To be annoyed at my friend for asking my son to buy him party drugs

[Valleymum2]

My son age 23 takes occasional cannabis with his flatmates and admits to very occasional MDMA . He gets it from his flatmate doesn’t buy it directly from the dealer. My husbands friend who is a good friend of the family, bumped into my son in the pub, they got chatting and the conversation turned to what drugs did the friend do when he was his age. Upshot - family friend asks my son to buy him some drugs via the flatmate dealer so that he can have a ‘one off’chance to relive his youth (with his own friends, not my son).son gets in touch with dealer and buys the drugs then delivers them to the friend - just a few tablets apparently. I’m absolutely raging at the friend.1. I know if is unlikely but what if the drugs my son bought for him end up killing the friend - where will it leave my son - how will he feel if the friends children lose their dad and he has supplied the stuff not to mention the trouble he would be in ? 2. It is illegal 3. It just feels so wrong on so many levels that an adult is asking a young person even if an adult to do this and then not to tell anyone. The problem is - my son has told me in confidence, I can’t even tell my husband /his dad as he will go batshit and I can’t imagine that he will manage not to say anything. I want to confront friend (who is normally a really lovely guy) and tell him what I think but if he then tells my son my son will never tell me anything again. Mynumber one priority is my son - both keeping the trust with my son and keeping him safe from harm Wha5 would you do? Am I overreacting/BU?

I think YABU.

1. Your DS is an adult and chose to deal serious drugs
2. Apparently DS is happy causally discussing his illegal activities because hes told you and this older family friend

I think many people have said your anger is misplaced, the friend didnt ask your 15 year old he asked your 23 year old. And I only knew to ask because DS flaunts it. He didnt ask out the blue the context is DSs choices which he advertises.

You might have had to coax the drug use from DS but this friend didnt. Hes open about taking drugs and living with a dealer and agreed to supply. And he isnt a teenager.

While I understand dealing is an escalation id be terrified about it feel youre putting all the blame on this friend and not on your son who is responsible for his own choices and who needs to be held accountable before these choices catch up

Of course it's wrong and at that age 50s an OD whilst using stimulant drugs is a very real risk and the person supplying said gear is up shit creek ..supply and possible manslaughter if someone dies.

As I’ve said to others, my son’s behaviour is something I can deal with separately and isn’t what I am asking for advice on. Presume like most folk on here haven’t had young adults who take drugs - or they haven’t been honest with you - read the stats.

Your son takes drugs. He is an adult who choose to do this. Nothing to do with you

Exactly. But my friend is a different matter

My thoughts exactly @Nearly50omg

If it was the other way round and your friend had sold drugs to your son, would you be more annoyed with your son than the friend?

Didn't think so.

There is no way to deal with the friend and ensure your son keeps being open with you. Friend takes drugs so is automatically unreliable. Your son takes and supplies drugs so is also unreliable.

Tbh, I’d completely ignore the issue with the friend because it is a side problem and you need to focus all your energy on your son being a drug dealer. I know that’s not what you want advice on so I’m sure you think you’ve got it handled.

The thing is though, youve no control over what this friend does.. and if you make an issue of it and it all came out your son as the dealer is in more vulnerable position legally speaking as the dealer. This friend didnt get DS into drugs, DS is there on his own and living with a dealer and agreeing to supply.

And Ive read your responses, DS "doesnt see it that way" and "look at stats" stats of teens taking drugs isnt the same as dealing drugs, and it doesnt matter how he sees it surely at 23 and able to live independently hes clever enough to understand legally it is dealing.

While youre saying DSs drug taking isnt what im asking about. To me, it reads of blame shifting eek what if friend died.. the consequences to DS and friends family would be awful. Yeah... but what if your son suffered medical or legal consequences for the drugs hes taking. I feel like you are looking for soneone else to be angry at and blame. But hes old enough this choice sits squarely with DS. He isnt saying he was blackmailed, forced or unwilling.

Is it reasonable to be annoyed at the friend? Yeah. Is this a disproportionate response when you dont like the comments pointing out the issue isn't this friend.. to quote you lots of people take drugs "read the stats". Either lots of people take drugs in whichcase why would your friend see a problem with getting them from a fellow adult dabbler OR drugs are dangerous, cut with God knows and your anger is misdirected beyond your sphere of influence at a man who isnt your problem

And if hed supplied you son, you wouldnt think your son was more to blame for asking. You'd be calling him a dealer/supplier/pusher

Id say nothing to this friend. But would probably reevaluate if hed stay my friend. Then Id talk to my son about the difference between possessing and supplying, all those risks you mention and the fact that maybe living with a dealer isnt in his best interests.

'Kid' is 23? He is a grown adult male.

Firm conversation with your friend. Say you are disappointed in him, and ask him never to do it again. Also say that this conversation is in confidence, and ask him not to raise it with your son. Forgive him this one time, but be firm that if it happens again the friendship is over.

No because the friend is a fully fledged grown up adult, with kids, my son has been brought up with him as a family friend, I’d be appalled if he sold him drugs or encouraged him to take them or deal them - he is supposed to be a role model as a family friend

I’m absolutely raging at the friend.1. I know if is unlikely but what if the drugs my son bought for him end up killing the friend - where will it leave my son - how will he feel if the friends children lose their dad and he has supplied the stuff not to mention the trouble he would be in ?

OP, this is the very definition of entitled parent mentality. Are you serious? So if your friend dies because of drugs your son procures for him, drugs he takes himself, you would be worried about how your son would feel? Really?

