Am I too picky?

[PeriMumEndofHerTether]

No contact for this one.

I'm sat in my car after having a blood test. I just don't want to go home. I figure I can do some food shopping to justify my absence. Got a DD at home and DH who is self employed and works from home.

Met him 11 years ago and he lived with his mum having never lived alone except for uni shared house. He told me he did 50/50 housework with his mum at the start, but there were some signs early on that this was bs as he used to come stay at mine and not lift a finger until I asked him to wash up seeing as I cooked 100%.

Fast forward to us having a baby and him promising he would step up. But really, I've been kidding myself because he just does not see dirt, crumbs, splashes, mess. He takes 3 x as long to do the same task as it takes me. (I've timed him). He is undiagnosed dyspraxic and he blames this. His mum is the same, very slow doing chores. (But she is house proud).

The housework has been the number 1 reason for our arguments of late and it is me starting them. Poo stains in the toilet that he doesn't clean, limescale round the sinks and bath because he doesn't wipe up. Kitchen counters left with old food. Carpets don't get hoovered, bedding doesn't get changed. You get the picture. If I don't do these things, they don't get done unless I ask him to do it.

On top of that, I do all the DIY, gardening and car cleaning. He doesn't drive though is taking lessons. (I had to book them.) I even have to book his hair appointments and style his hair for him as his hair is so thick and plentiful, he looks like Worzel Gummidge without products in.

I also research everything for DD.

In his defence, he puts DD to bed every night, but he is inconsistent with routine and timings.

I brought up the 50/50 thing he told me at the start of our relationship and he said he didn't lie, he was deluded and didn't understand what mental load was. He thought doing what he was asked, was enough. The only job he has 100% responsibility for is bins. I have started doing bedtime for DD because he isn't consistent. He does also cook but trashes the kitchen.

If im ill he looks after me but i have double the work to do when I'm well as he prioritieses me and nothing else.

I'm peri and I lost both my parents this year. I also found out I am AuDHD and the process around getting a diagnosis was gruelling and caused me a lot of grieving as life has been very difficult. (Now I know why).

I desperately need routine and peace in my home at this point in my life. I see the mess around me and I get a twitch in my eye.

DH went to stay at his mums cat sitting for a week recently and my house was clean, tidy, I was going to bed early and my eye stopped twitching. Within 24 hours of him being back - back to chaos and mess. I just can't keep on top of it all and the mental load is killing me.

Am I being unreasonable with my house standards, with him being dyspraxic?

Am I not unreasonable in my requests?

Sounds like a second child. If life is easier when he is at his mums for a week, just tell him to move back there as youre better off without.

But if you've been with him for 11 years, surely you were well aware of what he was like before you had a baby? I mean, if he can't manage his own hair, what hope was there for him managing to bring up a child with stability and consistency?

It sounds as if you have incompatible needs, if he is dyspraxic and unusually helpless with managing his own life and the household, and you are newly diagnosed with AuDHD. You need routine and consistency, he's not able to manage it.

If he cant even do his hair… sorry but theres no hope. Why are you treating him like a child(

It would be cheaper to get a weekly cleaner who will deep clean than divorce. Would you consider that?

Both of my late teen/adult kids are severely dyspraxic and both keep up with cleaning and tidying absolutely fine. DS is particular is very neat and tidy.
You are sitting in a car thinking of reasons to not got home. That alone speaks volumes.

I'm constantly holding him account, he says he tries but he is really slow and he misses things out. I have known for years and he promises to do better. But he doesn't. As an audhd person, I take people at their word, it takes ages to see the lie.

Does he have lists to help himself keep up with tasks? My two do this for themselves and tick off when they are done. Does he actually make an effort?

No he doesn't have lists. But I leave notes pinned around the house to remind him. I asked him to follow mental load Facebook reels and he does. He doesn't get angry at all when I bring it up. He does seem to try, he says he can't work any faster. He doesn't tidy as he goes. That's part of the problem.

I think also because of peri, I've lost all my energy so I can't just do it with the same gusto as before. So being tired is adding to the situation. I'm on maximum HRT but still totally wiped by 2pm.

Do you still love him?

Agree he needs lists. You can help him to write it the first time and then all he has to do is keep checking the list. Your mental load is that you’re carrying those lists in your brain. He isn’t, so he needs to write it down.

