To think our family is complete with 3 kids.

[summermumma2021]

So my husband and I are both 31 years old and we have 3 boys aged 4,2 and 1. My husband is an accountant and I’m a teacher, so we earn what I would consider slightly under average.
My husband is ready to book his vasectomy and I agree that it’s definitely the right decision for us on a practical level. Every reason for it is the logical choice but part of me keeps hesitating. I definitely don’t want to have another baby any time soon as I have three wonderful boys who keep me so active and work to juggle too. My head tells me we’re done but my heart sometimes wonders if we’d regret this in a few years time when the boys are older.

Close friends and family have said that we’re quite young to know that our family is complete and have also pointed out that you never know how you’ll feel down the line. AIBU to think husband should go ahead and have the vasectomy?

Arent they reversible anyway?

I think they are reversible but costly and not always successfully reversed (from my research).

Your kids are very close in age. I would struggle to think how you could give them the time and attention they deserve as they grow. The people who I know with 4 kids say that they are always letting someone down.

They are close in age and they have plenty of attention and time dedicated to them. We work very hard to ensure that they do. That is the main reason why I’d not have a fourth child as I want to ensure we always have enough of us available for our existing children.

M4 on the teacher scale is pretty much average wage, so if you’re not on it you will be in three years.

Will they ‘ do ‘ a vasectomy with 3 children of same gender ? Genuine question as I remember a friend of mine going for a consultation several years back and was told they’re less willing to perform one where the parents only have 1 gender , as the ‘ let’s try for a girl/ boy ‘ kicks in more often

You already have three to potentially put through uni and who then need to find jobs in what is already a very difficult market and may get much worse with AI - and then are looking at renting or buying a flat or house with prices through the roof. Financially, if you want to be able to help your kids out a bit, I think you'd be mad to have another.

Iv 3 boys, same sort of age gaps. Mine are teens now. Ours have adhd but we realised we couldnt stretch ourselves well between 3 never mind 4 when they were all under 5. So dh had vasectomy.

Its much harder once they get older and all want to do different afterschool activities etc. The teen years are tough in a different way. Im not regretting having more. Im excited about the next steps, watching them build their own lives and having lots lovely adult hols with dh

I’d say don’t, I was that 4th child and my siblings resented me because they were a bit older and I took all mums time as a baby/toddler and they felt once I came along mum was too busy and she didn’t spend enough time with them as a result the are not that close to her and I don’t think we have much of a sibling bond.
It was also a case of 3 sons and finally a daughter so especially the youngest of my brothers felt he was just another try for a girl.

Definitely not being unreasonable. My DH had a vasectomy when I was 31 after 3 and we don’t regret it at all. Four kids sounded like way too much work to me

4 kids is way too much work (I have 4!)

My DH had a vasectomy after we had our third child. But the difference is I knew we were done having children. There was not a doubt in either of our minds that it was the right thing to do. Plus we were older, in our late thirties, which helped us come to the decision.

However, if you have doubts, then don't do it yet. Wait a little while, perhaps a couple of years, and see how you feel then. It's all very well people saying that they wouldn't have four children , but they are not you. I know families with four children (or more!), and they are all very happy with their decision to have a large family. For me, three was enough. For my sister, she was one and done. Everyone is different.

I think you have to go into the decision to have a vasectomy with the attitude that it's a final choice. Yes, they can sometimes be reversed - a friend of mine had a child later in life with her husband who had a reversal. But it's not guaranteed to be successful, so you can't count on it. So if you are not sure, then wait a while, and use alternative contraception in the mean time. You might find you come to a decision later

3 is plenty. If you were millionaires you could afford more. The kids get more expensive as they grow. You are right in feeling done!

Children get more expensive and time consuming as they get older. I have three with the same age gaps as you and I think it’s harder finding the time for them (and it will be covering the university fees) than if they had been slightly more spread out.

The last thing three older boys will want to be stuck with in the holidays is soft play for a toddler or pre-schooler whilst in reverse the younger child won’t want to be stuck on the sidelines of football and rugby games etc.

Teenagers are 1) expensive 2) often a pain in the arse (ok they can be a delight too)

What if you tried for a 4th but had twins?!

I think when you still have the hormones swirling and are in the baby zone it's hard to imagine never doing it again, but give it some time and you get in the zone where you actually never want to do it again! (refer you again to comment above re teenagers 😆)

I understand your hesitation on a head vs. heart decision!

My three are 4, 2 and 7m and I know it would be practically, financially, career-ily sensible to stop there. But I have always wanted four and would still love one more. I’m older than you though so have less time on my side to mull it over. Maybe give it a bit more time before going ahead with the vasectomy? You may feel differently next year!

Could you use other forms of contraception for a year or two whilst your hormones settle and you decide once and for all if you’re going to try for another?

Vasectomy seems very final if you’re not 100% sure

You’ve had them all really close together/quickly and you’ve still got a fertile decade ahead of you so it makes sense that you’re doubting it, from an instinctual perspective.

I was done by 32, DH had vasectomy, but 7 year gap between oldest and youngest so long enough to think about it and see they’re not just magically easier as they get older - bigger kids bigger problems is a thing!

I know lots of women who kind of had a second batch of kids when the older 2 or 3 were past age 10 ish.

But I would personally vote to quit while you’re ahead and ride off into the sunset with your lovely band of boys. Start that adventure, rather than keeping yourself in the baby years!

My DH had a vasectomy at 31, 6 months after our third child. We were both very sure that we were done though (and that decision hasn’t changed 3 years down the line). For me 4 were never on the cards and although I adore my 3 and wouldn’t change them for the world; some days the chaos in my house is very overwhelming so I know my mental health wouldn’t cope with a fourth. If you have that niggle in the back of your mind I would use alternative contraception for a few years until you’re sure x

I think you should watch this thread @summermumma2021 ... www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5456968-to-feel-i-hate-my-3-teenage-sons?reply=149061925