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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel really hurt by this?

38 replies

Cocteautwin6 · 05/12/2025 19:25

Met up with two longtime friends for drinks recently. We’ve not spent as much time together as I’d like recently but have generally stayed close in spite of the differences in our lives (I have a four year old child and husband, and aging parents living nearby - they are single and childless.)

The night itself was actually really nice up until the end. Conversation drifted onto relationships, money, roles etc. I mentioned that I’m doing more freelance work at the moment on top of my day job to bring more cash in (to pay off debts!), my husband is doing more childcare, and it’s working really well for us. When I looked at friend 1 she had a face like thunder and sighed in annoyance.
In the taxi on the way home I asked friend 2 what that was about, and she said friend 1 is finding buying a house really stressful and said I’ve had a “leg up” because my husband bought a flat with an inheritance as a deposit years ago (10 years ago to be precise - we’ve lived in two houses since and I’ve always paid 50/50.) I burst into tears because it really knocked me — it felt so cold, and I worried that this was the narrative being told behind my back. Friend 2 immediately backtracked and was lovely, and said she’d call me.
No phone call happened. I messaged friend 2 explaining how hurt I was. She replied nicely, said she values me as a friend, but framed it all as “different circumstances” and wanted to talk face to face. That was 3 weeks ago — I’ve heard nothing since. I’ve also since texted friend 1 saying I felt slightly hurt by her reaction after she reached out and have hit silence. Both friends are aware that I’ve had issues with my mental health recently so I’m really surprised by this - other friends I confided in say this is out of order and they might resent me or are in kahoots.

AIBU to take offence to this? The silence says a lot and it almost feels like they’re unwilling to even acknowledge the hurt their actions have caused. It’s hard to get over this as it feels so unresolved, but I probably will never know what’s really been going on.

OP posts:
Qwertyyy · 05/12/2025 19:26

Burst into tears? Really?

amber763 · 05/12/2025 19:31

What's it got to do with them how you bought your house? Thats so weird of them. Honestly fuck em.

mydogisanidiott · 05/12/2025 19:32

Are they worth the anguish? Sorry you don’t feel great and well done for your tenacity and hard work .

Friend is bitter that she is struggling- it’s not your fault. But I can imagine that stings a lot to her.

Ocelotfeet27 · 05/12/2025 19:32

YABU. I get that you couldnt help crying but it is a very dranatic response when you clearly are in a privileged position versus your friend. You should be messaging both friends to say YOU are sorry, that you are struggling with mental health atm which is why you overreacted. You're sorry friend 1 is struggling. You need to stop thinking about yourself.

Bearbookagainandagain · 05/12/2025 19:33

Both of your reactions are a bit extreme.

For her to be jealous over something like this is ridiculous. Plenty of people could only afford their house because of inheritance / help from family, it's just life.
It's even harder when you're single so if that's her choice she has to live with it.

But worrying so much about what "people say" that you'd cry about is weird too. Again, your situation is nothing out of ordinary.

Calendulaaria · 05/12/2025 19:33

The two of them don't sound like good friends to you. Real friends would be happy for you if things are working out for you. Don't waste your precious free time on these two.

gamerchick · 05/12/2025 19:33

They're a smite jealous, to them you probably look like you've have it all. I get that it looks like they've been talking about you though.

You do seem to have over reacted a bit though. It's probably worth just keeping conversation light with these friends and no personal life talk. Sometimes you just go down different paths in life and don't really have a lot in common anymore.

NinaGeiger · 05/12/2025 19:34

It's not weird to be upset or cry if people you thought were long-standing friends say really surprising, hurtful things

NinaGeiger · 05/12/2025 19:35

Ocelotfeet27 · 05/12/2025 19:32

YABU. I get that you couldnt help crying but it is a very dranatic response when you clearly are in a privileged position versus your friend. You should be messaging both friends to say YOU are sorry, that you are struggling with mental health atm which is why you overreacted. You're sorry friend 1 is struggling. You need to stop thinking about yourself.

What on earth do you imagine the OP needs to apologise for?

firstofallimadelight · 05/12/2025 19:36

Your friend is ridiculous even if your dh hadn’t had inheritance it was still 10 years ago it was easier to buy a house then. And what mean take to have that she begrudges you this.
But you had a big reaction, I would have been annoyed and called her out on her pettiness but i wouldn’t have taken it so personally . Why do you think it affected you so much?
And yes you are right they have clearly discussed this behind your back and shown resentment, friend 2 has also shit stirred a bit by betraying friend 1 confidence.
I think you need to consider if they are good friends to you because they don’t sound like it. You could call friend 1 and have it out with her and see where the land lies. But you may have to consider that these women are not real friends

HelloDandy · 05/12/2025 19:36

I think you need to ditch them and get new friends.

ThisLittlePony · 05/12/2025 19:38

I’ve had a “leg up” because my husband bought a flat with an inheritance as a deposit years ago (10 years ago to be precise - we’ve lived in two houses since and I’ve always paid 50/50.) I burst into tears because it really knocked me — it felt so cold, and I worried that this was the narrative being told behind my back.
so is that not true? There was no inheritance, and that’s why you cried? Why are they lying?

