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AIBU?

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Original poster

WIBU to tell DH to F off. Comments on weight

26 replies

HappyShaker · 01/12/2025 20:27

When DH met me I was size 16, in my 20s and unhealthy eating habits/poor mental health.

We started dating, he told me he loved me early on, fell for him, etc (this was 15 years ago). During this early period, I wore jeans to a cinema date and he looked disgusted & said it was because how overweight I looked in my jeans. Looking back, I wished I'd had the balls to dump him them tbh.

We got engaged, married & I got pregnant. My weight reaching up to size 18. Of course there were comments and looks over the years. I decided I wanted to be an active Mum and did Slimming World which helped and then basically after plating on that, starved myself down to underweight. I was in poor mental health and had just left a shit job.

He was happy, but then would constantly check with his hand on my thigh, looks as weight came back on. Six years since I was underweight I'm now size 12-14. I know I've gained weight and feel a bit shit, and that will motivate me to lose it.

I've since has my autism/ADHD diagnosis, I was in a car crash last year and work has been bonkers on top of parenting, etc. But at the end of the day, I've also gotten to a happier place mentally. I've worked hard to earn as much as he does so we can have a nice house, holidays etc, I support him when he's away for weeks on research trips, his exams etc.

He wants me to go to the gym, he wants the big hot meals in the evening (I don't). He has constant cake and crisps in the house. He has done bare minimum to learn about my autism and support in a way I would do for him.

When he said he didn't want to have sex because I looked fat, something inside me snapped and I told him to fuck off. I said I could lose weight but his shitty mindset would be harder to lose and I felt sorry for him. I was overweight when he met me - why stay with me all this time but he's always wanted me thinner or calmer or just basically not me. Other men were/have been interested. Why waste 15 years of my/his life when he wants me to look and be someone different? Why did I let him? He doesn't give a shit about things that matter to me e.g. writing a book in my free time.

Sorry for the rant, I'm so cross with myself. I want to lose some weight but not for this arsehole. The worst is I have to translate what his facial expressions mean so I have to Miss Marple it out of him and read his mind by suggesting reasons he is cross (yeah, I hear that). If I'd been skinny when we met, maybe it would be one thing? But I've never pretended to be anything other than I am and just feel rejected again. I just want a nice, quiet life with someone who loves me and doesn't make me feel shit.

OP posts:
WhatASweatyBetty · 01/12/2025 20:32

The only weight you need to lose is him, he’s a dead weight and sounds like a piece of shit. Get rid as soon as you can. I’m sorry you have wasted 15 years on him. Don’t waste any more precious time.

OtterlyMad · 01/12/2025 20:33

YABU if you stay with this pathetic excuse for a man. No one deserves to be treated like that.

Maryjanefame · 01/12/2025 20:33

Wow. My jaw has hit the floor at how vile your h is. Does he have the body of an athlete? Either way, dump his ass and skip down the road and never look back. Your life is about to improve so dramatically once you’ve ditched this loser

Eenameenadeeka · 01/12/2025 20:34

He sounds awful, I'm sorry he's treating you that way.

Goldongold · 01/12/2025 20:35

Please don’t waste another minute of your life on this person who doesn’t like you. I promise you won’t be less happy being single!

ThatJollyGreySquid · 01/12/2025 20:35

Hmmm, I am a size 12-14 and never get any criticism about my weight.
He sounds horrible and you don’t deserve to be spoken to like that.

Sabrinatheblue · 01/12/2025 20:36

Please look at ways to end it with him, he sounds absolutely horrendous.

Heronwatcher · 01/12/2025 20:38

YANBU he sounds awful. The minute my other half spoke to me like that he’d be out.

If he is deep down a nice person at the very least he needs to commit to some individual counselling to work out why he thinks it’s acceptable to be such a bastard to his wife. But honestly I’d be suggesting a trial separation as of now. And I’d be sleeping in a separate room at the very least and he can make his own food/ do his own washing etc.

