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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Silent treatment from mother after visit

22 replies

oldshprite · 05/12/2025 14:14

Hi all, i am very confused about my moms behaviour. She visited from abroad about 3 weeks ago, to help with the kids (2 months old and a 2 year and 2 month old) as my husband was going away for work for a couple of nights. She massively overstepped boundaries - i knew she would do it as shes always done it in the past - but i was desperate for help and thought i could deal with it for the sake of it.

Long story short, we clashed every day for a week - . It all culminated with her taking photos of my toddler on the potty. When i asked her to her to delete the photos as it is inappropriate to take them in the first place, she was super offended - said "fine i will delete them all then" as in all the photos of my daughter from this visit. I then decided to ask if she had sent photos of my daughter (generally, not potty ones) to other relatives including my brother who i am not in contact with (had a fall out some years ago, and never spoke again, he never met my daughter/s nor has he tried to make contact). I think its quite odd that she sent photos to someone that has shown absolutely 0 interest in my family.. 2 days later she left in a very dramatic manner , just before getting in the lift to go to the taxi she said "What has your brother ever done to you? think about that". She has not been in contact ever since - which is quite unusual as she normally texts me to ask about daughter/s and want to chat to the toddler on camera. My toddler sometimes asks about her , but I am not really sure what to say to her. To complicate things further, prior to this, I had booked her a ticket to come visit in February - but I am very tempted to cancel it if she does not reach out beforehand. I am ceirtantly not asking her to help with childcare anymore as it clearly does not work. I think that she will probably just try to use it and come visit as if nothing as happened (wouldnt be the first time she would react in such a manner).

What to do?! Just looking for other opinions on this whole thing..

OP posts:
Endofyear · 05/12/2025 15:26

You don't sound very grateful that your mum flew out to help with your children while your husband was away. Did you make her feel welcome in your home or just spend the week arguing with her? It's hard for a mother when her children aren't speaking, she probably feels pulled in two different directions. I don't think it's appropriate for her to be taking photos of your little one on the potty but sending normal photos to family members is hardly a terrible thing to do! Why don't you give your mum a ring and try and mend some bridges?

dairydebris · 05/12/2025 15:29

Why invite her to stay when you knew she'd annoy you in this way?
Find support elsewhere.
You both sound like you rub each other the wrong way.

sprigatito · 05/12/2025 15:31

Endofyear · 05/12/2025 15:26

You don't sound very grateful that your mum flew out to help with your children while your husband was away. Did you make her feel welcome in your home or just spend the week arguing with her? It's hard for a mother when her children aren't speaking, she probably feels pulled in two different directions. I don't think it's appropriate for her to be taking photos of your little one on the potty but sending normal photos to family members is hardly a terrible thing to do! Why don't you give your mum a ring and try and mend some bridges?

This is a bit obtuse. Sending pictures of someone else’s child to family members when you know they aren’t in contact is really inappropriate. Taking photos of someone else’s child on the potty - most people would know that was unacceptable, but even if she didn’t, there’s no need for her petulant and childish response to being asked to delete them. I would send her one calm, factual message detailing the boundaries she broke and why I was upset. If she doesn’t apologise and show some awareness of how unacceptable it was, I would cancel the February visit.

Stompythedinosaur · 05/12/2025 15:33

I think it was madness to ask her to help when your relationship is obviously poor.

It sounds like there's blame on both sides. You could
have asked for the photos to be deleted without talking about how it was inappropriate to take them in the first place, that's quite a judgement-laden thing to say.

She was obviously being dramatic about deleting all her photos.

Don't ask her for help in future.

oldshprite · 05/12/2025 16:01

Endofyear · 05/12/2025 15:26

You don't sound very grateful that your mum flew out to help with your children while your husband was away. Did you make her feel welcome in your home or just spend the week arguing with her? It's hard for a mother when her children aren't speaking, she probably feels pulled in two different directions. I don't think it's appropriate for her to be taking photos of your little one on the potty but sending normal photos to family members is hardly a terrible thing to do! Why don't you give your mum a ring and try and mend some bridges?

that is true - i am not very grateful in hindsight, as her 'help' ended up causing me more anxiety than calm. so no more help from her.
i could ask her to come just to visit granddaughter and stay in a hotel (all of which would be paid by me, as all her visits have been since having children btw) - this being the only way i can keep my sanity when she visits. however, all hell will break lose again as that is highly offensive in my culture. so...

