Not Inviting BIL family for Xmas

[ImDelicious]

BIL and DH (no other siblings in their family) are not particularly close. We both have smallies similar age. They live 45 mins or so away and so we rarely see them really, he will txt to come over with the kids but it's always only when SIL is away and he's looking to amuse/distract kids for a few hours. Other than that we see them at bdays etc but they're quite draining to be around the, and they don't really police their kids, they seem to think when they're with family everyone else will take the lead on watching them. I don't particularly get on with SIL she's an odd character. They usually go to SIL parents for Xmas but this year they are not.

This year PIL are coming to us for Xmas and some of my family will be there too. Last week we were in their company for one of the kids bdays and Xmas came up. I think they expected to go to PIL this year but MIL quietly said she was coming to ours. SIL asked what time we have dinner at and stated they might call over afterwards. I was a bit taken aback at this and said we weren't sure yet, to which BIL stated that instead then maybe they'll call over Boxing Day. I just said oh we'll see but it probably wont suit and later told DH (who wasn't there for the conversation) that I don't want them over either day, they're too chaotic with the kids etc and I wouldn't be able to enjoy either day if they rock up. So he's going to make that clear to his brother next time he's talking to him.

In hindsight I think SIL was hoping we'd say oh just come for dinner too on Xmas day (and/or the next day). I feel a bit mean but they don't ever reciprocate the hospitality, and it feels so forced to get together just "because its Christmas" when we wouldn't really spend much time with them the rest of the year. DH's wider family are fairly close and I know there'll be comments about 'oh but what's a few more' etc etc but ugh I just don't want the hassle of them.

Why do people think they can just invite themselves and land over on Xmas? If we are hosting Xmas day I want to enjoy the day, not be irritated by them and their kids, and then have a nice slobby day the day after to recover. I love hosting but to people I've willingly invited and who I want to spend time with!

Just having a moan and would love to hear of other people who bat off cabin-hunting relatives to make me feel better for keeping a boundary!

Yeah, very presumptuous of them!
Also annoys me when people who usually do one thing for Christmas find themselves at a loose end and expect others to accommodate them or suddenly be available.

We used to have an open door the more the merrier policy, nobody in family, friends or next doors cousins cat would be on their own policy but people just took the piss. They came, ate made unreasonable demands for made up dietary restrictions then ate the normal portion instead (which I say in a house of weird and unusual dietary requirements and I’m happy to cater for anyone who actually has them) expected to be waited on hand and foot, DCs looked after and never EVER to be asked not to do anything or be asked to help.
Then a few years ago I had a life changing accident and not one person helped DH that year but expected the same level of service (nor did anyone else offer to host!). I swore that was the last year and it was. Now we are still getting attempted guilt trips and memory lane type pics from years gone by, I reply with photos of 4 pairs of feet in slippers and pjs in front of the tv and no sense of guilt whatsoever.

Whilst I think it's rude for them to invite themselves, I also think it's rude and unkind to arrange a family Christmas gathering excluding one small family unit. Christmas is about generosity and inclusivity. I can't imagine leaving a sibling and their family out.

I can’t abide by naughty children. Dh nephews were like this and we somehow never had them over Xmas. For 7/8 years we were away or they were or at my own family and it was wonderful. They were the type to pull at the Xmas tree, jump on the couches with shoes, screech and scream, just hyper constantly, etc.
They were just so awful to be around that even PIL were irritated by them. Every other child there managed to behave themselves except these 3.
I also wouldn’t have them around , they don’t bother any other time of the year so don’t be guilted into it just because it’s Xmas.

Wow that says it all doesn't it, I can't believe no one even if they didn't want to offer to host wouldn't at least offer to help your DH after getting such a welcome before. I never do things with the expectation of having it returned but you do get fed up making an effort when people consistently just take take take and never even offer anything in return!

You should reply to the memory pics..."those were the good oul days (for you 😉)" .... haha just kidding but how true it is actually. I think after having the madness of hosting you really appreciate a cosy quiet Xmas!

They didn’t invite themselves to Christmas dinner though, and you invited pils? I don’t know, it depends how your dh really feels- all of these I don’t want in laws over at Christmas threads, if dh went on like that and told me I couldn’t see nieces and nephews and my sister I wouldn’t be thrilled.

This is why I’m so glad it’s just us and our little family with no inlaws to worry about around Christmas. We will be unashamedly slobbing about without any guilt or worries… For the full three days.

I think many are in a similar situation, we have a family of 4 who have invited themselves for Christmas dinner plus overnight, haven't seen them in about 2/3 years, they normally go away but holidays too expensive this year so at a loose end and I know they're using us for a feed and entertainment but they're family and feel wrong saying no but if you feel you can't say yes to their visit then do so and don't feel guilty, or you can just agree to Christmas evening and that way it's just a few hours and you're not actually saying no to their visit.

They usually always go to her parents so I didn't even think they'd be around this year, and we made plans based on that. They are quite chaotic and unorganised at the best of times so it wasn't surprising that they changed their minds (relatively) late in the day. At even at that they hadn't said it to anyone until it came up in conversation as a sideline, which makes me think they just assumed they'd land in on his PIL or us.

So we didn't intentionally exclude them, and I have already invited some really close members of my family, who I want to enjoy the day and not be overran by them. Also my PIL do a lot for BIL and family, his mother particularly, to the point that if all the kids are together she ends up kinda looking after their kids, and my own kids don't get to spend much time with their grandparents attention as BIL kids monopolise them a bit if that makes sense? So I want her to have a peaceful day with no obligation.

I should note that we have hosted many a DH family dinner at home before, with BIL, SIL and kids at Xmas holidays and other times, just not Xmas or Boxing day itself.

I do feel a little unkind to not invite them now, but I'm thinking of the other people already invited and my own sanity on the day/s. Also the way they will happily come and eat and drink all round them when it's just not reciprocated kinda rankles with me.

Yes his PIL are lovely and I always want them to be spoiled and relax as they deserve it. DH isn't that close to his brother and doesn't really like SIL so he's pretty unbothered by it all and is happy for them not to come 🤷‍♀️ I'm the one overthinking 🙈

Thats it, the kids are nice kids but they've no structure or boundaries in their own house so are the same when they come to ours. Shoes all over couches, sticky chocolately hands rubbed all over fabric curtains cushions couches etc, while both their parents look on or just dont pay attention. I'm not particularly house proud but my kids know not to do that.

Their kids are out of nappies now but when they were at potty training stage they wouldn't be on top of them and there was multiple times puddles were left after one of them or I remember a poo smear on a wall once (yes really 🤮🤮). That's the level of parental supervision we're talking about so while not as bad now they're older, they're challenging in other ways.

I’d probably have them over but we are a household who takes in any waif and stray for Christmas dinner and often has random neighbours, distant cousins, the more dc the better etc and a full day of chaos making sure everyone enjoys themselves. Boxing Day is then for me to potter around in my pyjamas.

I agree with this.

You’re being rude and nasty to exclude them. It’s Christmas FFS.

No.

This is where poor parenting actually starts to hurt. If people don’t house-train their children others won’t want them in their homes - especially at Christmas. It’s not OP’s problem that they’ve dragged up unpleasant feral children…and don’t want to be left to deal with them themselves.

OP - don’t let any weak- minded people guilt you! Do what’s best for YOUR family.

Don't feel guilty Op, they sound like a nightmare. I would not invite them either. Tell them you're happy to go to theirs over the Xmas period if you must(27th!)

YANBU, ignore the "we invite everyone", "they're family ..." comments

& enjoy your Christmas as already planned 🎄