Did I give the wrong advice to my friend re ex mother in law and GC contact

[Lolo2000]

Hi ladies,

I'll start with background, well what I know. My friend and ex spilt a year ago, he is a deadbeat, and amazingly became even more of a deadbeat towards their 6 yr old DS, however my friend maintained somewhat of a relationship with her ex's mother for the sake of her son (the only GC)

Anyway, her ex's mother only started paying more of an interest when towards her son when they spilt, her son has started to stay at GM house once every 6 weeks for the evening.

Here's the problem and the advice I gave.
My friend said GM and her husband collected DS on Saturday at 10.00 in their car from her home, my friend lives in SW London and GM in NE London, so as far as they could be from each other. My friend doesn't drive and deadbeat ex pays nothing for their son (she's got a battle with CM at the moment, he's not engaging with them)
My friend arranged to collect her son on Sunday morning at 12 as they were going out in London for the day, so she said it made sense for her to collect from GMs house.
My friend and I planned a meal out (my last before I give birth) at 5.30pm Saturday night she received a VN on what's app from GM saying "he wants to come home and sleep in his own bed, we can't drop him home so yeah"
My friend was a little shocked at the bluntless of this, as to get to her home it would take just under 2 hours on public transport, and was wary of bringing him home on a Saturday evening.
She rang her ex for help to see if he could meet half way as he lives very close to his mother, he refused.
Her family live further than her, but she managed said that she would obviously cancel our evening (if needs be) and use the money (110 for a cab both ways) if she had to.

Her son did fall asleep just after 7 but she was still cancelled her evening out.

She then went on to tell me that the GM doesn't have nothing to do with her son in-between visits, no calls, no questions, feeds him rubbish when he's at hers, does nothing with him, keeps him indoors all day, he told her that he gets bored. She said when it comes to dropping and collecting, GM will expect her to collect, she will never do both, despite her driving and knowing my friend is struggling financially with money.

I said to her "do not get into the habit of dropping or collecting, if she wants to see GS then she should make the effort, she should also have told you why she couldn't drop him, you need to have a plan if that happens again, she shouldn't be willing to let her GC travel almost 2 hours on a cold dark evening.

My friend messaged the GM on Sunday stating the above, in a nice polite way of course.
She received no reply back, GM read the message and ignored her.

They don't have a great relationship - now I feel like I've given her the wrong advice

Was I being unreasonable with what I said?

No, I think that's fair!
GM drives, I know plenty who collect and drop of GC when they have asked to see them.

Sounds like she doesn't want to do it, also sounds very petty to ignore her.
My parents wouldn't dream of their GC being dragged through London when they had the ability to drive

You were more polite than I would be. Sounds like Gran is just doing it to make herself feel/seem good. And no way would I be dragging a kid across London for duty visits. Your advice was fine.

Your advice sounds fine.
And remember it’s just your view, not an order. Your friend asked your advice but at the end of the day she was the one who chose what to do.

First of all, you gave her your thoughts on how you’d handle it. She’s an adult with free will and she can make whatever decisions she wants for her child. That doesn’t really have anything to do with you. So I can’t see what you’d have to feel bad about.

Secondly, what outcome would anyone expect here? The grandparents sound shit and disinterested, just like their son. They ignore him in between visits, just like they are now. This is how they roll. She set a boundary, which is perfectly reasonable and sensible (me personally, I would have put an end to this a long time ago!). They don’t really care by the sounds of it, so they haven’t responded. It’s not like they were going to suddenly change form and be great grandparents.

This doesn’t sound like a healthy arrangement for her son. If they want to step up the game and do better, great. It sounds like they don’t. You can lead a horse to water and all.

I can’t imagine parents who made a man who doesn’t really care about his son would turn out to be stellar grandparents.

Thank you.
I think that too, she's only doing it to make herself seem like she's a good GP.
She doesn't help out at all, doesn't offer during school holidays, just the odd night every 6 weeks but expects my friend to collect or drop.

The refusal and no reason behind as to why she couldn't drop her GC back home really wound me up (along with deadbeat refusing to help)
Her DS did say he gets bored there, that's why he wanted to come home.
Seems she does nothing with him apart from taking photos and videos of him

If I were your friend, I'd be telling her the visits to their home are stopping because she can't afford the collection fare and it's unfair on DS to be dragged to and fro like this for something he's not enjoying. And leave it like that.

I'd be telling your friend to go NC with both ex and Gm.
That poor child doesn't need a Dd and a Gm like they are in his life!!

X

Your right, with everything you say. I just felt so sorry for her on Saturday, her face when she got the message (I had just got to her home) she literally burst into tears, especially when her ex said "it's your mess you sort it out"

They are awful, I don't think the GM likes her at all, she said the relationship is fake/sickly polite to each other - obviously for the sake of her son.
I just gave advice going forwards, she shouldn't be expected to do either the collection of drop off especially as they have requested this GC, and there needs to be a plan in place, either they drop him off or he doesn't stay at all and they just take him out for the day (meet in the middle)

She's left in limbo really with what they are thinking, I doubt they have given her words a thought.

The photos and videos will be to put on social media or to send to other family members to pretend that she is grandmother of the year. Your friend is being totally reasonable to stop facilitating this arrangement that neither she nor her son enjoys or gets any benefit from.

I think it was fair. I'm also not surprised GM didnt like it.

So it depends whether the aim of the advice was to protect your friend or maintain the relationship with GM.

Sorry, wrong thread!