OP posts:
diddl · 05/12/2025 16:01

I'm guessing there's a reason that you couldn't have managed for a couple of nights & instead asked someone who you have a difficult relationship with to fly over?

oldshprite · 05/12/2025 16:08

sprigatito · 05/12/2025 15:31

This is a bit obtuse. Sending pictures of someone else’s child to family members when you know they aren’t in contact is really inappropriate. Taking photos of someone else’s child on the potty - most people would know that was unacceptable, but even if she didn’t, there’s no need for her petulant and childish response to being asked to delete them. I would send her one calm, factual message detailing the boundaries she broke and why I was upset. If she doesn’t apologise and show some awareness of how unacceptable it was, I would cancel the February visit.

i have thought about explaining why i was upset or re. photo taking boundaries. however i have done that in the past, when she tried to take photos of my daughter in the bath (there is a pattern there..) and she just dissmised me saying i am too overprotective of my child, and that i am the inappropriate one for having the audacity to tell her she is not to take photos of baby naked. i think she doesnt believe i can be upset about these things, since they are normal to her. i am however quite worried about these pic ending up on facebook as my dad (one of those people who received the potty photos) has accidentaly uploaded photos of my child on his profile - as he has trouble using technology in general....i have mentioned this to her but it was just ignored

OP posts:
BreakingBroken · 05/12/2025 16:10

Grandmothers take cute photos that they share with friends and family. That’s normal.
I’m sorry you didn’t find her help relaxing in what way did she overstep? Laundry?

sprigatito · 05/12/2025 16:11

oldshprite · 05/12/2025 16:08

i have thought about explaining why i was upset or re. photo taking boundaries. however i have done that in the past, when she tried to take photos of my daughter in the bath (there is a pattern there..) and she just dissmised me saying i am too overprotective of my child, and that i am the inappropriate one for having the audacity to tell her she is not to take photos of baby naked. i think she doesnt believe i can be upset about these things, since they are normal to her. i am however quite worried about these pic ending up on facebook as my dad (one of those people who received the potty photos) has accidentaly uploaded photos of my child on his profile - as he has trouble using technology in general....i have mentioned this to her but it was just ignored

Well then, she’s had her chance to be reasonable, and she’s made an active choice to carry on boundary-trampling and pleasing herself. Presumably she’s fairly confident that stonewalling and emotional blackmail will do the trick. Cancel the trip and don’t engage with her again, would be my advice.

oldshprite · 05/12/2025 16:11

diddl · 05/12/2025 16:01

I'm guessing there's a reason that you couldn't have managed for a couple of nights & instead asked someone who you have a difficult relationship with to fly over?

i hope that "this visit will be better" - each time she comes round. i was also of the opinion that i can endure the visit in case it goes sideways for the sake of my toddler - who seems to enjoy the total attention and being spoilt by grandma

OP posts:
Silverwinged · 05/12/2025 16:28

Your mother still sees you as a child. The fact that you know have a child of your own makes it even more obvious that your mother's parenting days are done. Some parents can't accept this and keep riding roughshod over the boundaries of their adult children and generally behave in a disrespectful manner towards them.

I would cancel that February ticket and maybe go low contact with her.

EuclidianGeometryFan · 05/12/2025 16:43

oldshprite · 05/12/2025 16:11

i hope that "this visit will be better" - each time she comes round. i was also of the opinion that i can endure the visit in case it goes sideways for the sake of my toddler - who seems to enjoy the total attention and being spoilt by grandma

@diddl Is asking why you felt you needed any help at all, to look after your own baby and toddler, which was just for a couple of nights.
In other words, is there an additional factor like you have a disability or one of the children has a disability or health issue?
If not, next time just power-on-through and look after your own children alone.

