I don’t know if I’m looking for negatives - partner when I’m unwell

[overthinking4321]

I’ve been seeing someone for a year and a half. We live a 2 hour drive apart.
for the last week, I’ve been really ill and so has DC.
we are in a relationship but I still class myself as a single mum because it’s just me and DC living together. But I’ll say ‘DP’ for the post.

DP offered to come to help out. I was really struggling looking after DC and the dog while I was back and forth to the loo. We both have a really awful flu/sickness bug.

DP was setting off. Asked me if I needed anything. I said antisickness tablets to help with nausea. DP arrived with a plant. No antisickness tabs telling me the shop didnt have them and I shouldn’t have them anyway and to just be sick if I need to.

DP did help by walking the dog when I asked. And cooked food although I could barely stomach anything.

DC had small bursts of energy where she wanted to play. Otherwise she’d fall asleep exhausted through the day. DP played with DC the first day. On the 2nd day She asked DP to play and the reply was ‘I’ve got no energy so I can’t’. I was so surprised by this considering DP had a full night sleep in the spare room while I was up all night with DC. I was shattered but I ended up playing with DC even though I felt horrendous.

DP did comment about hearing DC up crying and unwell in the night but didn’t want to disturb us. I actually wouldn’t have minded being disturbed because DC was being sick and I could have used the help.

Dp also made a comment to DC saying she was ‘sulking’ because she wanted to lie on the settee. I was lay on it. So DP said to DC ‘you can just stand there and sulk if you want’. So I said ‘no she wants to lie on the settee. She’s not well’. She also told DC off for something I thought was unnecessary.

there was a couple of other things that just made me wonder how much I can rely on DP really. At one point I went to the shop for food and cooked it. When DP got home I received a message saying “I really wanted to wait on you hand and foot for the couple of days I was there but I didn’t want to overstep’.

The text he sent you after was bollocks…. If he wanted to, he could have.
He could have got up in the night when hearing child crying and being sick. Checked whether bedding needed changing, cup of water needed etc.
He didn’t need you to ASK him to walk the dog… he didn’t think to!
He’s a boyfriend who hasn’t been overly nice to your child by the sounds of it.

He’s shown you who he is, thank goodness he’s only a boyfriend and you don’t live together etc.

I wonder if he pictured being your knight in shining armour, but forgot you had a child / child who was also unwell.
does he have children? It doesn’t sound like he’s ready for family life

I think YABU and you expected a lot from a long distance partner who isn’t your child’s parent.

Agree

I agree with this. Would you actually want him dealing with your DC when they were unwell anyway?

I think a long distance boyfriend of a year, driving 2 hours to care for you and a child that isn't his, is pretty good to be honest..

Did they do much caring? Or did they ‘want to but didn’t want to overstep’ so told off the sick dc instead?

Looked for sickness tablets on the way but the shop didn't have any, cooked food , walked the dog, and played with the child on the first day. Sounds pretty good to me.

Not that it matters hugely, but the only time that OP genders her DP is when she says "She also told DC off". Agree though that it doesn't sound like DP is ready for family life.

What good qualities does she have OP?

Given that she traveled to visit you I'd say she at least had good intentions and it does sound like having her there was easier than not but she didn't meet your expectations.

It does tell you something about the relationship. Not necessarily bad, just about abilities and boundaries I guess.

@ChristmasHug
she does have good qualities. She’s kind. I think I just felt frustrated (and this has happened many times before but felt amplified because I was so unwell) where she’ll let me do things and then say “I could have done that”. Which then frustrates me when she says “I wanted to wait on you hand and foot”. I’ve been so unwell and still am. And I feel like the other way around I’d be doing anything and saying to just rest.

whereas she’ll say to me “you need rest” but I suppose doesn’t provide the conditions to allow that, such as playing with DC so I can rest etc

she sounds a tad awkward
what is she like when you are all well, particularly to your dd?

I'll be honest, I initially read this and thought that DP was a man. Reading it with DP as a man, it seemed wild that you'd expect some bloke to step up to that degree when you're not even living together. I found it unusual that you'd rely on him like that and expect him to be so involved.

Then I saw that DP is a woman. I immediately wondered if you have these unusual expectations of your new partner because she is a woman. Would you expect a man to do all the things you expected of her? Or do you think she should know how to do this and want to do it because she is a woman?

She’s not your child’s parent so I wouldn’t expect her to act like it particularly if she doesn’t have kids herself. Did you ask her to do things? I’d have expected help with cooking/ cleaning rather than caring duties.

OP did say on the first post ‘she’ so I don’t know why people assumed DP is a male when it’s written in the post.
Maybe OP thought she would want to help because she offered to come stay and help, nothing to do with her being a woman.

Basic heteronormativity. It isn't a mystery. I just read it as a woman in a het relationship with a man. It was OP's 2nd post that highlighted to me that it was a woman.

I feel mixed on this- i don't think she would have been unreasonable to NOT come considering it's a semi long distance relationship and she's not your child's parent. But the fact that she actually offered but then gave such half- hearted help and did weird passive aggressive things like accuse your DC of sulking, and refused to play - all of that is a bit of a red flag for me. Maybe a pink flag.

My first thought was that DP is an inexperienced parent. She sounds a bit cold and aloof, particularly to your DD. I find her calculating (full of excuses and seemingly offers help when it’s too late) and controlling: (wouldn’t bring you anti-sickness tablets and told you not to take them). No one is that inconsiderate of someone they care for.

She doesn't want to be a step parent, she also talks a good game. But missed the mark on giving you what you needed. She may not be a natural carer, or want to be a full time parent, it's up to you what you want in a girlfriend. She isn't your partner.