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Original poster

What on earth do I do? NC problems with family

27 replies

NCproblems · 06/12/2025 10:03

I’ve been NC with my family for years. I live quite far from them (1.5 hour drive). Where I live is quite secluded and not much round here (only a couple of small shops small
cafe etc) not really anywhere you’d choose to go if you lived somewhere with more and there’s nothing of any great interest / attraction here.

I don’t know why but the family members I’m NC with keep visiting. I had to walk out of the cafe in shock the other day when I saw them , prior to that dp had told me he was sure he had seen them in the local shop a couple weeks before . This is typical ‘destabilising’ behaviour they’ve used in the past to make me feel anxious.

I know it’s a free country but why would they be doing this. I feel like moving as can’t cope with it .

OP posts:
HereIfYouNeedMe · 06/12/2025 10:10

I have family I’m NC with that live in the same town. If I pass them on the street or see them in shops/on an evening out, I act as though they’re invisible. Literally.
it’s very unnerving that they’re turning up where you live and I’m sorry that you’re feeling like you want to flee. It would depend on the circumstances for NC to be able to advise how best to deal with it…

Original poster
NCproblems · 06/12/2025 10:13

HereIfYouNeedMe · 06/12/2025 10:10

I have family I’m NC with that live in the same town. If I pass them on the street or see them in shops/on an evening out, I act as though they’re invisible. Literally.
it’s very unnerving that they’re turning up where you live and I’m sorry that you’re feeling like you want to flee. It would depend on the circumstances for NC to be able to advise how best to deal with it…

Edited

I have already moved away once and thought it was far enough and I can’t understand why they have turned up here twice that I know of (possibly more times that I haven’t known about too?) it’s totally unnerved me

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 06/12/2025 10:20

The only thing to do is ignore and not provide any emotional response. People like that feed off emotions. They will hopefully get bored. Of course the other option is to move.

NebulousSadTimes · 06/12/2025 10:21

I know it’s a free country but why would they be doing this.

You've answered your own question @NCproblems "This is typical ‘destabilising’ behaviour they’ve used in the past to make me feel anxious".

Have you had any emotional support about the reasons you are no contact with them? That might be worth thinking about, there might be 'tools' that will help you with your feelings when you see them or hear of their presence.

They may seem scary and bullying by doing what they're doing but their deliberate attempt to affect you shows a weakness in them. Strong people wouldn't feel the need to behave like that. Remember their weakness when you feel unnerved, let that weakness make you walk taller Flowers

You can't change what they do but you can try and change how you react, or not, to their behaviour.

Flowers
Peanutssuck · 06/12/2025 10:33

I think the question to be asked in this situation is do they know you live in your specific area? If they wouldn't have had a clue where you are, then I would put it down to coincidence OP. If they know that that is where you've moved to, then yes, they are probably trying to destabilise you.

Original poster
NCproblems · 06/12/2025 10:51

Peanutssuck · 06/12/2025 10:33

I think the question to be asked in this situation is do they know you live in your specific area? If they wouldn't have had a clue where you are, then I would put it down to coincidence OP. If they know that that is where you've moved to, then yes, they are probably trying to destabilise you.

Yes they are aware I live here. I didn’t tell them when I moved but I didn’t tell mutual friends not to tell them either which in hindsight was stupid of me but I didn’t consider they would ever come here as it’s really out of their way and nothing really here to draw them to the area (except clearly destabilising me). I lost those couple of mutual friends due to it I just stopped speaking to them/ removed social media as I didn’t want info/photos of my dc to reach them so was easier to just ghost them and stop using SM rather than any confrontation as it wasn’t even their fault as they didn’t realise the toxic dynamics at play in my family.

Its just really hit me this morning I fancied popping out for fresh air and it made me stop and reconsider so I sat in the garden with a coffee instead but I felt like a child again? Anxious, destabilised and almost as if a safe place is now violated ?

OP posts:
TwotierChriatmas · 06/12/2025 10:56

So many questions ,who are these people , why did you ban them ( don't have to answer obviously)
Do they accept why you did ,are they desperate to be in you life ? Are they arrogant ? Vindictive e do they think by seeing them you may change your mind ?

Peanutssuck · 06/12/2025 11:03

NCproblems · 06/12/2025 10:51

Yes they are aware I live here. I didn’t tell them when I moved but I didn’t tell mutual friends not to tell them either which in hindsight was stupid of me but I didn’t consider they would ever come here as it’s really out of their way and nothing really here to draw them to the area (except clearly destabilising me). I lost those couple of mutual friends due to it I just stopped speaking to them/ removed social media as I didn’t want info/photos of my dc to reach them so was easier to just ghost them and stop using SM rather than any confrontation as it wasn’t even their fault as they didn’t realise the toxic dynamics at play in my family.

Its just really hit me this morning I fancied popping out for fresh air and it made me stop and reconsider so I sat in the garden with a coffee instead but I felt like a child again? Anxious, destabilised and almost as if a safe place is now violated ?

Show quote history

I'm sorry OP, that's awful. @NebulousSadTimes hit the nail on the head - it shows a weakness in them that they're doing this. Says more about them than you iyswim. No real advice to give you, other than ignore ignore ignore. Walk past them with your head held high

Original poster
NCproblems · 06/12/2025 11:09

TwotierChriatmas · 06/12/2025 10:56

So many questions ,who are these people , why did you ban them ( don't have to answer obviously)
Do they accept why you did ,are they desperate to be in you life ? Are they arrogant ? Vindictive e do they think by seeing them you may change your mind ?

