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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How do i get my spark back?

14 replies

BeKookyBird · 06/12/2025 09:22

42 year old married mum (16 years) of 2 teenage boys and for the last year I've just lost something in me but not sure what. I can't be bothered to go out i never want to put on make up anymore I have wardrobes full of nice clothes and bags but wear the same old crap everyday.
I really dont feel depressed so I dont think thats the problem.

OP posts:
WinchSparkle80 · 06/12/2025 09:25

Feel the same 😞 you’re not alone but no answers

MidnightPatrol · 06/12/2025 09:28

Do you have any time to focus on yourself.

I feel a bit like this (particularly around appearance / clothes!) and I put it down to just not having the time in my life to think about it among the ten thousand other things I need to do daily.

The women I know best able to achieve this seem a bit more dictatorial with their partners around ‘I am going to the gym 3x a week and so the kids dinner is your problem’ etc.

Jugendstiel · 06/12/2025 09:44

That sounds very like onset of perimenopause. I felt like that for years and had never heard of perimenopause (it's only recently been discussed.)

FWIW the thing that really helped me was to do something I had never done before every single day for a year and keep a brief record of it. I was inspired by a book called I Dare Me. and while I didn't copy most of what she did (she was a news anchor with access to lots of money and opportunities) I loved the idea. I had become really timid and set in my ways - not sure if that also applies to you.

I started small - buying different scents of bath gel, trying a new cafe, ordering a drink I had never had, walking a new route to or from work or school pickup. Then I branched out to trying different kinds of exercise. No need to commit to a term of anything - just one trial class, but things I liked, I stuck with. Then I made a bucket list of things I'd always wanted to do, some of which were really tiny and easily achievable. Others were more challenging. But I started to so them. I put myself under no pressure whatsoever to enjoy them - just try them. But after about two months, I really had my spark back, and after six months I was having the best time I'd had in years.

Other more obvious things that helped were upping self care. You don't need to want to do something - if you know it will be better for you, just do it. So lay out really nice clothes and put them on next day. Maybe use the 'new thing' technique to put together clothes in an outfit you'd not normally wear.

Use 'Atomic habits' techniques (great book by James Clear) - take 30 seconds to put on mascara or lipstick and a little perfume after you have cleaned your teeth in the morning - whatever makes the most difference to you. Then once that is second nature, add another small step towards the ideal version of self care you'd like to have.

Take extra vitamins - Vitamins D, herbal iron supplements, B complex, magnesium all seem to help a lot.

Another thing that helped me (forget where I learned this) is to have a tiny thing to look forward to each day (eg favourite TV programme, deep bath, coffee with an old friend, good yoga class); a small thing to look forward to each week - maybe a night out at the cinema or local live music or comedy club with partner or friends, a medium thing to look forward to each month - maybe a trip to the theatre or a weekend break, or a workshop for a skill you want to develop, a big thing to look forward/achieve to each season - could be a holiday, remodelling a room in your house, a gig or festival set by your favourite ever musicians, and something important that you feel you have achieved each year - could be getting a degree or running a marathon or moving house or getting to a goal weight or going on a trip of a lifetime.

They just help break up the monotony of daily life.

tinydynamine · 06/12/2025 09:47

I have a ticket to go and see one of my favourite bands this evening. I'm considering not going, so I get how you're feeling.

Fluffyred · 06/12/2025 09:58

I hear you, OP. I am at the same stage and I agree with PP about being more 'dictorial' with your boys.

I am aiming to pay off debt before mid 2026 - number one focus! This will reignite the spark, I am certain.

After that, I am saving for a dream holiday because life is short. Not a packaged one. Possibly over Dec/Jan holiday next year, for 2 weeks. Accomodation will be mostly free as I have contacts we can stay with for most of the time. The spark will turn to flame.

In terms of maintaining the spark, I am working on that simitaneously in other areas of my life! I feel making new friends, starting a new hobby or revisiting an old one, more time in nature, and reading more will help. It is hard to sustain all that while working full time, being a parent and running a household though!

Jugendstiel · 06/12/2025 13:03

tinydynamine · 06/12/2025 09:47

I have a ticket to go and see one of my favourite bands this evening. I'm considering not going, so I get how you're feeling.

I honestly think it helps to push through the meh feeling. I really hope you go anyway. Even if you don't enjoy it as much as you hope to, it is better than just giving up. And it might be brilliant and bring some of your energy back.

JetFlight · 06/12/2025 13:07

Did something happen last year?
might be worth getting a blood test done to check for any deficiencies.
spend less time on your phone and start doing more real life stuff.

SoManyDandelions · 07/12/2025 20:00

tinydynamine · 06/12/2025 09:47

I have a ticket to go and see one of my favourite bands this evening. I'm considering not going, so I get how you're feeling.

Did you go to the gig, @tinydynamine?

I am terrible for booking tickets to shows/gigs/events and then spending the day before/of the event dreading it and not wanting to go. I always do go and always have a brilliant time! Not sure why I always feel such trepidation beforehand!