Original poster
HappyShaker · 01/12/2025 20:38

ThatJollyGreySquid · 01/12/2025 20:35

Hmmm, I am a size 12-14 and never get any criticism about my weight.
He sounds horrible and you don’t deserve to be spoken to like that.

I think I just don't carry my weight well, especially on my face. The whole situation from him pisses me off.

OP posts:
notacooldad · 01/12/2025 20:41

What an absolute fuckwit. You dont deserve this, nobody does.

I was a size 10 when I met Dh 35 years ago. 2 years ago I was 18, im now 16 and still working on my weight.
Dh has never said one negative word to me. He is affectionate funny and encourages my fitness regime without imposing it upon me. This is what partners are supposed to do,not drag you down.
Only you can decide what to do and I wont offer any suggestions but I hope you have a happy future.

Original poster
HappyShaker · 01/12/2025 20:42

I think it switched in me this evening that I would be a lot happier without him. I would be able to afford to buy a smaller place for me and DD in the new year with the sale of this house. I feel sad as there's been lots of good times and he can be really lovely, but things are starting to dawn on me and I need to stop ignoring them for a 'peaceful' life.

OP posts:
Shizzlestix · 01/12/2025 20:42

Sounds like he’s overweight if he’s always got cake/crisps in. Is this what you mean by him not helping you? Do you eat them too? Does he work off the cake/crisps in the gym?

It’s very poor that he’s not supported you re the autism, but I have to say that if my dh had ever brought up my excess weight in a derogatory manner, I’d have probably done the opposite of what he wanted. I don’t think he sounds like very nice person.

SoManyDandelions · 01/12/2025 20:43

He sounds really unkind. Surely treating your partner with kindness is literally the bare minimum in a relationship? You deserve better than this horrible man.

How old are your DC? Does he comment on their weight too?

Heronwatcher · 01/12/2025 20:43

HappyShaker · 01/12/2025 20:38

I think I just don't carry my weight well, especially on my face. The whole situation from him pisses me off.

Show quote history

I bet you look absolutely great. How does he look- is he genuinely gorgeous? Even if he is it’s no excuse but IME men who behave like this tend to be miserable insecure bastards with a pot belly, receding hairline and bad clothes.

Truth is only very insecure people feel the need to put others down, deep down he knows he has done quite well and wants to destroy your confidence so you don’t leave him. Don’t let his nasty little game work.

Thepeopleversuswork · 01/12/2025 20:43

He’s an arsehole. But you know this already.

You’ve taken the first step in acknowledging that you are married to an arsehole.

How old are your kids? It sounds as if you don’t need him financially, which is good. I think you know what you need to do. Just make a plan.

Original poster
HappyShaker · 01/12/2025 20:46

Shizzlestix · 01/12/2025 20:42

Sounds like he’s overweight if he’s always got cake/crisps in. Is this what you mean by him not helping you? Do you eat them too? Does he work off the cake/crisps in the gym?

It’s very poor that he’s not supported you re the autism, but I have to say that if my dh had ever brought up my excess weight in a derogatory manner, I’d have probably done the opposite of what he wanted. I don’t think he sounds like very nice person.

No, he's lucky and has 2-3 snacks alongside sizeable meals and no weight gain. His Dad had Type 1 Diabetes and was naturally skinny, as is his mother. Me and my Mum can't eat a packet of crisps without gaining weight (I am over exaggerating slightly), and I can see my daughter has a similar composition. I do snack too much, I own that and will change it for me, but this is a systemic issue with him making me feel lower than a piece of shit and not good enough for him. Like you said, it's demotivates me, he makes me feel lower about myself. Food was a comfort to me in an abusive upbringing so still in my late 30s trying to break that relationship but he just makes me feel rejected.

