AIBU to change the Christmas plans with my mother?

[pontipinemum]

I don’t know what to do about Christmas this year. I’m an only child and my mother normally stays with us for a few days over Christmas. I want to wake up with my husband and kids on Christmas morning without the stress of her presence hanging over me.

To try avoiding drip feeding:

Hisory
My mother wasn’t around for most of my childhood. I lived with my grandparents from 6 weeks old and only saw her a few times a year. At 12 I moved in with her and my stepdad, and my teenage years were awful: constant drinking in the house, a lot of control and manipulation, and various forms of abuse behind closed doors. On the outside everything looked normal.

Boundaries
Fast forward to now: I don’t drink, I have two young children, and I’ve spent the last year in counselling. My mother still drinks heavily and has serious alcohol-related health problems.

Two weeks ago I drove nearly 350km after work to speak to her face-to-face. I told her she’s free to make her own choices, but while she’s drinking I can’t be part of her life. Not an ultimatum — just a boundary for my own wellbeing. She promised the sun, moon and stars.

The lies
She caught herself out in lies - on the phone a few days after she was clearly drunk, I reminder her of my new boundary - she said she was off to get her script to help with stopping alcohol - told her the pharmacy was closed. More crap out of her so I hung up. Next day she apologised for missing my call because 'she was so tired after taking her new pills'. I reminder her we actually had spoken on the phone and I knew she didn't have the tablets. She replied apologising 'won't happen again'. I didn't reply. I haven’t heard from her in eight days now.

It's over a 2 hr drive from her house to mine and because of her health issues it often takes for 3.5hrs. But I don't want her here over night, and I really don't want her to be here when we wake up Christmas morning.

AIBU to only invite her for Christmas day?

YABU - she is still your mother, let her come up for longer that drive will be too much
YANBU - you made a boundary. Woman up and live with how dreadful it is making you feel!!

I get that it is a disease and that she is in an awful loop but IDK she is also a pretty selfish and self centred person. And I know she is 'sulking' now

As someone who had a family member similar to your mother, take it from me and go no or low contact. It’s the only way you will ever be happy. You are not responsible for your mother.

Break the pattern and set those boundaries firm. Who would you be doing this for? you knwo she wont appreciate it if she does come and will ruin your families day. NOT inviting her wont change your relationship with her at all. She has made here bed and is chosing alcohol - dont engage

Does she have to come at all? Does she have a partner? She has made her bed and now has to make do with lying in it!

You are being more than reasonable just inviting her for Christmas Day. To be honest, you would be absolutely reasonable to not invite her at all. I get that addiction is a disease but It's impossible to maintain a decent relationship with someone who is the the midst of it. Self preservation becomes key. I have recently ended a 40 year friendship with my best friend as she is an alcoholic and I just couldn't cope with all that entails anymore.

Do not be guilt tripped into her staying longer than you want, or even coming over at all. She choses alcohol over her family and you are more than entitled to chose inner peace and your family over her. If you mean that much to her she will try and give up the booze rather than carry on going round that self destructive awful merry go round. Pick you...... not her.

OP, you owe her absolutely nothing. If I were you, I wouldn’t even invite her Christmas Day. I think you’re very generous.

No she doesn't have a partner. I am her only child. She would most likely spend it alone. Although possibly a relative would invite her. Most of our close relatives now know what she is like. But many still think that she is a great person because her ability to manipulate is outstanding.

@lovemelongtime I'm not sure who I would be doing it for. Our relationship is very complicated and not at all healthy.

@DesperatelySeekingHelp I think I will go very very low contact for now.

Please, protect yourself, and your family.

As you said, your mother is free to make her own choices and act upon them. She is. She is choosing to drink to excess, and lie about it. You are free to make your choices and act upon them. You are more than entitled to choose to keep your home, your family and your Christmas free of your mother continuing to abuse alcohol, and your hospitality, free from the past trauma, and ongoing trauma, of dealing with her. You don't owe her yet another drunken bloody Christmas.

No mum on Christmas day.

She will get drunk and spoil it.

She fucked up parenting you and you sound like you're doing a fantastic job with your own kids despite her. Keep it up and keep her away from them.

@pontipinemum if these relatives think she’s so great, let them host her.
Dont sacrifice a Christmas Day with your kids to placate her. Honestly she will ruin it. Dont subject your kids to her drunken behaviour.

