Struggling with stepson

[NotJolly]

I'm going to leave details out and try and make this as short as I can as I'm exhausted and don't want this to be too long.

I've been with bf for 3 years, we have a 6 week old together and he has a 5yo. He was never with his mum. When he was born, bf was involved but then his mum took stepson back to her home country in Europe. BF is on the BC and tried to go and visit as much as possible. They moved here again in July and bf started seeing him more often.

Then a few weeks ago she said she couldn't cope with him and went back to her home country and left him here. He's got ASD, is non verbal and still in nappies. The mum has 2 younger children now and a new partner.

He doesn't yet have a place at a school because we don't think mainstream will benefit him. Also don't know if he should be in reception or year 1.

Bf has done majority of the caring but he's got the flu and is in bed, and I'm exhausted with stepson today. He's had meltdown after meltdown, he hasn't eaten as everything I've given him even his safe foods. He doesn't let unfamiliar adults change him (which is good) but because I don't change him usually he kicked off, was kicking and biting and crying. bf genuinely couldn't come and help due to dizziness and stepson runs away from him too because he thinks he's a game.

Then he wouldn't settle for bed, he wanted to go outside but it was freezing so I obviously said no but he was sat on the floor for ages by the door crying and trying to hit his head on the dining table.

He doesn't communicate in anyway (no sign language or anything) so it's hard, on top of that I've been caring for the baby and he's been waking the baby with his meltdowns. I know he's a child and I know it's not easy for him either

I just don't know how I'm going to do this again tomorrow

.

I don’t have the best advice but I didn’t want to read and run. My son is a year younger than your SS, he is severely delayed, up until recently non verbal and still in nappies. It’s really not easy, and especially when he’s not yours and you have a newborn…. You are doing incredible! For me it took two years to get to a place where my son’s disabilities became less disruptive. It came down to routine and sticking to it. Does he have an EHCP? I would recommend going to your gp if you haven’t already and telling them everything. If a child has delay in more than one area they can be assessed. Diagnosis I found was a path to support. As I said earlier my son was non verbal until recently, he was diagnosed a gestalt learner, learning through song and in chunks, literally his first words were singing the entire alphabet. His diagnosis helped me discover how to unlock language in him. Images, repetition of words never worked he needed sounds.

you are truely doing an incredible job, that poor child, abandoned by his mum, still feeling those emotions but having limited ways to express them. New country, new people, development delay. I know it’s so hard, but don’t give up on him with the right diagnosis and support and time he will settle into a routine x

You need to get him into some kind of school/day care environment that can help him and get him a proper assessment. Poor boy has had a rough start with parents (and younger siblings) in and out of his life. I know it's not your fault but keeping him at home when you have a 6 week old baby is a lot.

Start EHCP and diagnosis process.

Are there any grandparents who can help with support?

Grandparents live a few hours away and don't have a close relationship with him (or bf for that matter) so they won't be able to help unfortunately. I think he does have an official diagnosis I just don't know where to go from here especially when I'm also caring for the baby as well.

He needs to be in an adapted environment for school. You will need to get all paperwork together from what has been done- diagnosis etc and then contact Sendco asap.

Poor you! Do you have a support network who could help with you and the baby at least? Is your partner usually at work? How long will you have as maternity leave?

This kid needs specialist help and a SEN school and you don’t have an easy road ahead. If you need to leave, even temporarily, for the sake of yourself and the baby, that’s understandable.

With all due respect, it’s your DH who needs to sort all of this out. It’s not your responsibility, especially as you have a newborn.
I understand he is poorly, but as soon as he is able, he needs to get up out of bed and be the one doing the work.

If there’s a different language spoken in your home from what he’s used to hearing, that will also be very unsettling.

But poor wee thing. What a disruptive start to his early years.

Can DH afford a SEN Nanny to help long term? The mother needs to pay maintenance.
Poor child but also sympathy for you as a new mum, baby & DH who’s been dumped on . What would he or child have done if he was single .

Partner doesn't work currently but is due to start a new job in Jan, we don't have much support around so it's been a hard few weeks. He usually cries or screams (he screams when he's happy too) and that's the only way he can communicate so even when partner is with him he wakes the baby.

We can't afford a nanny unfortunately, I know he needs to be in school but we don't think mainstream would benefit him and its likely to be traumatic for him. He doesn't have an EHCP, he only moved back in July and I don't think his mum did much for his schooling as she planned to move back to her home country a few months later (which she did).

You may be entitled to certain benefits.

Have you looked at local schools, especially any that might have special provision?

Speak to your health visitor for advice. Sounds like SALT and occupational therapy could be helpful?

Whilst your partner is off work, he needs to engage with the local authority and social services, start the EHCP process and find out about what support you can get, such as respite, charities, etc.

Your DS needs to receive urgent help with his communication, he may not be able to speak but he does need to learn how to communicate. A specialist school will help, but it’s not easy!

I have a son with special needs, I am lucky in that my DH and I have been a team supporting each other throughout all the challenges. I know DSS is not your son but if you love your partner be prepared to help him through this, I wouldn’t have coped on my own.

Break this down into different elements.

1. Education - Request an EHCNA. On their website, IPSEA has a model later you can use. Alongside this, you/DH can request alternative provision. Since you mention Y1 and reception, I assume DSS turned 5 last academic year, so the LA has a statutory duty to ensure he still receives a suitable full-time education (but you need to not be electively home educating for the, to provide provision otherwise they will say you are making suitable alternative arrangements thereby relieving them of this duty).
2. Social care - DH/you can request social care assessments. A carer’s assessment for you &/or DH and an assessment of DSS’s needs by the disabled children’s team. On their website, Contact has model letters you/DH can use. Also look at your local short breaks offer.
3. See if Home Start can support your family.
4. Is DSS under a paediatrician, the continence service, and SALT and OT? If not, look at referrals. The GP will be able to refer to paeds. In some areas, you can self refer to the continence service, SALT and OT. If you/DH can’t in your area, the GP will be able to.
5. Do you have sensory toys/equipment for DSS at home?
6. DLA - normally, at DSS’s age, he would need to have been living in GP for 26 of the last 52 weeks. However, there are some exceptions to the past presence test and even if the exceptions don’t apply, that 6 months will be approaching. DH would be best seeking advice about this from someone who he can speak to directly because the rules can be complex depending on the individual circumstances. Someone like Citizens Advice will be able to help.

Is the baby safe when your partner’s son has meltdowns? I don’t think I could cope at all.

Your partner needs to get specialist help asap.

You need to start the EHCP process
Has he been to nursery in the past?
My son is nearly 16 nowandchas bern in a special school since reception ,he was asseewd in nursery and tge educational psychologist said a special school would br more appropriate.
The LA should be able to help you and you csn look on the " Local offer" ro see what kind of activities groups there are for disabled children in your area.
Also have you applied for DLA?

Well you would have too

Do you have a disability social worker since im guessing his mum essentially moved back to dump him with his dad and then move back again ot her home country?

I suggest self-referring to Early Help at Children’s Services. They’ll be able to signpost support, Help you access education, and escalate where necessary. Also they’ll help with EHCPNA, which isn’t always simple. Good luck.