They don’t want to be in my life I think they want to disrupt my life? There was always sabotaging prior to being NC because I spoke out about and sought legal advice on severe childhood abuse and reported them due to fraud in my name. They are angry at me I assume and they don’t want me to be in peace or to feel safe. It is my mother, my sisters and my aunt

OP posts:
Original poster
NCproblems · 06/12/2025 11:14

I occasionally go to church especially at this time of year I’m now even feeling as if I can’t do that as can’t rule out the possibility of them being there ? It’s making me a bit paranoid I just hate the destabilisation. Maybe it’s time to move and make sure they have no idea where to

OP posts:
ChristmasinBrighton · 06/12/2025 11:20

I’m NC with abusive mother.

Tbh you do know why they are doing this. It’s a continuation of the abuse. It’s quite pathetic really that they would go so far out of their way to continue abusing you.

You can’t control their behaviour, only your reaction to it. Please don’t let them take up room in your head. They don’t deserve to be there.

I survived living thirty doors away from NC mother. You can do this! 💐

Lotsofsnacks · 06/12/2025 11:20

To be honest op, and you shouldn’t have to do this but I would move, even further away. And not tell a soul. Do not trust friends with this info. Do it for inner peace. If it was a parent alone doing this, they obviously wouldn’t be around for ever, and you’d have that to cling on to. But with sisters too, they might continue with the same after your mum is gone

Greenwitchart · 06/12/2025 11:22

OP as you said that this is related to historical abuse and reporting them for illegal activities I would speak to your local police and discuss a restraining order. They are trying to intimidate you and you need to show that you mean business...

Lemonysnickety · 06/12/2025 11:23

Like another poster I live in the same town as my NC family. It used to hit me very hard early on but I trained myself not to let them affect me emotionally at all when I see them. I do not give them headspace. It does take time but you can do it.

I definitely don’t leave a place because they are there because my life is my own and they have chosen to be too poorly behaved to be part of that. I leave that with them emotionally. I’ve sat at events two tables away from my mother and not given her a moments headspace once I processed the fact that she is there.

It is almost like a meditative practice that I consciously set into action.

I didn’t chose this situation, their behaviour which they are in control of chose the situation.

Motnight · 06/12/2025 11:24

Sounds like an awful situation, Op. And as others have said it's a continuation of the abuse you have obviously suffered. My concern about moving away again would be that this won't work either. What does your DP think?

Original poster
NCproblems · 06/12/2025 11:26

Motnight · 06/12/2025 11:24

Sounds like an awful situation, Op. And as others have said it's a continuation of the abuse you have obviously suffered. My concern about moving away again would be that this won't work either. What does your DP think?

He feels similar to me in that we now have to think about moving. Things were that bad previously we would rather act in a proactive way now than reactive later. He said if it was anyone else he would say it was coincidental but he knows what has happened in the past and thinks things will deteriorate again.

OP posts:
Vaxtable · 06/12/2025 12:03

Do you like living whee you are? If so by moving you are giving into them. They have won again

By staying they have not, you continue your life, if they come to the shop or cafe you are in you blank them, you do not get up and leave, pretend they are not there

hopefully after a while when they realise they can’t get to you they will stop coming

Badulbara · 06/12/2025 13:38

Could you consider a restraining order so that they can’t go within a certain distance of you? The bar to getting a RO is pretty low and if it’s significant enough that you feel the need to move house, it is clearly harassment.

Hankunamatata · 06/12/2025 13:54

If its that bad Id consider northern ireland or far reaches of Scotland or Wales.

HereIfYouNeedMe · 06/12/2025 14:25

NCproblems · 06/12/2025 11:26

He feels similar to me in that we now have to think about moving. Things were that bad previously we would rather act in a proactive way now than reactive later. He said if it was anyone else he would say it was coincidental but he knows what has happened in the past and thinks things will deteriorate again.

Edited
Show quote history

This is so unfair OP, I’m so sorry. If moving will bring you peace then do it but there are legal routes you can take. What if they turn up to your next location? No matter how careful you are there’s always a way to find out information, especially if it’s your mother. I think it would be better to manage the situation to stop anything like this in the future.

HereIfYouNeedMe · 06/12/2025 14:26

And that’s no way to live, the paranoia alone will affect your mental health

Whatsthatsheila · 06/12/2025 14:43

NCproblems · 06/12/2025 11:14

I occasionally go to church especially at this time of year I’m now even feeling as if I can’t do that as can’t rule out the possibility of them being there ? It’s making me a bit paranoid I just hate the destabilisation. Maybe it’s time to move and make sure they have no idea where to

Edited

This may seem oversimplified but - why give them what they want?

hold your head up ignore them pretend they are invisible,

these people are meaningless to you and when they see their actions have no effect they will just go away and be insignificant in their own place

if they continue and there’s been previous legal input previously then as others have said report them for harassment and seek restraining orders

Lurkingandlearning · 06/12/2025 15:08

What utter twats they are including the meddlesome fuck wits who gave them your address.

Short of moving, I think the only way to tackle this is to front it out. If you see them lookstraight through them how @HereIfYouNeedMe does with her family. As you say, they are doing this to destabilise you, if they see no reaction whatsoever that 1.5 hour trip will become a pointless drag.

I hope they stop this and leave you in peace very soon

Terrribletwos · 06/12/2025 15:22

As you say @NCproblems this is causing you major destabilising problems because of your past issues with them. I would seriously look into moving as I really don't think trying to ignore or style it out would work, the damage is too deep. If it won't cause too much hassle to move...I would just move for your own peace of mind.

Bigcat25 · 06/12/2025 17:07

I'm not in the UK but if you are buying your next home you should find a way to have the company registered in a corp/trust whatever so they can't easily look you up again. If it is easy for them to look you up (dunno how this works in the uk) I wouldn't bother buying a house in a new spot.