TBF she won't get drunk on Christmas day, there is no alcohol allowed in my house.

She will arrive ratting and shaking though. Then when she gets home go on a binge for a few days.

She misses a lot of work but she has them all convinced she has proper medical issues. She is a sick woman but if she put down the bottle 90% of that would vanish.

My counsellor said most people are shaped and formed by their childhood. I am who I am despite my childhood!

She sounds awful OP, don't invite her at all, and enjoy your Christmas with
your lovely family, don't let her ruin it.

You certainly shouldn't feel guilty, it's all her doing.

@Izzywizzy85 most of her siblings now know what she is like. Not just that I am exaggerating/ making things up. I would have told them what was going on when I moved in with her as a teenager but no one believed me. Now that they have lived through parts of it they do. Some further out relatives don't know

Neither option. My proposal is don’t invite her at all.You said while she’s drinking you can’t be part of her life. Well, she’s drinking.
It is an illness yes but you have a right to live free of it. She put herself and her needs ahead of your childhood. Prioritise yourself now.

It is the chinese year of the snake, shedding what doesn't serve us or what causes you harm. Take advantage and make new traditions without her.

You really are, and you should be bloody proud of yourself 💐

Thanks everyone.

It's the guilt, and that is something I am working through with my counsellor. She is amazing and I wish I had been ready/ open to that years ago. But I am ready and open for it now.

I carry a huge amount of guilt and shame about my childhood - for even existing. But that isn't mine to carry.

I don't have a perfect life - who does. I could be thinner, richer, bigger house, better organised, fitter all those things. But what I do have is contentment and while that doesn't sound exciting it feels like an amazing thing to have found.

I will just have to wait and see if she makes contact. I am sure she will. And she will think buying something for my children will fix it

Your kids deserve to have memories of happy family Christmases.. give them that, this and every year from now on.
Your mother has made her bed, let her lie in it.

Honestly, so what if she spends Christmas Day alone? Lots of people who are much nicer than your mother spend Christmas Day on their own. She gave you to your grandparents from birth to 12 years old and then moved you into an abusive situation with a drunken mother and step-father. You owe her less than nothing.

The fact that you still consider her feelings makes you a lovely person but you need to protect yourself and cut her off. She is toxic in every way and you deserve so much better.

Against all the odds considering your childhood, you have created a loving home with your husband and children. Don't let her spoil it.

I wouldnt invite her at all.

She can come for Xmas lunch if that's what you want but no staying ... Stick to your boundaries

I think you need to set boundaries in stone this year. Just you and your family for xmas and maybe invite her 27th for a night. Let someone else take care of her if they think she is so wonderful. Unfortunately she will not change and these are the magic years for your kids, do not let their christmas be ruined by her. Show them what happy family christmas is like.

Honestly OP why are you inflicting her on your children? Don't they deserve to have a Xmas without her suffering withdrawal around them? Doesn't your husband? Don't you?

You are worth more than that.

Why are you doing this? She don’t give a shit about your childhood so why do you let her ruin yours now and your kids christmases….

I agree OP, who are you doing this for? Just because it's Christmas, it doesn't mean you and your family need to endure toxic behaviour.

You've said she would prefer to be alone, so leave her alone. Christmas is ONE day, it certainly isn't worth the stress and anxiety it will cause you all. You and your children deserve a Christmas free from someone suffering from alcohol withdrawal. Your children deserve a happy Christmas (as do you). I can't see what good can possibly come from inviting her.

You've said yourself, your mum was absent from your childhood and gave you a traumatic teenage years. You don't owe her anything let alone a Christmas day.

She will assume she is coming. She's not waiting for an invitation.

Uninvite her now. Write to her or call her and tell her that you've considered your recent contact and decided that you don't want her to visit this Christmas at all. Not on Christmas Day, not on Boxing Day, AT ALL.
You're letting her know now so that she can make alternative arrangements in good time. She is free to tell others you are away or heading to your in-laws but that you won't be changing your mind.

You will be doing the right thing. Allowing yourself to be repeatedly talked around does not convey the gravity of the situation. She is a lifelong alcoholic and will not change unless she wants to. The only slim chance that will happen is if she misses you and her grandchildren enough.