ShesTheAlbatross · 05/12/2025 19:43

I agree that bursting into tears was a bit much.

But they sound ridiculous. For starters, you were talking about how you have a second job - it’s not like you were casually talking about how you had so much money you didn’t need to work or something! I don’t understand what they want, you never mention your job because your husband got an inheritance?

Original poster
Cocteautwin6 · 05/12/2025 19:44

Ocelotfeet27 · 05/12/2025 19:32

YABU. I get that you couldnt help crying but it is a very dranatic response when you clearly are in a privileged position versus your friend. You should be messaging both friends to say YOU are sorry, that you are struggling with mental health atm which is why you overreacted. You're sorry friend 1 is struggling. You need to stop thinking about yourself.

Wow, wild!

OP posts:
KilkennyCats · 05/12/2025 19:44

How do they know so much about your finances, op?
You seriously told them how your dh bought his first flat? Talk about over sharing…

FastTurtle · 05/12/2025 19:52

Are they the same age as you?
Friend one sounds a bit jealous of you.
Maybe you come across as slightly smug, I don’t know.
It would have probably been best not have mentioned friend one’s odd look.
Are friend one and two closer to each other than you?
Had you all been drinking, if so maybe that made it all seem worse?
I think if it was me I’d just try not to think about it. Money, inheritances, property seem to annoy people.

DarkSunrise · 05/12/2025 19:56

This is why you don’t share the details of your finances with anyone else.

Salaries, inheritances (which presumably means your DH lost a close family member), debts, savings etc are none of anyone else’s business.

My own parents don’t know that much about my finances let alone my friends!

Mulledjuice · 05/12/2025 19:58

Of course friend 1 is jealous.

Is she happily single and childfree? If not them you're basically living her dream life

Original poster
Cocteautwin6 · 05/12/2025 19:58

FastTurtle · 05/12/2025 19:52

Are they the same age as you?
Friend one sounds a bit jealous of you.
Maybe you come across as slightly smug, I don’t know.
It would have probably been best not have mentioned friend one’s odd look.
Are friend one and two closer to each other than you?
Had you all been drinking, if so maybe that made it all seem worse?
I think if it was me I’d just try not to think about it. Money, inheritances, property seem to annoy people.

They’re both slightly older than me. I’m definitely not smug, the main point I was trying to get across was my husband stopping up as we’ve had a rough time recently.

I mentioned the look as it was hurtful. But yes to drinking, plus my mental health hasn’t been great, hence the tears. I prefer to be upfront in my friendships but I agree that we’re not all the same.

OP posts:
Maybeitllneverhappen · 05/12/2025 19:59

They aren't real friends. I have friends who have very expensive homes plus holiday homes plus fabulous holidays. I am happy for them and they work very hard for them (plus some inheritances , but have lost parents /siblings so not great). I am only jealous of people I don't like!! 🤣 They are jealous of you; rethink the friendship.

ThisLittlePony · 05/12/2025 20:01

But why the tears? If it is true he got an inheritance, I would either not have talked about it, or said something about how would rather have had the person with me!

KilkennyCats · 05/12/2025 20:01

Cocteautwin6 · 05/12/2025 19:58

They’re both slightly older than me. I’m definitely not smug, the main point I was trying to get across was my husband stopping up as we’ve had a rough time recently.

I mentioned the look as it was hurtful. But yes to drinking, plus my mental health hasn’t been great, hence the tears. I prefer to be upfront in my friendships but I agree that we’re not all the same.

Show quote history

But you weren’t upfront, were you?
You asked the second friend why the first friend had given you a look - as though she’d know.
Were you trying to divide and conquer?

FastTurtle · 05/12/2025 20:01

Cocteautwin6 · 05/12/2025 19:58

They’re both slightly older than me. I’m definitely not smug, the main point I was trying to get across was my husband stopping up as we’ve had a rough time recently.

I mentioned the look as it was hurtful. But yes to drinking, plus my mental health hasn’t been great, hence the tears. I prefer to be upfront in my friendships but I agree that we’re not all the same.

Show quote history

Try and move on from it, you had a nice evening up until then. Friend one doesn’t have DC yet, she probably doesn’t understand that having two jobs, a DC and mental health issues is really tough. On the other hand you may not completely get how hard it can be to get on the property ladder.

Original poster
Cocteautwin6 · 05/12/2025 20:03

ThisLittlePony · 05/12/2025 20:01

But why the tears? If it is true he got an inheritance, I would either not have talked about it, or said something about how would rather have had the person with me!

They don’t know about the inheritance - all they know is that he was able to buy a flat in his early thirties. I mentioned it as an aside here. Is that unusual?! I don’t think so.

OP posts:
ElizabethsTailor · 05/12/2025 20:04

They sound horrible TBH. Sounds like you’re genuinely better off without them.