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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling unsupported?

14 replies

ellie09 · 03/12/2025 23:33

Hi all

I went through a bit of a cancer scare around 5 months ago. I had CIN cells that needed treatment, and for me, at least, the treatment was painful and a hotbox a rollercoaster.

Fast forward to today, I have found swelling and a lump in my armpit. I didnt expect to feel so much anxiety around this, but I am unable to contact my GP (cant get through this on the phone and they only take appts by phone, so turned me away when I turned up in person as I cant get through by phone), had a video call with a virtual GP who said they cant help. Out of hours doctor said they couldn't help and I needed to go to A&E. Pharamist cant help and said to go to GP.

I am obviously distressed, I have some health anxiety from months prior, I have vocalised these... And I am left alone?

My DP is a gamer and he likes to game with his friends. He is currently up there gaming while I panic downstairs.

The thing is, if I said to him, could he spend the night with me he would, but would you not expect him to at this stage?

I dont know if I am being presumtive here or I am just more in tune with what people need?

OP posts:
MojoMoon · 03/12/2025 23:39

Hang on, you found a swelling this morning and have in one day:

  1. Rung the GP to try and make an appointment
  2. Gone to the GP surgery despite not having an appointment
  3. Seen a virtual GP
  4. Seen or had a call with an out of hours doctor somewhere?
  5. Gone to a pharmacist
  6. Reading between the lines, considered going to A&E.

Even with a previous scare, that's an extreme reaction. You aren't dying and in need of emergency treatment today.
You need to ring the GP and make an appointment. That's it.

Your DP is not a mind reader and your response is beyond the realms of normal so no, it's not entirely surprising he hasn't read your mind.

Original poster
ellie09 · 03/12/2025 23:42

MojoMoon · 03/12/2025 23:39

Hang on, you found a swelling this morning and have in one day:

  1. Rung the GP to try and make an appointment
  2. Gone to the GP surgery despite not having an appointment
  3. Seen a virtual GP
  4. Seen or had a call with an out of hours doctor somewhere?
  5. Gone to a pharmacist
  6. Reading between the lines, considered going to A&E.

Even with a previous scare, that's an extreme reaction. You aren't dying and in need of emergency treatment today.
You need to ring the GP and make an appointment. That's it.

Your DP is not a mind reader and your response is beyond the realms of normal so no, it's not entirely surprising he hasn't read your mind.

Nope, I found it 4 weeks ago, so been trying 3 weeks to get an appointment.

They only take over the phone. I ring on the button, and they disconnect me. I went in person, they said to ring.

I have went through all other options, and its either GP or A&E(which I dont want to attend, as they are stretched enough as it is)

This isnt just something I observed today.

OP posts:
CandyCayne · 03/12/2025 23:47

If you discovered this 4 weeks ago and the only way you can get it looked at is by taking the advice to go to A&E then you should've done that ages ago.

Go tomorrow OP and good luck Flowers

Mummysof · 03/12/2025 23:49

If I was as panicked and as worried as you are coming across I’d of been at a&e ages ago.

Original poster
ellie09 · 03/12/2025 23:51

CandyCayne · 03/12/2025 23:47

If you discovered this 4 weeks ago and the only way you can get it looked at is by taking the advice to go to A&E then you should've done that ages ago.

Go tomorrow OP and good luck Flowers

Yep, I got told twice now to go, but you hear so much about people wasting resources and time etc that it plays om you almost.

The plan is to go up to A&E tomorrow morning (as my GP refuses tp acknowledge me).

I just feel very alone - I went out to walk the dog, feeling tired, came back with wine (which is unusual midweek but I am feeling really down) and DP just says "ok see you at bed!"

I'm not expecting him to be psychic but if someone is clearly struggling a bit, I think you would make an effort.

OP posts:
Original poster
ellie09 · 03/12/2025 23:52

Mummysof · 03/12/2025 23:49

If I was as panicked and as worried as you are coming across I’d of been at a&e ages ago.

I was going to go tonight, then I was reminded by my partner that there was "an 8 hour wait and people with life threatening conditions". I then felt guilty and didn't go.

OP posts:
CandyCayne · 03/12/2025 23:54

ellie09 · 03/12/2025 23:51

Yep, I got told twice now to go, but you hear so much about people wasting resources and time etc that it plays om you almost.

The plan is to go up to A&E tomorrow morning (as my GP refuses tp acknowledge me).

I just feel very alone - I went out to walk the dog, feeling tired, came back with wine (which is unusual midweek but I am feeling really down) and DP just says "ok see you at bed!"

I'm not expecting him to be psychic but if someone is clearly struggling a bit, I think you would make an effort.

