feel as you do

Sometimes life is complicated, economic abuse now was just how things were in the past (men giving housekeeping but no access to the bank accounts was typical) and men didn’t contribute after marriages split often - neither are right but it’s how things were for many women alas. He’s now old and struggling so I’m guessing you are referring back to the 70’s ish when it really was quite different.

it’s possible to be pleasant and helpful when really needed but not forgetting your childhood, try talking to him. I’m not excusing his behaviour at all but he genuinely may not realise that he has done anything wrong, your post could have been written by multiple women I know from the ex wife’s perspective, men walking away was rife, even encouraged

@gogomomo2 I can see your point but he was genuinely economic abusive, even for the 80s and 90s. He ran up significant debts in her name, he failed to renew her professional membership and left her in danger of being unable to work, he stole from her. I don’t think he would recognise it as abuse or even admit to himself he did it, but it wasn’t just ‘many men behaved badly in the past’, it was more.

You do what you feel comfortable with. What you can live with. He is reaping what he has sown. If he has nothing meaningful, it's because he didn't nurture relationships in his youth. You don't owe him money, tome or love.

My mum didn't grow up with either of her parents. Actually, my nan denied her. She visits my nan in the nursing home once a month. She does that for herself and her own peace. She owes my nan nothing.

Do you feel he gushes over you because he needs you and does this to keep you in his life and feeling a responsibility to help?

You say he comes to you when he needs money urgently, but is this a genuine need or continuation of poor money management?

What is his income? State pension, private pension? Is he entitled to benefits due to low income or disability?

What's his housing situation? Does he own his home or rent?

Many pensioners have sufficient income to cover their needs and it sounds like he's never been a caring father to you, so I don't see how you should feel obliged to give him money or look after him just because he's your father. But if you feel he can't look after himself, and he's not already safely housed, could you encourage him to move into sheltered housing, so you know someone is keeping an eye on him?

Whatever you choose to do, do it for yourself and not for him, because you're right - you owe him nothing.

Take some time - talk to friends, your partner, a therapist, write your thoughts down, do whatever helps - to think about what you want from your relationship with him and how much financial and emotional resources you're willing to put into him. As they say nowadays, establish boundaries.

Helping him to some extent might be important for your sense of peace. You can help him, not out of guilt or obligation, but for your own sense of worth, or morality, or because it feels good to be altruistic.

But you might want to cut short contact at the point he starts gushing and rewriting history. You should not feel manipulated by him. That's not acceptable, but since you recognise that he does it, you can respond to it by withdrawing. Have a few stock phrases in your back pocket "that's not how I remember it being dad. I'll be off now, I have a busy day, bye"

Whatever you do, put yourself and your family first

I suppose no one has a simple, single motivation. I think I am probably a bright spot in his life, which is now quite empty. But also, I have quite a prestigious career that he can boast about to his friends and he wants me to feel responsible for him.

I can see all that but I also know that he tries to manipulate me - possibly without even understanding what he is doing, it’s just how he treats women.

It sounds tough. It also sounds as though your father is manipulative. It can be hard to see it for what it is when you're so close to it.
You need to ask yourself what you actually want. I mean, I would help my DM out if she needed it but that's because I would want to and can afford it. Also she is not manipulative and would do the same for me without hesitation. She also doesn't make poor financial decisions on a regular basis which is something of a red flag for me when people are constantly coming back for more.
It's ok to say no especially to someone who puts emotional pressure on you to get financial help. And more so, if they make constantly bad decisions and have been helped out before.

Lots of sympathy from me OP. I don't think anyone is going to give you a hard time about this.
I'd imagine you have been influenced by him from an early age not to make a fuss and you have seen and known things that infuriate you but you've not said anything. This social conditioning is abusive in itself.
Have you heard of FOG? fear, obligation, guilt. I'd guess that's where you are.
The stately homes threads have lots of posters with challenging relationships with parents. You might find it worth a look.
You do have choices here - you can choose how much contact you have and if you help him financially.
He does care about you in his own way but it sounds quite transactional.
I'm very low contact with my Dad and that seems to work. I think he'd like more, but I don't. I'm happier with not much contact.

OP, why do you allow him in your life? have you had support via therapy? I think the latter is very important.

you are deeply hurt, I can hear that. You don’t have to keep putting yourself in this position. 💐

It all boils down to the fact you CAN be incharge of this situation if you want to. Sit him down, tell him you can longer help him by giving him money,

Thanks everyone, this has been a really genuinely useful thread and I am grateful for your supportive comments. It’s hard to draw a line - but I deserve one. Thanks again, I hope you’re having lovely weekends x