OP posts:
arcticpandas · 01/12/2025 20:48

I suppose your DH is George Clooney or Brad Pitt @HappyShaker for him to voice his opinions like that? He's just trying to get you down. Ltb

arcticpandas · 01/12/2025 20:48

I suppose your DH is George Clooney or Brad Pitt @HappyShaker for him to voice his opinions like that? He's just trying to get you down. Ltb

Original poster
HappyShaker · 01/12/2025 20:49

Heronwatcher · 01/12/2025 20:43

I bet you look absolutely great. How does he look- is he genuinely gorgeous? Even if he is it’s no excuse but IME men who behave like this tend to be miserable insecure bastards with a pot belly, receding hairline and bad clothes.

Truth is only very insecure people feel the need to put others down, deep down he knows he has done quite well and wants to destroy your confidence so you don’t leave him. Don’t let his nasty little game work.

Show quote history

I think he has body issues himself - have often caught him Googling muscular men and I think he compares himself. Have tried to broach it and he shuts down.

His Dad died of suicide following depression so I know how dangerous it is that he doesn't talk about his feelings, but at the same time I don't think he did enough to support and help his Dad either. I think he thought if he ignored it, it would go away.

OP posts:
reversingdumptruckwithnotyreson · 01/12/2025 21:09

My ex made me miserable about my weight (even though I was thin, I think it was just a way to get into my head and make me feel unlovable) and I just know I could never be with someone like that ever again.
I have aunts under a lot of pressure to stay thin even into their 60s, it’s actually crazy to me now to see how we let ourselves be dictated by men’s borderline insane expectations.

My current partner met me when I was a size 12/14, I’m now a 16/18 (I know I need to do something about it) and he’s never once mentioned it. It’s difficult for me to diet because he hates eating alone and wants to share everything, but a 6’4 man and a 5’2 woman have very different dietary needs. He struggles to put any weight on, I’m pretty I gain a pound if I look at a donut. On the bright side, the sex is bomb and he’s the one person that makes me feel like I look amazing.

You sound lovely, accomplished and driven. Dump this loser and get with someone who finds you attractive.

Franklyannoyed · 01/12/2025 21:18

That’s awful and so unacceptable, you’re a person not some appendage to him and a sex doll. How utterly shallow of him. I think it’s either leave him if you can’t see this resolving or sit him down and talk to him. However if he doesn’t want to have sex with you as you’re a 12 -14 and slimmer than when you met, this is just a way to put you down, it’s not about your weight.

SwordToFlamethrower · 01/12/2025 21:24

You've had a baby! Why are women constantly held to this impossible standard! What a horrible man. I bet he is awful in other areas of your life too.

SunMoonandChocolate · 01/12/2025 21:30

Do NOT let him carry on treating you this way OP! When you said to him 'I could lose weight but his shitty mindset would be harder to lose and I felt sorry for him' you were completely right.

He DOES NOT DESERVE YOU! He is an unkind piece of shit, and I would bet my bottom dollar that if you had an accident or got cancer, that he is the sort of arsehole who would walk away.

Please gather up your courage, and get rid of him, you don't NEED him. Tell him he can sleep in the spare room, or on the sofa, but he'll never be having sex with you again, because while he may THINK you're fat, you KNOW that he's an arsehole!

Nearly50omg · 01/12/2025 21:37

HappyShaker · 01/12/2025 20:46

No, he's lucky and has 2-3 snacks alongside sizeable meals and no weight gain. His Dad had Type 1 Diabetes and was naturally skinny, as is his mother. Me and my Mum can't eat a packet of crisps without gaining weight (I am over exaggerating slightly), and I can see my daughter has a similar composition. I do snack too much, I own that and will change it for me, but this is a systemic issue with him making me feel lower than a piece of shit and not good enough for him. Like you said, it's demotivates me, he makes me feel lower about myself. Food was a comfort to me in an abusive upbringing so still in my late 30s trying to break that relationship but he just makes me feel rejected.

Show quote history

What effect is this going to have on your daughter being around a “man” who undermines and puts down her mum and about her weight too? She will end up with a very unhealthy relationship with food and her body image if you don’t take a stand NOW and tell him to go and have Xmas with his relatives and that you want him out now

SconehengeRevenge · 01/12/2025 21:48

Gosh, but I'd like to give you a hug, @HappyShaker

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