Arlanymor · 07/12/2025 20:04

Jugendstiel · 06/12/2025 09:44

That sounds very like onset of perimenopause. I felt like that for years and had never heard of perimenopause (it's only recently been discussed.)

FWIW the thing that really helped me was to do something I had never done before every single day for a year and keep a brief record of it. I was inspired by a book called I Dare Me. and while I didn't copy most of what she did (she was a news anchor with access to lots of money and opportunities) I loved the idea. I had become really timid and set in my ways - not sure if that also applies to you.

I started small - buying different scents of bath gel, trying a new cafe, ordering a drink I had never had, walking a new route to or from work or school pickup. Then I branched out to trying different kinds of exercise. No need to commit to a term of anything - just one trial class, but things I liked, I stuck with. Then I made a bucket list of things I'd always wanted to do, some of which were really tiny and easily achievable. Others were more challenging. But I started to so them. I put myself under no pressure whatsoever to enjoy them - just try them. But after about two months, I really had my spark back, and after six months I was having the best time I'd had in years.

Other more obvious things that helped were upping self care. You don't need to want to do something - if you know it will be better for you, just do it. So lay out really nice clothes and put them on next day. Maybe use the 'new thing' technique to put together clothes in an outfit you'd not normally wear.

Use 'Atomic habits' techniques (great book by James Clear) - take 30 seconds to put on mascara or lipstick and a little perfume after you have cleaned your teeth in the morning - whatever makes the most difference to you. Then once that is second nature, add another small step towards the ideal version of self care you'd like to have.

Take extra vitamins - Vitamins D, herbal iron supplements, B complex, magnesium all seem to help a lot.

Another thing that helped me (forget where I learned this) is to have a tiny thing to look forward to each day (eg favourite TV programme, deep bath, coffee with an old friend, good yoga class); a small thing to look forward to each week - maybe a night out at the cinema or local live music or comedy club with partner or friends, a medium thing to look forward to each month - maybe a trip to the theatre or a weekend break, or a workshop for a skill you want to develop, a big thing to look forward/achieve to each season - could be a holiday, remodelling a room in your house, a gig or festival set by your favourite ever musicians, and something important that you feel you have achieved each year - could be getting a degree or running a marathon or moving house or getting to a goal weight or going on a trip of a lifetime.

They just help break up the monotony of daily life.

Brilliant response, I feel the same and definitely sounds like peri to me. I am on HRT (since February) but although some things are improving it seems on other days that nothing touches the sides of these symptoms. Joyless is what it is. But I’ve decided that 2026 is going to be the year of the vamp - everything will be revamped, including myself. I am going to work on a plan over Christmas - I am taking two weeks off to get my plans sorted - first fortnight off since 2018. But I need it, I need space and time to look in detail at why I am sad, how to tackle some of these symptoms outside of HRT, and just shake up my life a bit.

Checknotmymate · 07/12/2025 20:07

I'm 42 feel the same. I'm pinning my hopes on taking a bit more iron. But at some point will need to see a GP about peri. I'm just anticipating getting an eye roll (virtually of course because my GP hasn't allowed a face to face appointment since COVID) though so I'm putting it off.

ResusciAnnie · 07/12/2025 20:11

Jugendstiel · 06/12/2025 13:03

I honestly think it helps to push through the meh feeling. I really hope you go anyway. Even if you don't enjoy it as much as you hope to, it is better than just giving up. And it might be brilliant and bring some of your energy back.

Totally agree with this - don’t give in, inertia breeds inertia. Been there done that!

Likewise getting out and doing stuff and meeting people snowballs and becomes less daunting and life grows and gets more fun and less boring.

HeddaGarbled · 07/12/2025 20:17

My own view is that it’s time to progress your career and become the woman you are meant to be now that you have more freedom from family obligations.

Buying stuff and grooming are no substitute for the spark you’ll get from proving to yourself and others what you are capable of.

gillefc82 · 07/12/2025 20:30

43 and can completely relate! I’ve been on HRT since June, alongside taking magnesium glycinate, methylfolate, a peri support supplement called Valerie.

I haven’t yet seen a big improvement so have just changed from the oestrogen gel to the spray. But seeing a positive outcome probably wasn’t helped by the male GP, who prescribed the HRT initially, incorrectly advising me to take the progesterone tablet continuously instead of 2 weeks on/2 weeks off. Continuous progesterone should only be taken once you’re definitively in menopause. I think the hormone overload has caused my skin to be an absolute nightmare, with breakouts all along my jawline, including painful cystic type spots. When you’re feeling like crap, the last thing you want is to look like it too!! 🙄

Anyway, I’m hoping I’ll start to see some benefits shortly and I’d advise you to go and speak to your doctor, get some bloods done and explore your options. You don’t have to suffer in silence. 💙

Icanflyhigh · 07/12/2025 22:19

You're not alone. I just don't feel like me anymore.

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