Feeling left out- I need to get a grip don't I!

[Myboyonlybreakshisfavouritetoys]

It's a Mum friends one sorry! I keep randomly spiralling about being left out of things. It's making me feel pathetic and about 15.

The latest was a large group of local mums did wreath making together. I am friends with a few of them (and aquatainces of more) but don't really know the organisers that well, so I could see why I hadn't been invited. It just sent me massively spiralling when I saw it on social media (I know, I know!). I do have some decent mum friends and some great old friends, although I don't see them enough. I just want to be invited to more things and have more of a local social life but it's all a bit exhausting!

I've really struggled with these feelings since DD was born (she's 7 months and has been a dream baby so far really) and I've had more time to ruminate on stuff on mat leave. Also DS has started school as now I also have all the school mum dynamics to navigate.

I know people will come on and say you don't need Mum friends but I really want a local "village" for myself and my children.

Sorry I guess my AIBU is- is this a valid way to feel or do I need to just get a grip?

If it was organised by someone you don't really know, I wouldn't be too worried about it. If a close friend it would be different.

I can’t say this enough. Get off social media. Or at least don’t follow people you know on it.

There will always be things you aren’t included in. Same for everyone! But pre social media we mostly didn’t find out about them. We were happier as a result.

I say this as someone who spirals about being left out of stuff. So I get how you feel and I don’t think it’s unreasonable. Social media would make my mental state 1000x worse.

Of course you need Mum friends. But instead of ruminating on it, you could decide to be proactive and organise a few things yourself, invite the people you like.

I would just enjoy the relationships with the friends you do have and the activities that you do with them. I think it's more valuable to have a small circle of reliable close friends rather than a wider group of acquaintances. As you say yourself, that's quite exhausting, unless you really are the social butterfly type!

Two things you can do.

Make sure your friends and acquaintances know you are up for doing things. ‘That looked great fun, I’d be up for that if you do it again’ type thing.

But it isn’t anyone else’s job to entertain you, so come up with ideas of fun things to do and ask others along.

Yes I know you are completely right! Not everyone can be invited to everything.

I do try and limit myself to about 15 minutes a day but obviously that is too much.

You need to reframe it OP you weren't excluded, you just weren't included which is a very different thing. Agree with the pp, you need to get off social media - if you are not robust enough to just think 'that's nice' and scroll on then it is not healthy for you..

Gosh I’m glad I’m not on social media. It really is toxic. Concentrate on your own lovely family/friends OP and ignore this.

I do definitely try and do this/ put out feelers for activities etc. Now DD is a bit older and evenings are easier I'm really hoping to do some more regular hobbies etc.

I do get social media is the problem BUT I do get the same feelings if someone is talking to a fun dinner they went to or party so it's not just social media.

I somtimes feel like this - even if it is just one friend I know, meeting up with others who I don't know at all! It's totally irrational and most likely stems from being bullied/excluded in primary school.

You can't really help how you feel, but you can control how you react. Make a note to organise wreath making next year. See if anyone wants to go for coffee after the school nativity. Take positive steps to achieve the outcome you want, rather than dwelling on what you don't currently have.

With kindness you need to get a grip (your words, not mine).

Think of it logically, 15min of social media a day is upsetting you. Stop it.
Not everyone will be invited to every occasion, especially when core groups are established and have a history of doing things together. I am part of a wider mum group and that’s fine for coffee or occasional meals but I find it overwhelming for large days out, activities like wreath making etc and these are thing I have always done with one or two friends.

Floating ideas is fine but have you outright invited people to do a specific thing on a specific date?

Have you hosted a dinner party?

Yes I think all these things stem from childhood/ adolescence- not that I had a particularly difficult time but I was never in the "in crowd". If you met me you'd have no idea I ever have these feelings as I am sociable and come across as confident and easygoing! I am thinking about what these feelings mean and what I can take from them.

I understand, I’m the same, but there’s a lot less of that than there is on social media.

I spiral over this kind of thing massively and I need to keep reminding myself a) of all the good things I do have - health, family, etc and like you I do have some good friends even if I’m not the social butterfly some people are! And b) make more effort myself. Every social contact begets other social contacts. Even if it’s just arriving 5 min early to school pick up and making yourself chat to some unknown school mums, or going along to a local playgroup with your baby, it reaps benefits in the long run.

Yes I have hosted things! Not recently as we have a small baby.

I think you shouldn’t dismiss the feelings. Sit with them and think about what they’re telling you. But it sounds as if it’s a set of childhood/teenage reactions being set off.

If you see something and would have gone just say to the friend that attended .
" I saw you've all gone / gone to xxx ? Next time your doing anything like that , I'd be interested . "
And leave it at that , hopefully that will remember to ask you next time.

I really struggle with this too OP. It's not just social media. I think kids starting school is probably a particular trigger because it smells the same as when we were kids and the rhythm, language, surroundings are so similar it's difficult not to sort of find your mind in that space.

What I have found is that it is definitely about me and my state of mind rather than what's actually happening. Truthfully I was excluded from some stuff when my kids were small and I felt wretched about it but the more I engaged with the idea I should be included with those people the worse it felt until I realised that I had no desire to hang out with people who didn't want to hang out with me anyway! I'd just got stuck in a loop of yearning. I concentrated on doing things that felt fun and nice to do, said yes to all invitations, asked people I liked to do things I wanted to do, made a concerted effort to relax about stuff I wasn't invited to, and I felt much much better. When you find yourself having a pang about things you know perfectly well you wouldn't be invited to it's a warning sign for your own mental state I think.

Another one saying get off SM. I left Facebook for similar reasons a few years ago and feel so much better for it. And you dont have to be besties with school mums to arrange play dates. If my dd/ds asked me if one of their school friends could come and play I'd just approach them in the playground and invite their child over. Ive have some school mums who I considered superficial friends at the time, only because we would chat when picking up and dropping off at play dates. The friendships fuzzled out though once they start secondary school. Just view that you can just have surface friendships with the mums and it doesn't need to be deep at all.

I don’t think it’s about social media per se. OP wants a group of friends to socialise with locally. Not knowing what they are doing doesn’t stop the fact that she’s not getting out.

Perhaps people think you’re stuck at home with a baby that doesn’t sleep.

Suggest some Christmas drinks either at home or in your local pub. See if there’s a local Christmas event and get a group together, like a light up outdoor thing, or farm park Santa. Get involved with fundraising at the school, is there a Christmas fair they need help with? Join an exercise class, that can be pretty social.

Thanks for all the compassionate replies as I know in the grand scheme of things these are not big concerns!

I am doing all these things and will continue doing them (probably a bit late to organise Christmas drinks but maybe next year!) And we are invited to some things so I do think the feelings are quite irrational. They all started when DD, who has been a very chilled baby, was born so I do wonder about hormones!