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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel totally invisible to him sometimes?

16 replies

Dillydallydo · 05/12/2025 12:50

I may be just feeling overly emotional today as it's been a tough week so I may be being unreasonable.

DP and I have been together 10.5 years and we have two DCs 8 and 7.

We picked our Christmas tree from the local farm on Wednesday evening and it was very scrunched up where it has been wrapped so we put it in its base and let it settle. I worked last night (Thurs) so assumed we were decorating together this evening (Fri) after school and work.

I got home from work at 1am and the tree had been decorated. I was disappointed as it's usually something we all do together with some Christmas music and snacks. I spoke to DP on the phone and asked why they'd decorated without me. He said he always did it with the children so that's why he did it this year. I was shocked and said no, I'm very much there and very much involved. He was absolutely adamant I'm not and I'm 'usually in the kitchen'. I got upset on the phone because I just feel so unseen at the moment in general. I'm quite a sentimental person and he knows these little things mean a lot to me. He got aggy with me about being upset.

I've just looked back on the last 3 years on my camera roll (all I have on this phone) where I've taken photos tree decorating, I'm not in any photos (of course!) but I'm very much in the middle of it with them.

AIBU to just feel so invisible?

OP posts:
Onemorestepalongtheroad · 05/12/2025 12:53

That’s a real dick move on his part you’ve every right to feel upset. It sounds like it’s part of a wider problem though so I think you need to revisit the conversation.

RomeoRivers · 05/12/2025 12:54

Kindly, I think you’re overreacting and being a bit sensitive.

You can make the gingerbread house with them this weekend if you want some festive family time.

verycloakanddaggers · 05/12/2025 12:57

Yeah, that's not pleasant of him.

TappaMcFeety · 05/12/2025 12:58

Totally insensitive on his part. I would be hurt too. Decorating the tree is a special family occasion and I’m not surprised it’s left you feeling invisible to him.💐

5128gap · 05/12/2025 13:00

Yes I can see why that's upsetting. Because it seems your partner has reached the point where he isn't even noticing whether you're there or not. However, this could be more a case of him not really thinking it mattered if he did it without you, then when you were upset, justifying himself by claiming to think you weren't usually there, despite knowing really that you were. It's the sort of daft thing people say to get out of trouble then have to double down on.

TheatricalLife · 05/12/2025 13:02

Wow, that was unkind. He may have genuinely thought he was right, but he could have at least acknowledged your feelings.
I'd make a plan to do something Christmas related with the kids this weekend. Baking, paperchains or crafts, winter walk. The tree may be done, but there are other nice things.
I'd talk to him face to face later calmly and explain how feel and just get it out there. Doesn't need to be a fight or accusatory.

Redpeach · 05/12/2025 13:04

RomeoRivers · 05/12/2025 12:54

Kindly, I think you’re overreacting and being a bit sensitive.

You can make the gingerbread house with them this weekend if you want some festive family time.

With the dh as well?

Sidebeforeself · 05/12/2025 13:17

I can easily see myself doing what your DH did to be honest. Just thinking “ I’ll crack on with this” . I really don’t think you should extrapolate this to him not seeing you ( unless there’s a backstory). It’s just a bit of thoughtlessness. Don’t let it spoil your Christmas… it’s only Dec 5th so plenty of time for other family stuff

Fdsew · 05/12/2025 13:21

How deeply unpleasant of him.
Not a kind thing to say.
You need to harden up big time if you are going to survive a relationship with such a twat.
Do you do a lot for him?
Stop it.
You are clearly been massively taken for granted.
Own your part in that and do something about it.

Thundertoast · 05/12/2025 13:25

Just to warn you OP, you will have a load of people coming along telling you that its not a big deal and you are overreacting without reading your OP explaining quite clearly that this is yet another thing in a long line of things that make you feel unseen in this relationship, and that he knows full well things like this mean a lot to you.
The fact that he has got annoyed with you for being upset instead of going 'oh god, i wasnt thinking im sorry, let me make it up to you why dont we do X altogether later to make up for it' is so sad. Thats the sign of someone who doesnt see you as a team - when you're a team you want to lift the other person up, and even if you dont mean to hurt them and you might think they are being daft, you are still sad at seeing them hurt and want to turn things around... not just going into defensive mode.

Sidebeforeself · 05/12/2025 13:35

Thundertoast · 05/12/2025 13:25

Just to warn you OP, you will have a load of people coming along telling you that its not a big deal and you are overreacting without reading your OP explaining quite clearly that this is yet another thing in a long line of things that make you feel unseen in this relationship, and that he knows full well things like this mean a lot to you.
The fact that he has got annoyed with you for being upset instead of going 'oh god, i wasnt thinking im sorry, let me make it up to you why dont we do X altogether later to make up for it' is so sad. Thats the sign of someone who doesnt see you as a team - when you're a team you want to lift the other person up, and even if you dont mean to hurt them and you might think they are being daft, you are still sad at seeing them hurt and want to turn things around... not just going into defensive mode.

Where does it say it’s the latest thing in a long line of things?

Thundertoast · 05/12/2025 13:41

Sidebeforeself · 05/12/2025 13:35

Where does it say it’s the latest thing in a long line of things?

Show quote history

Okay, il hold my hands up and say the op doesnt say that exactly! Embarrassing 😅
'I got upset on the phone because I just feel so unseen at the moment in general. '

UPFoff · 05/12/2025 14:26

That’s a dick move from your partner.

Sidebeforeself · 05/12/2025 16:21

Thundertoast · 05/12/2025 13:41

Okay, il hold my hands up and say the op doesnt say that exactly! Embarrassing 😅
'I got upset on the phone because I just feel so unseen at the moment in general. '

Show quote history

That could be taken many ways I suppose! I just thought I’d missed something despite careful reading!

Beserkering · 05/12/2025 16:48

Isn’t this what they call “gaslighting”?

He knows full well you were there and involved in previous years.

RomeoRivers · 05/12/2025 23:58

Redpeach · 05/12/2025 13:04

With the dh as well?

Show quote history

That depends; if she wants to play tit for tat down the road that eventually leads to divorce, then of course she should have her festive moment with the kids, without him.

But, if she wants to stay married, move past his thoughtlessness and create happy family Christmas memories, then it might be a nice thing for them to do altogether.

Either option should help her get over the upset of missing out on the tree decorating this year.

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