It doesn’t sound like he is being deliberately difficult or lazy, more like intractably disorganised. He also sounds caring.
Dyspraxia is a real thing, I have a relative like this.

If you love him, my advice would be to get a cleaner (if you can afford it) for 2 or 3 hours a week who will get the basics covered. It makes a huge difference just knowing that the place will be properly cleaned every week, and the arguments and frustrations go away. Also, could you write down exactly what needs to be done and when, then give him the list so there’s no doubt.

If you feel the relationship has run its course then obviously that’s different.

I will talk to him about a list, thank you

Op my son is borderline dyspraxic (two referrals but in the end they said he was borderline but not. There is definitely times I ask him to do certain things and I can see him struggling to manage them but other than that - I mean these things have to be done!! I’ll admit sheets are my biggest guilt because he fumbles along with it but aside from that your dh can scrub a toilet or clean or put away.

My hubby has had 2 brain injuries, dyspraxia, ADHD and autism Nd is like this
He will do really well for a deadline- like he has a meeting with x at home. Otherwise he doesn't do a lot (he is a house husband). But we do lots of side by side cleaning and those kinds of things....
It's frustrating and I have lowered my standards....
No advice because nothing has worked for us- been married 6 years and together 7.5years- but I love him and although enjoy a tidy house if he isn't around I miss him loads

I guess it comes down to whether your dp isn't able to function in other areas of his life, like at work? Because of he is and it's just the housework and parenting he does on a substandard way, I wouldn't buy it for a second.

Ultimately, whether his chaos is caused by a disability or not, you aren't obligated to stay living together. So it depends what is good about the relationship that might balance against this issue?

Can we assume he's getting worse over the years? Surely you'd never have got together with him, had children with him, got married, bought a house, etc., if he'd been this bad from the outset?

I think you're only option is to try to do things to get him to take it more seriously, such as the excellent suggestion above of lists, or maybe post-it notes etc dotted around the house.

Whatever his disability, leaving the toilet dirty is simply not acceptable and not excusable. It's just sheer disgusting.

If I was you, I'd be starting to set some firm deadlines/targets for HIS tasks which he MUST do, starting with properly looking after himself and cleaning up after himself, but then moving on to household chores. If you don't start seeing any improvement, then I really think it's time to start planning to separate. You shouldn't have to act like his "mummy" or carer!

Have you considered the possibility that ‘maximum HRT’ (and before menopause, at that) isn't necessarily a brilliant idea?
If you still feel like death warmed up all the time, it sounds like it isn’t addressing whatever deficiency is at work here.

He should pay for a cleaner. And gardener and handy person.

If he's too dyspraxic to clean properly then he needs to put his hand in his wallet.

Or has he got an undiagnosed illness that prevents him paying for stuff too?

Your demands are not unreasonable however you may need to compromise and not let the time he takes to complete chores bother you. maybe chose a day where its his day to do the chores, and in that time take your child out for a few hours and let him get on with it.

Genuinely we are both quite anxious about strangers in our house. So a cleaner would be quite stressful for us both.

Perhaps the threat of a cleaner will give him the kick he needs?

Does he work ??

Why would you have a baby with him??? This makes zero sense this has been on ongoing issue for so many years

I get that it will make you anxious but I think you should challenge yourselves and get a cleaner. Use an agency so that you can be sure your standards are maintained.(Managing sloppy cleaners who start off well and then get lazy lose focus is a pain!) Once you learn to manage your anxiety you will be so relieved.
But if you are not going to do this, can you afford for him to be formally diagnosed and get some coaching/ongoing support? He would need both for it to be worthwhile and it needs to be very functionally focused. Our young adult son is dyspraxic but we have done masses of life skills/admin coaching with him and he is improving. He also works in hospitality which has been very good training for him, both in terms of practical skills and learning to advocate for himself for some reasonable adjustments. He is formally diagnosed so his employer can't ignore it.
Out of interest, what work does your husband do? I am going to guess that he absolutely loves it and so is able to hyperfocus because otherwise the organisational issues that accompany dyspraxia would likely manifest. Either that or he does have issues which result in low output and low income.
It's great that he is not defensive but such a shame it was not identified earlier. Both his mum and yourself have unwittingly enabled him to not address this. It will be hard work to change now so I think there has to a lot of love in the relationship for it to succeed - good luck.