To think some women truly deserve better but what they subject themselves to is just emotional self-flagellation?

[TheTaupeMoose]

I know people don’t always have easy choices. I know conditioning runs deep. But sometimes I see women staying in relationships with selfish, emotionally neglectful or openly disrespectful men and I can’t help but think “you deserve better, why are you putting yourself through this?”

It goes beyond just “not knowing your worth.” It starts to look like self-punishment. Bending over backwards for a man who wouldn’t lift a finger. Accepting crumbs and calling it love. Carrying the entire mental and emotional loud and still apologising. Some of it is cultural, some survival-based but some of it just looks like choosing pain over peace, again and again.

AIBU to think it’s not always the man, sometimes the real issue is what a woman is willing to accept and internalise?

It's called abuse. They have been abused, if it looks awful in public it is horrendous at home. Be glad you have never had to experience this... But yes, blame the woman.

Lots of women know they deserve better but can't afford to leave.

Your post reeks of ‘why don’t they just leave’ attitude.

as @Iamhauntedbyhumans says - it’s abuse. you are very lucky not to understand. But plenty of women here will be able to tell you.

how easy would you find it to walk away from your entire life right now if your partner suddenly decided to act just slightly dismissive of you? When would you walk away ?

The men have groomed them gradually to accept it - the "boiling a frog" scenario.

They may also wait until the woman is tied in and committed in some way - marriage/pregnancy/financial dependence - to reveal their true colours.

Plus I have noticed that, surprisingly often, the women I've met who are putting up with shitty male partners also had fathers who were shitty to them and never let them feel that they were good enough. Obviously this is only anecdotal. But several times, I've met a woman and thought, "why does she put up with him?" and then met her dad and thought, "Oh, that's why." Some people are groomed practically from birth to accept bad treatment.

Exactly this, @Valentando

Edit: And not necessarily abusive fathers/caregivers. Emotional neglect from a parent who loves you but doesn't have the ability to meet your needs as a child, which could be fir a number of reasons, trains you to expect and accept less.

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