I will be turning 30 on NYE
I have a 3&4 year old, one with ASD.
i work full time, I do part time university
i do all the cleaning, the finances
i would say im resilient, never out of choice
my OH has changed alot since having children, but looking back I think its me thats changed, and when I met him at 20 I was in a lonely place, I think (great sex) it was always lust, confused with love in my loneliness.
he is extremely emotionally avoidant, as I get older, i see others I realise and have known for a while that of course, hes not the person I want to spend my life with, but I hold nothing against him equally, as I generally feel something neurodivergent may be there & ultimately after several attempts, nothing will change this I can see his brain internally implode and he just freezes in the face of conflict, emotions, emotional conversations.
i know I wont get a happy birthday or a card, just like every year & we wont have conversations about the future & when I tell him how I feel he replies with ‘ok’ and takes himself to bed & he wont ever say ‘have a nice time’, hug me when I need it & he will always sleep like a baby despite turmoil & he will never look me in the eye when im talking to him or reflect any interest or response to me.
Ive come to accept this is what life looks like for a while, but somethings have been happening that I simply cant look past, and now I want him OUT.
Hes a anti-vaxer, anti-sweets, anti-fluoride, anti-tv, anti lots of things, of course those rules do not apply to him, the limited time hes with the children. I collect my kids at 3, I work till 5, I do them dinner and they do colouring and I pop the TV on before bathtime (i have no shame in TV time) and everyday, he comes home and looks at me in sheer disgust, like pure judgemental disgust.
he does the same with snacks (cereal) disgust
he says I dont play with them enough (im trying my best and we have debts I need to pay) and ultimately i do EVERYTHING therefore, time is hard to come by, both my kids have medical conditions and frequent appointments / school events / general fight for support and so on with SEND.
he has started to reflect his insecurities onto me, and holds me to a standard he does not quite hold to himself. Like when he brought a tub of brownies out at bedtime, or they shout daddy 20 times a day but he is too engrossed in his phone to hear them.
when he reflects he says ‘we’ are not good parents, I feel i am a good parent, i know he thinks otherwise, he tells me off when im telling my children off (drawing on my walls, hitting) some things deserve a raised voice IMO.
i cant come back from this & I just needed to get this off my chest as you know, I cant talk to him?!