AIBU?

[frizoeing]

Hello, I am hoping to get a sense of whether I'm being unreasonable or not.

My hubby and I have a toddler and my hubby's family (about 10 pax total) recently suggested we take a weekend trip together. We haven't travelled with them since we've had a kid, though we did before.

I told my hubby we ought to go but that we should reside separately (an adjacent venue, like the Airbnb next door but not the same house). The reason for this is so that we can have a little bit of privacy, and manage our kid (our kid wakes up at 5am daily and sleeps round 730pm, and takes a 2hr nap in the afternoon) without affecting them, our kid also gets very overstimulated and with cousins there, I think our kid will be hard to settle in the presence of everyone.

My hubby agreed but also reminded that these boundaries were mine and that he's okay staying with his family altogether. Anyway, he informed the family that we would stay next door and they aren't too pleased.

I get the feeling that they think it's not nice. I also have, since our kid was born, placed some boundaries because I felt they were really encroaching on our privacy and our decision to be active parents (not relying on our village). My hubby is kind of torn between wanting to support the boundaries I've set (I've explained that its really to preserve the r'ship, bc without them I was losing my mind), and wanting to not disappoint his family/spend time with them. We see them every weekend at present and are on good terms for the most part.

Am I being unreasonable?

On the face of it no, I have full sympathy because my eldest was an early riser and difficult to get to bed with other people around, so I definitely would have felt similar about a big family trip. But from their point of view maybe they're worried they won't see much of you or your husband? Maybe you need to clarify how you're planning to manage e.g. bedtime with your child in one house and everyone else in the other - presumably one of you will have to stay with your child, so you or your husband won't be able to participate in evening activities with the rest of the adults? That might be your preference in order to get some alone time for yourself, but it might come across as a bit stand-offish. Would it make sense to split the airbnbs so there's one other family with a young child in with you?

You see your in-laws every weekend so they don't really have any grounds for complaint as contact with your child is frequent and regular. Your DH sounds torn between you and his parents. Does he want them to be more actively involved grandparents and for them to be able to look after your child without you present?

What were they doing that made you pull back?

For one weekend I'd stay with family and see how it goes.

I understand completely. You're doing what seems best for your son and allows you to go away with them without your child being over tired and over stimulated. Makes sense to me.

You see them everyone weekend so you’re hardly distancing yourselves from them.
It’s horrible having an early waker and stressing about them waking up other people in the house!

YANBU but honestly on this occasion I’d do it. Don’t keep him quiet when he wakes up! They’ll soon learn. When he gets overstimulated, don’t hesitate to go out for a walk or play in your room quietly. Also, it might be fine! If it isn’t, they’ll probably accept it next time. I’d be clear with husband though that this is against your preference but you’re willing to do it if you can have a sensible discussion after about how it actually went.

I found that holidays were often a moment when my children made a stride forward - learned new things - found new routines and interests.

The family know your son wakes early and still want to share a holiday with you all.

My children loved being with a gang of cousins - and the cousins loved playing with a little one. I would go with the flow - there will be lots of people to keep him happy.

I don't necessarily think you are being unreasonable as you are allowed your own feelings about this; but I do think you are being a bit precious and should go with the flow a bit - as indeed your OH seems happy to do. He is after all 50% of the parenting team and his views matter. If your son is your only child he will benefit from the general family chaos.

If you are going to be next door, I don’t understand what their problem is. And as your DH hasn’t explained it, I’m guessing it’s too stupid to repeat. The only downside to being next door is that they will have to go through two doors to see you rather than one. I would have thought not being woken up by your child so early would far outweigh that inconvenience.

I think you're doing the right thing. I would also need that bit of privacy. If they're not happy with your arrangement then that's on them.

"our decision to be active parents (not relying on our village)."

What does this mean OP?

If it was for a week I could understand but it’s just a weekend.
Having said that, as they’re a bit miffed about it, I’d make it perfectly clear that your child will probably wake them up really early and you won’t be bending over backwards to keep them quiet.

When my we go away with my family, evenings are the time we really congregate and talk, while the kids go to bed, play games or watch television depending on their age

So from my family's POV, if I stayed next door with a toddler, I'd be excluding my family from the the more sociable part of it iykwim

Do you really want to see them every weekend? That seems an awful lot to me but I obviously have a different relationship with my in-laws than you do.

I think your suggestion is sensible. However as everyone else is making a fuss, for 1 weekend I'd stay with them and I'd make sure I allowed everyone in the house to enjoy the 5am wake up. Perhaps your DC would enjoy going in to see their grandparents in bed when they wake up.

I know someone like this. She’s totally secluded herself from the family and then wonders why they don’t roll out the red carpet for her.

If it was for a week I could understand wanting separate accommodation but it’s a weekend. You said there are other children there so it’s not as if you’d be up early and no one else would be and they’d be mad?

I find your comments saying that your child’s cousins would over stimulate them and that you put boundaries in with the family because you wanted to be active parents and you didn’t want to rely on your them (your village) very telling. It sounds like you’re uptight and exclude yourself and as a knock on effect your child and husband.

It be curious to know more about the boundaries you put in place and why you feel it’s not ok to rely on or take support from family?

If you're next door and your toddler goes to bed at 7.30 will you.be staying in by yourself of an evening while everyone else socializes next door?. That seems a bit miserable. I would try to relax a Little, yes routine is important to an extent but.so is spending time with extended family. Let the kids all run around together while the adults have drinks and hang out. They'll fall asleep when they're tired and you can go back to regular order when you get home.