Late to a funeral - etiquette?

[Augustandeverythingafter1]

Just wanted to know people would have done. Obviously not be late but we were and the funeral started exactly on time. Not a church.

We arrived just as they were bringing the coffin into the room. We followed it in without thinking. So everyone saw us behind the coffin.

We should have been sat at the front and my partner started walking there but I (silenty) just pulled him into some seats on the edge of a row at the back. Basically just trying to be as discreet as possible.

But now Im thinking we should have waited outside until it had begun and everyone was looking at the front, not the door and then quietly slipped in.

What would you have done?

They come in after the family. Everyone waits outside for the hearse and cars and the family go in first behind the coffin.

At every funeral I've been to, the coffin has gone in first, followed by immediate family and then the rest of the people.

You've had a shocker here.

If you are the people meant to be sat in the front row (so important to person who passed away), how could you be late?

At my dad’s funeral the coffin was at the front before everyone else. Family came in last and sat at the front. There was apparently a latecomer who tiptoed in as the minister was welcoming everyone! My friends noticed him and were amused - no idea who it was. I kind of wish I’d seen him!

I wonder if it differs depending on the place. The last crematorium funeral I went to was my dad's and he was carried in with us following him and all the other attendees following us IYSWIM.

But the last church funeral I attended everyone went inside and sat down and then the coffin arrived with the immediate family following it.

That's one way but I don't think there's a set hard & fast rule.

I would have instinctively done what you did.

The last funeral I was at, some mourners arrived late and absolutely no one judged them. People understand that things happen.

If the coffin was just arriving, surely there were family members following it.? And if you were supposed to be at the front, you sound like family, so why wouldn't you just stay with everyone and get your seats.

I followed my dad's coffin into the crematorium

Around her they seem to do it one of 2 ways.

1. Every one is seated first then the undertakers bring the coffin in followed by the chief mourners.
2. Everyone waits outside (usually because the crematorium is doing back to back services). Then the coffin is taken in followed by the chief mourners and then everyone else.

Anyone who arrives after the coffin waits in the lobby or outside.

This is what I thought. Maybe he was right to follow his family rather than be dragged aside to sit at the back

Everyone was already in the room and the coffin was bought in by the professional pallbearers.

No one followed the coffin in (apart from us because we were late). I've never been to a funeral where people follow the coffin.

She was an immediate family member so we should have been sat in the front row/s but I didnt want to draw more attention or risk having to ask people to shuffle accross when the service was starting. It just seemed better to grab whatever seats were easily available.

Obviously we shouldnt have been late. Unfortunately the taxi was late and then there were temporary traffic lights.

If we are unlucky enough to be in the same situation again, we'll wait until the coffin is at the front before sneaking in and sitting at the back.

FWIW she would have just been happy we were there. But if course, funerals are for the living and I wouldnt want to upset anyone so thank you for the reassurance that we didnt do anything really awful.

Because shit happens, i was late for a funeral because of snow. The only funeral I've rocked up at in hiking boots.

All it takes is a minor bump on the motorway or a set of road works and you've lots 30min.

The taxi was ordered to arrive there 20mins early which should have been plenty of time. It was 10mins late (and nothing else was available) and then there were temporary traffic lights which, with the resultant traffic added another 10mins on. The service started bang on time.

You probably should have waited until the coffin was at the front and then slipped in to sit at the back.

Honestly though, the people there probably didn't give it a seconds thought, due to the circumstances. Don't worry about it, and sorry that what is always a horrible thing to go through was made even more stressful.

Was it his Mum? Because that would change things and late or not he should’ve carried on to the front and you shouldn’t have stopped him.

I don’t think people would care, and I certainly wouldn’t have. At my mums funeral I was so overwhelmed and thankful for the people that had shown up, I wouldn’t care what time they got there. Yes it may not be etiquette to follow in the coffin but who cares really?

‘Funerals are for the living’
At the time, you done what you thought was best. That’s ok.
Was it clumsy? Yes. Does it matter? No. I wouldn’t worry.
You can’t change it now, but next time I’d do as suggested. But hindsight is a wonderful thing. Sorry for your loss.

If I arrived late I'd wait outside till the coffin was at the front, then slip into one of the back rows. I'd apply this to a relative like an aunt, cousin, etc.

The exception being if it was a parent or sibling or close relative like that, then I'd wait for the coffin to be at the front and quickly and quietly take my place up the front. People will just assume something went wrong on the way, making you late, and forget about it.

If it were closer, like a spouse or child, they wouldn't have started the funeral without you and you'd probably have accompanied the casket, so I'm guessing parent.

It's not hard and fast rules though as the relationship with the deceased comes into play. I think the main thing is be discreet and not disruptive.

I’d have waited until the coffin reached the front and then sneaked in and sat at the back. I wouldn’t beat yourself up about it.

Get back to the car and do a runner 🙈 sorry this once happened to me, my brothers friend died to early and my parents got the crem time erm completely wrong, I was so embarrassed turning up as they were finishing.

Recently I was going to an admin to ashes evening, hearing about when you are last in the family line, I was so embarrassed getting hideously lost around Colchester crem I was delighted to later be able to watch the evening by video link, Evie King of Colchester you are an absolute diamond - thank you.

Why didn’t they wait it it’s your immediate family? 10 mins isn’t long. All very weird, you didn’t have a funeral procession? That said she’s dead and won’t care and I doubt anyone else does.

It's really not that hard to imagine how someone might be late if travelling to a funeral is it? What's the point in trying to make tbe OP feel bad?

I have to say, I'm surprised they started without you. We did a similar arrangement for a funeral a couple of weeks ago, and the funeral director checked with us that everyone we were expecting for the front row was here before we started shepherding people in.