I can’t even

Your son is a fully fledged grown up adult. He’s 23, not 18 and still in school. He is old enough to take drugs, old enough to supply them, old enough to accept the consequences.

OP, if your son was willing to do this knowing it could get to you he’s definitely done it before. He’s graduated to taking drugs to suppling them and you’re a fool if you think anyone else is responsible. Your son is. Legally as well as morally. If the drugs supplied killed your friend your son would be responsible for the death and would deserve prison. You need to open your eyes to who he is, not who you wish he was.

You asked if AIBU?

Yes. YABU. Your blaming another adult for the choices of your adult child.

Friend didnt ask your DS out of the blue.. DS was telling this family friend what a good time he has on drugs when this came up. And.. as you didnt participate in the convo youve no idea if friend asked, or if DS offered to get them. He isnt an innocent little boy in need of his mummy. Hes an adult, already familiar with drugs and their procurement.

DS is an adult living independently. Old enough to make his own choices. You should be angry at DS for offering/agreeing/DEALING.

DS is a fully fledged adult. And the examples hes had haven't stopped him this far, the one time a family friend said ooh if its such a good time can I have some too isnt why DSs in this mess

im not in any way blaming another adult for my sons illegal and potentially disastrous choices. My son is an adult and accountable for his own decisions. AND the adult friend in my opinion has behaved inappropriately for a family friend- I would like to tackle this with him and was looking for advice. I’ve not at any point said anything about blaming the friend. However I am extremely disappointed he has encouraged this. I don’t think that’s unreasonable. My question is about tackling a friend over that aspect. And risking breach of trust.

He's a grown man. Well both of them are.

Yes it's not great that your son has agreed to be this guy's one off drug dealer. Hopefully he'll realise it could get awkward and he won't do it again.

But I wouldn't have a go at the friend. He didn't force your son to score for him. He could have just said he didn't know anyone or hasn't any numbers for it.

I would be annoyed with the friend.
But not as annoyed as I'd be with my son.

Idiots.

You can talk to your friend and he probably won't ask your son to buy drugs again or you could speak to your son about how reckless it is to buy drugs as a favour for a friend. You might even suggest he reconsiders his own drug use if you are so concerned about his safety.

I guess it depends on whether you really want to protect your son from harm or find someone else to blame for the risks he's taking.

Imo..

I understand why youre disappointed. And i dont fault you

However other than choosing to end your association i dont see how you can "tackle" it.

I say this because your son is 23, and tbh if he on reflection, feels this was an unfair ask of him hes old enough to rectify that with this family friend himself. And if he doesnt think it was inappropriate, just you do. End your association with him and leave it there. You dont own him your friendship, but your opinion is likely unwelcome.

If you start being morals monitor with this friend he will likely point out that your son isnt a child and maybe you should mind your own business when your house isnt in order. You keep using words like "encourage".. DS didnt and doesnt need encouragement. The language is apportioning blame at the door of this friend.

If son hadnt been casually boasting about drugs this may never happened, so youd be better addressing the source of the problem not the results.

The time for considering whether this friend, who has drug taking past in his own youth, is a good influence passed. If you find his behaviour unacceptable, quietly end the friendship.

But this friend wont thank you for a scolding and DS wont thank you for as you point out breaching his trust.

If it were me id prioritise my problems and for me address DSs drug involvement, maintaining his trust and open communication would sit miles above giving my 2p worth of opinion to a man who should have known better but apparently doesnt. I say this not being unkind but just think about this.. what do you think you could say to this friend that he doesnt already know and didnt care about? What difference would your words make? Non.

Imo silent distance/removal or letting it go are your only choices. And imo neither matters, it isnt important that your friends a prick only that your son is dealing.

I get what you’re saying. I suppose I’ve not made clear - I’m not wanting to talk to the friend about it just to get it off my chest/ give him a scolding. I want to persuade him not to take the drugs, thus removing the risk of something happening. And also to make sure he doesn’t ask again. I was going to suggest I pay him back whatever he paid for them (which money will come out my sons account) if he flushes them down the toilet in front of me. I believe my son when he says he has never supplied anyone before and he knows he has made a mistake. I’m trying to damage limit the potential impact on everyone around him if this man takes these drugs and comes to harm.

I think you get this off your chest by talking to someone you trust - DP, sister, friend, counsellor. Call him names here to us if you like.

But all your plans for tackling him, to either scould criticise or control the situation will make you look nutty.

1. These are the same drugs your DS is taking so limit his damage. He is taking these drugs. He could come to harm. Dont worry about this other guy. He isnt your problem

1. You cant pay for the drugs with your sons money. Son is an independent adult and you cant decide how he spends it. He is not a little boy and you cant fix this for him.

1. This man doesnt want you judging, scolding or patronising him. He doesnt want you persuading him, it sounds like he has past experience of drugs anyway and may have already used them. No grown man will appreciate you telling him he should flush his drugs as you watch (becuase he isnt trusted to dispose of them if he agreed) he isnt thick he knows the risk he doesnt care.

I appreciate this is frustrating for you, but honestly this friend doesnt care about these concerns. You need to let it go.

I don't think you can speak to the friend without it affecting your relationship with your son- he does not want mummy stepping in here. He just needs to say no in future.
It probably wouldn't do your son many favours if it came out that he's been telling people who the dealer is either (not that I'm convinced this was a first time.)