Cancel the tickets. Let her visit if she wants, but she has to pay. And set strict dates and a limit on how many nights she is invited for. She has to realise she is a guest in your home.
If the next visit is just as bad, cut contact. Don't let her come to stay at all. Either stick to very occasional emails / messages, or cut contact all together.

oldshprite · 05/12/2025 16:44

yeah, i guess whats gets to me is that she doesnt respect even the little things like.. bedtime/naptime; she thinks i involve my husband in decisions re kids 'too much'; agrees not to give toddler sugary treats, makes a 'sugar free' cake and only after todder has a slice, she informs me the cake actually has sugar in it; decides toddler is too shy, and wants to 'do something about it', tells toddler to stop crying cos the baby/teddy will laugh at her...

OP posts:
oldshprite · 05/12/2025 16:47

@EuclidianGeometryFan nothing special, thought id kill 2 birds with one stone as toddler enjoys spending time with her

OP posts:
GameofPhones · 05/12/2025 16:48

Sounds as if she's trying to reconcile you with your brother, from her parting words. The boundary breaches are a different matter that you may be justified in resenting.

NorthernMam20 · 05/12/2025 17:00

oldshprite · 05/12/2025 16:08

i have thought about explaining why i was upset or re. photo taking boundaries. however i have done that in the past, when she tried to take photos of my daughter in the bath (there is a pattern there..) and she just dissmised me saying i am too overprotective of my child, and that i am the inappropriate one for having the audacity to tell her she is not to take photos of baby naked. i think she doesnt believe i can be upset about these things, since they are normal to her. i am however quite worried about these pic ending up on facebook as my dad (one of those people who received the potty photos) has accidentaly uploaded photos of my child on his profile - as he has trouble using technology in general....i have mentioned this to her but it was just ignored

I don’t see the problem in not wanting someone taking photos of your daughter on the potty/in the bath. I have funny photos of my child like that but obviously not someone else’s and no one else will see them, just funny memories for myself and my child’s father to show her when she’s older. I’m sure she wouldn’t want photos taken of herself on the toilet.

NorthernMam20 · 05/12/2025 17:06

I have a similar relationship with my mam, she lives close by but it’s very surface level, she’s easily offended, always has been. Our relationship was very strained when I was a teenager, never wanted to rely on her for anything as everything was a problem. Fast forward to when my
daughter was born, she was coming round for around 6 hours a day every day, I appreciated it but it stopped me actually doing what I wanted instead of feeling like I was always hosting. I ended up just saying I didn’t need her to come round all the time and stick to usual weekly visits. She took a huff but honestly why people please difficult people?!
Whatevers happened with your brother is none of her business, her comment and the way she left it with you was crap. Just rely on someone else to help you out with childcare

Chattycatt · 05/12/2025 18:16

Totally get inviting her out of desperation. I had barely contact with my mum but when I had a baby a year ago she’s been back on the scene. I also haven’t had any contact with my brother for years ( I set up a family WhatsApp group after my grandmothers funeral) he never replied on there so after a few months I deleted it. He hasn’t said a word about my baby being born - first grandchild of the family! My mum thinks he’s a stand up guy though lol!

She should be respecting YOUR boundaries in YOUR house with YOUR child. She sounds immature and narcissistic?

Not much to say other than I empathise and from what you’ve written - you’re not in the wrong. Super hard when you have no childcare/other support

Ksjushona · 05/12/2025 18:56

BreakingBroken · 05/12/2025 16:10

Grandmothers take cute photos that they share with friends and family. That’s normal.
I’m sorry you didn’t find her help relaxing in what way did she overstep? Laundry?

But they’re not just “cute” photos, are they? It’s the photos of her child naked on the potty that OP has an issue with. I don’t think YABU OP.

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 05/12/2025 19:12

Sort out alternative help with the kids. You clearly can't ask her again. You are not wrong to establish boundaries.

PithyScroller · 05/12/2025 19:23

You sound like incredibly hard work.

oldshprite · 05/12/2025 20:03

PithyScroller · 05/12/2025 19:23

You sound like incredibly hard work.

you should see my mother 😁

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