I’ve been writing this post in my notes app for the best part of a week now but I think I need some outside voices on it before I can put it to bed/move forward and I don’t really have anyone IRL to talk to about it. Not sure if it’s an AIBU or more of an AIO but I’m sure you’ll tell me. Get a brew because it’s a long one!
A few years ago after a previous miscarriage my DS1 was born. My younger sibling was besotted with him. Having never really had a close relationship I thought this would be our chance to finally have a bond. They would message and ask for photos constantly, albeit the messages were addressed to DS1 rather than me 😂 Would spoil him with gifts and would visit us with DM often and take lots of photos of/with him. There was some aspect of sibling treating DS1 like an accessory, like a handbag dog of sorts. It became apparent that every interaction with him was being shared on social media and all the gestures started to feel empty, as if they were using my DS1 for likes and to make themselves appear a certain way to others. Sibling would want to take him out for the day, without me or anyone else present, but didn’t want to change any nappies or learn how to put the car seat into the car, or how to put the pram up and down, so ultimately I had to say no.
A few years later I fell pregnant again with DS2. The pregnancy was horrific and I was assigned to mental health midwife for pregnancy related anxiety and had weekly appointments with her. I realised that I was the one making all of the effort with my family, I was the one making the plans, booking events, paying for everything, running around and bending to everyone else’s schedule/will. With this on top of the pregnancy anxiety and a very stressful day job I decided to go into the new year with my own family unit in mind, and made the decision to only make efforts with people that did the same for me. I stopped being the one to text/call/visit people first. DM and sibling quickly fell off the face of the earth, I would go weeks without seeing/speaking to them. Bear in mind my mental health was in the toilet and I was irrationally terrified of losing my baby.
Fast forward to a Friday night in spring, I was in hospital due to concerns over the baby’s heartbeat at a midwife appointment. Unbeknownst to me DM had an accident in public which required an ambulance to a&e. The first I heard of this was late afternoon the next day (Saturday) from my DF (divorced from DM years ago). I immediately called DM to find out what had happened, what hospital she was in, what could I bring etc. She told me she was fine, there was no need to panic and she was being discharged in a few hours so would see me in the morning.
DP then decided to reveal to me that DM had organised a surprise baby shower for me on the following day (Sunday). I was devastated, I had had a surprise baby shower with my first and for various reasons it was awful. I had been very vocal about not wanting another, and certainly not a surprise one at that. I realise this sounds very ungrateful but it’s hard to understand why without going into too much detail but suffice to say when my DP told me the night before I sat and cried for hours before the panic set in over being heavily pregnant with nothing to wear.
The morning of the baby shower arrives, after a good nights sleep I was feeling more positive about it and had found something to wear that still fit around the bump. We (DP, DS1 and I) arrive at the venue, the car park is empty. My DF was inside with his 2 sisters and my MIL & PIL. There was also a handful of my work friends there (I was in charge of our site so they were all members of my teams). I thought we were early, we weren’t. DM and sibling hadn’t thought to invite people. I was expecting DM to surprise me from a corner but DF told me she was still in hospital. I asked where sibling was, DF said they were there earlier to set up, were in a foul mood and left shortly after. I asked DF why sibling was upset, he said they were annoyed I left DM lay on the pavement in the town centre until midnight on a Friday and couldn’t even be bothered to call. I explained I was unaware anything had happened until the following day, and also that I was in hospital myself at the time anyway. DF said not to worry about it and enjoy the shower.
I sat with my co-workers (invited by my DP) and they proceeded to tell me that they had arrived early, seen sibling setting up, offered a hand and were basically told to eff off, and that sibling had had some sort of row with DF that left him in tears. I have never been so embarrassed in my life. These are people I work with day in day out, I’m well respected in my job and I was so humiliated that they not only had to witness that interaction but also that they were the only ones at my baby shower with a couple of family members, no other friends or family. What must they have thought of me? I broke down in tears. People made their excuses to leave and the whole thing was over in less than an hour.
Later that day I visited DM in the hospital, MIL made a huge picnic with the buffet food for her so I took that with me. That was the extent of our conversation about the event.
That evening I received a message from sibling telling me how much of a monster I am, that I am happy to cut people out of my child’s life if they don’t pander to my every whim. All manner of horrible things. It took everything in me not to reply and we haven’t spoken a word to each other since. Sibling did not speak to DF for months either and their relationship is still strained now.
DS1 would constantly ask about sibling, when he could see them, could he FaceTime etc. It took a really long time for him to forget - he was only 3 at the time.
It’s now 2.5 years later. DS1 recently went to Grandma’s house and saw sibling there. (Sibling lives with DM but will usually go out if we are coming over or stay in their room if it’s a quick visit/DS1 is there without us.) For some reason on this occasion sibling decided to interact. Only hello, how’s school that kind of thing but DS1 is now intrigued who this person that lives with Grandma is and wants to go round at every opportunity. This weekend just gone I had no choice but to leave DS1 at DMs house for a few hours, sibling was there and I’m told they had a wonderful afternoon together and sibling told DS1 he could come and play anytime. DM is obviously delighted and DS1 has someone shiny and new to play with.
So the purpose of this whole life story is what should I do? I don’t want DS1 to be heartbroken if sibling decides to drop him and walk out of his life again. He is much older now and much more aware. He feels all the feels so he would be devastated if he built up a bond with someone and they just vanished. Do I allow this to continue or do I put a stop to it? DP is of the opinion that it only happens at DMs house, so don’t let him to DMs house, but then he would miss out on building a relationship with DM too. And where does it end, he will want sibling round for Christmas, birthdays, movie nights etc. I can’t forgive the things she said to me but I don’t want to deprive my child. Then there is DS2 whom sibling has never met nor shown any interest in. How is it fair to him? I often get so upset at the thought that he has just been tossed aside, he is such a joy and I just can’t understand why anyone wouldn’t want to be in his life. I just don’t know where to go from here.
Am I being unreasonable, should I just allow it to play out?
Am I not being unreasonable, should I stop my DS1 from continuing this relationship?
Am I just overreacting/overthinking?
😩