Should I give up on having a second child? Odds seemed stacked..

[sunshinelollipops25]

Hi all
Very interested to hear lovely mumsnetters honest views here.
I have 1 DD (Age 6) from a previous relationship. She is my absolute joy, and becoming a mother was and is the best thing that ever happened to me. Got pregnant very easily and I always imagined I'd have more children, but life has not worked out that way so far. When my DD was 1 year old I discovered my EXDH had been having an affair, and so we separated and later divorced. I was only 34 at the time, so I focused on rebuilding mine and DD's life and hoped that maybe I'd meet someone later and we'd have more children.
Then, met my current partner when DD was 2.5. DD and DP developed a lovely bond and over time we settled into life as a blended family. DP and I we were keen to add to our family, so started trying 2 years ago.

And it's not happened.. I'm now 39. We've had a few fertility checks over the years and everything was OK - but starting IVF and found I have a "massive" c section niche, a polyp and my ovarian reserve is declining. It's not impossible, but it's not looking great. Lots of treatment needed to make it happen.
My question is - Do I keep chasing or let things be?
Reasons to let things be

• The expense and stress of IVF and medical intervention when the chances of success aren't great
• My DP, DD and I have genuinely built a really happy little 3 between us. My DP is genuinely happy with life the way it is and has expressed several times he'd be more than happy to leave things how they are. He loves DD, and we have that balance of family life 12/14 nights, with every other weekend off to enjoy life together as a couple.
• DD is under assessment for autism and ADHD. She is brilliant, but her needs are higher than an NT child and she has absolutely no desire whatsoever for a sibling! She very much enjoys the calm, stable life we have as a 3, with visits to her dad every other weekend where she actually has twin brothers! (dad's side)

Reasons to keep going

• Despite all this, I have that really physical desire to have a baby again.
• I would love to have a baby with my DP, who is by far the best relationship I've ever had, and it is a deep sadness that we haven't had that experience together.
• I've always wanted more children, love being a mother and feel I have more love to give...
• It's really now or never...

Keen to hear other's objective views....

It’s such a deeply personal decision that only you can make.

I experienced 3 miscarriages before my 3 DC were born, and nobody else’s opinion about whether or not I should stop trying would have made the blind bit of difference.

It’s tough. Objectively, considering the full circumstances, I think I’d forgo further IVF and keep the savings you have for it for if they’re needed for additional therapies or support for your DD when diagnosed. Your DH loves your DD and you are both happy and settled with the family dynamic. You are having the experience of raising a child together with a partner in a great relationship - just sans the early baby years. There are still plenty more to go.

If you do continue otherwise, I’d certainly take heed of DH’s statements of being more than happy to leave things as they are - or at least really carefully explore to what extent he does really want another child, or whether he’s just going through the motions for your sake: adding a baby he isn’t sure he wants is a quick road to the family you currently have failing.

You always risk blowing everything apart in your little perfect world if you try and succeed to have another child.

DD is under assessment for autism and ADHD. She is brilliant, but her needs are higher than an NT child and she has absolutely no desire whatsoever for a sibling!

What if this causes massive upset to your world, what if the child has further additional needs? What if your amazing relationship is blown apart by the additional stress?

Vs

What if I dont have another baby...

I think the pros and cons for both of them present an obvious answer. I think if you decide to stop, and make peace with that decision you'll be in a happier place.

Its not just a want, there biological influence (not just selfish), its worth you looking into that so you can justify that you accept the need is there, and youre choosing what's right for you (even if that is against the biological driver)

Give up

Your priority has to be your lovely little girl. Not making yourself unwell, attending countless medical appointments and putting yourself at risk for a sibling that she doesn't even want. Why blow her world apart? You are lucky that she has taken to her stepdad and has been relatively unaffected by her biological father's behaviour.

I genuinely appreciate these responses guys - they're tough to read but do really help me see the bigger picture. I guess it's about that "need" to have another child - I've hoped for more children basically since DD was a baby.. I remember thinking even then I couldn't wait to do it again. Always assumed I would. How do I quieten down that voice? Also makes me worry/feed sad I didn't appreciate and soak in the baby years as much - assuming I'd get to do it again!

Sorry to hear you are experiencing secondary infertility. Perhaps rather than giving up entirely or going down the IVF route to the detriment of your health, you could concentrate your efforts on maximising your fertility naturally and adopt an ‘if it happens it happens’ attitude? Your partner sounds lovely. Best of luck x

What on earth is life for if you don’t try to do the things that would bring you joy?

ADHD and autism is often hereditary, are you or your DDs dad diagnosed? If you are, then chances are that you will have another child with additional needs and it's impossible to say how severe they would be. My DD has ADHD and she was mostly fine during the younger years but it really became much more difficult to manage when she hit her teens, that is very common for girls with ADHD and autism I believe.

Solidarity, OP, I'm in a similarish boat - 38, unexplained secondary infertility, 2 years of trying, one very happy 4 year old who so far seems unconcerned about the idea of a sibling. We are doing IUI (in fact I conceived from our first round in September but had a MMC at 8 weeks) but we will not be proceeding to IVF if the remaining rounds we've paid for don't work. You have to decide for yourself where the line in the sand is and what you're prepared to sacrifice in time, money, energy etc to have a second. I've recently started seeing a therapist specialising in infertility and miscarriage after my loss and working through when to call it quits has been a big part of our discussions - perhaps something similar might be helpful for you?