Show quote history

Yes I understand and it's disappointing that he's not more supportive.

I'm just wondering if given your refusal to get it looked at in the only way possible, is making him think it's not worrying you too much?

CandyCayne · 03/12/2025 23:56

I have read that on average, the quietest time to go to most A&Es is between 6am and 7am, although Mondays are apparently busier generally so best avoided.

TryingAgainAgainAgain · 03/12/2025 23:56

If you want to really feel unsupported, OP, come to AIBU! What charmers the above posters are. They obviously get something out of picking through the post of someone struggling, and then criticising, but I’m sure it’s doing nothing for your state of mind.

Of course your partner should spend some time with you, being supportive and just there. When you’re going through clearly worrying health issues you really shouldn’t have to ask.

So many people are having this nightmare run around with the NHS at the moment. It’s guaranteed to make a worrying situation feel worse.

Is it still worth telling your partner you could do with some support tonight? I hope you can get some rest either way.

Original poster
ellie09 · 03/12/2025 23:58

CandyCayne · 03/12/2025 23:54

Yes I understand and it's disappointing that he's not more supportive.

I'm just wondering if given your refusal to get it looked at in the only way possible, is making him think it's not worrying you too much?

Show quote history

Maybe so. I think I have so much health anxiety, I am almost reluctant.

I had a bunch of bloods tested a few months back that showed high levels of B12 (I am always low). My friend told me it's an indicator something is wrong, then I get this. Something feels off as well.

Trying to keep it together for my DP and son - my LLETZ treatment was enough, I had a really rough time with recovery, infection etc, and my wedding is in 7 months.

Pressure is definitely on, to keep it altogether.

OP posts:
1Messycoo · 04/12/2025 00:05

Phone or email to make a complaint to the practice manager explaining your symptoms and phone again and demand an appointment if not a GP then with practice nurse.
This is Urgent or phone the hospital and ask to speak to the breast care team and they should advise or at least contact your GP practice on your behalf .

Although you are anxious, it could be a cyst or a swollen lymph node.
good luck and keep us up to date.

TopazQuartz · 04/12/2025 00:17

TryingAgainAgainAgain · 03/12/2025 23:56

If you want to really feel unsupported, OP, come to AIBU! What charmers the above posters are. They obviously get something out of picking through the post of someone struggling, and then criticising, but I’m sure it’s doing nothing for your state of mind.

Of course your partner should spend some time with you, being supportive and just there. When you’re going through clearly worrying health issues you really shouldn’t have to ask.

So many people are having this nightmare run around with the NHS at the moment. It’s guaranteed to make a worrying situation feel worse.

Is it still worth telling your partner you could do with some support tonight? I hope you can get some rest either way.

This!

OP, the vast majority of these things turn out to be nothing (and I've had an awful health scare too in the past and it has affected my ability to go get tested etc but we must, most of the time it won't be anything serious and if it were, treatment is available quickly)

I think there's a gap in support for people who have health scares, the support coming for those who have serious illness and rightly so, but how many avoid getting seen because of previous scares.

I wish you well, the stats are on your side that this will turn out to be nothing to worry about so I'd go seek that support from DP tonight and spell it out if you have to!

Original poster
ellie09 · 04/12/2025 08:40

TopazQuartz · 04/12/2025 00:17

This!

OP, the vast majority of these things turn out to be nothing (and I've had an awful health scare too in the past and it has affected my ability to go get tested etc but we must, most of the time it won't be anything serious and if it were, treatment is available quickly)

I think there's a gap in support for people who have health scares, the support coming for those who have serious illness and rightly so, but how many avoid getting seen because of previous scares.

I wish you well, the stats are on your side that this will turn out to be nothing to worry about so I'd go seek that support from DP tonight and spell it out if you have to!

Show quote history

Luckily we have a great local organisation who support people even through the diagnostic process of cancer and also preventative treatments. They have gave me some advice, provided reassurance etc.

I have had two cancer scares in a year - a skin one which required a biopsy, and then the LLETZ. Every member of my family that has died, its been cancer and I was there when my gran died when I was 20, which traumatised me, in a way, and it took me a long time to grieve properly.

It probably is something that is easily treated and nothing to worry about and hopefully I get some help today.

OP posts:
Swiftie1878 · 04/12/2025 09:13

You say if you asked your DP to spend time with you, he would. So he IS supportive. He’s just not a mind reader.
Ask HIM to call the GP surgery and make an appointment for you. You are stressed out, so ask for help.
If he can’t get you an appointment, ask him to take you to A&E and wait with you.

Get this sorted out. Procrastination will only elevate your stress levels.

Good luck x

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