AIBU to tell my friends her kids are not coming

[babypickles]

Background. My close friend has 2 children who are probably aut:adhd but she refuses to acknowledge or address this full stop. Either from the point of view that they need help or in terms of managing their behaviours at home or in public. Since a young age they have been unpleasant to be around and now they are older teens they are worse than ever. Examples, violent outbursts, tantrums when they can’t have their own way, entitlement. I’m sure you get the picture (some of this is possibly not entirely to do with ND issues, she has been unable to manage them. I’ve tried to tolerate them but they not easy to like). Her own brother calls them “The Krays” and she thinks it’s funny for some reason.

Anyway. We (my kids and some other friends) go to a music festival every year. My friend asked if she could join us. Her kids were due to be away with their dad. Anyway they aren’t going away with their dad now so she’s said she will have to bring them.

They have already said they don’t want to go because they don’t like music and think that camping is for “people with no money”.

They will totally ruin it for everyone because for a starter they don’t want to come so they will make sure they cause chaos. They have said they will empty all her food and drinks onto the floor when we go and watch the bands. Trust me when I say they will do that.

It’s a 4 night festival and none of the existing party want them to come.

Am I unreasonable to tell her they can’t join us ? I feel awful on my friend. I have tried previously to integrate them by inviting them on holiday but it was a disaster.

Yanbu at all.

I would tell her ASAP, and be kind, but straightforward about it, but I would also be prepared for her to end the friendship.

There's no easy way to tell someone their kids would ruin it for everyone else, and if she's laughing their behaviour off, then she's probably not going to accept what you're saying.

No, I wouldn't be ruining the event by going with the feral offspring. I mean they've actually already told you some of what they plan to do and she has apparently no control over a pair of violent teenagers. It will be spoilt for everybody else. Yes she will be hurt but she can't foist these children onto the rest of the people going. In fact, I'd be concerned about my own safety and that of my children around these teenagers.

You HAVE to tell her for the sake of all those attending but don’t expect the friendship to survive it.

What’s the alternative to telling her? Dreading the weekend and having a crap time? You could say you’re not going any more and then declare that you got last min tickets.

I’d tell her, although I assume it will mean she can’t come either.

You said “older teenagers” do they have to come? Are they unable to be left alone?

Of course you need to tell her, there are other people going who do not deserve to have their time ruined. I don't understand how you can stay friends with such a shitty person who would fail her kids so terribly but that's not entirely relevant.

Tell her you were happy to extend an invitation to her, but it's for her only.

I’ve ended friendships for this reason. Decent people at least try to bring up decent kids.

Yanbu but could you travel separately and camp in a different field or something?

“I’m sorry but I don’t think it’s a good idea for them to come. They have said they don’t want to and the last thing I’d want is for them to upset the kids who are looking forward to it. I know you’ll understand - it’s a really special weekend for the other kids”.

I totally understand what you mean. It’s like she is oblivious. I’ve tried many times to raise the issue with her about their behaviour and how as a mum it’s her responsibility to ensure they are decent humans. Unfortunately a lot of it is the dad’s influence. (They are separated) but he encourages them to be misogynistic and awful to their mum. She is out of control with it all now to the point where she’s given up. They are 18 and 16 now and she treats them like babies. They do nothing to help at home etc etc.

I’ve been friends with her for many years. Pre children.

They are 18 and 16 so you would think so right. I did suggest this to her but she says they wouldn’t cope. She does everything for them. I’ve told her she’s like a slave. She’s frightened to death of upsetting them.

Quite honestly I think they are abusive.

Then you'll have to be firm. Tell her you're sorry but her kids aren't invited and if she insists then I think I would suck it up and cancel the whole thing. People will probably drop out anyway.

I'm saying that, because if it blows up whole away, I doubt everyone will be able to hold back and it'll be an explosion away from home.

You probably need to have the fall out now.

YABU to claim they are autistic/ADHD yet they have no diagnosis and you say it as if that automatically means they’re going to be vile humans.

Their behaviour is atrocious because their parents enable them. Tell her they can’t come, tell her why and maybe she’ll start to see the impact. Ideally you’d have been this blunt when they were younger.

So it's a festival, so you cant actually stop her from going! She can buy tickets.
I think I would just simply say to her "look your kids don't want to go and have already said they won't enjoy it. This is a special time for us as friends and I don't think it's fair to bring people along who don't want to be there. So if you want to go along, then that's up to you but we want to reserve our pitch/area/time for those who are really wanting to be there. Maybe next year?"

I apologise if that’s how it sounded because that’s not how it was meant.

I have ADHD myself.

YANBU, but I do think you'll need to accept that you and your other friends holding that very reasonable boundary for yourself and your children will likely mean the end of your friendship with the mum in question. That can be very sad and also be the best choice you have.

you can say it in a kind ( but firm) way. if she falls out with you over it, that's on her.