How to keep a relationship going when you have little in common?

[Lilak]

DP and I are in a rut. We’ve been together six years and have a toddler and my SC, so a lot of our conversations are about them or logistics. But it’s increasingly apparent that we have little in common. We love each other but is that enough?

We had complementary work (as I said, both have changed jobs since) so had a lot to talk about with that. I feel like we both probably respect each other’s current jobs less than we did the previous ones, but both now have more job satisfaction.

Together, we have a good lifestyle which we both wanted and have similar values on, and both find building assets important - but when spending, he prefers spending on material showy things and I prefer shoestring travel/experiences (which wasn’t possible in Covid times). We largely agree on how to raise children.

We both enjoy watching a specific sport, but rarely get to do so together now we have our toddler. I used to like horror films but since being pregnant I don’t! And we used to have more sex too.

I’m sorry you’re in the same boat. It’s the same for us, we are effective coparents but it doesn’t feel romantic at all.

It sounds bad but I can see how affairs happen. I’m not saying I would or he would, but this feels emotionally empty… It’s not bad enough to upend the kids’ lives for, but it’s missing something.

You still haven’t mentioned any specific qualities of his that drew you to him?

Stopping drinking can definitely do this to a relationship, it's crazy how many relationships are held together by booze.
Try and find common grounds and meet new people I suppose. E.g. a museum tour or talk if wandering around alone is too lonely. An evening class where you can meet likeminded people.

There must be something you both like, maybe something new to you both.

I think a little time apart can be healthy though.My DD and her DH go away for a W/E quite often with friends/Other family members .Come back refreshed only married a few years .Routine is part of life and DC as well. Maybe see if he would like lunch out? An evening to the Cinema.Maybe a different type of movie ."Knives out" is coming. or a grown up comedy. W/E away are expensive and take a bit of prep.My own DH likes Horror/teenage films. I have never watched one .Like you I prefer a museum or Art Gallery .But he enjoys a museum visit occasionally.And will watch a "Bridget Jones " type of film .(In exchange for Sky Sports /All the big Arsenal games!Compromise is the name of the game.

I didn't say you should fake an interest in what doesn't stick, but not going on a weekend mini break with your spouse if pretty off. The museum would take 2-3 hours, and then they can do something he'd like to do in the city.

I have visited lots of places with my DH that I wouldn't have chosen – historical sites, etc. I've watched films that I wouldn't have chosen. He's come to gigs with me to see bands he isn't much into. We take turns picking TV series. We just like to spend time together and don't mind doing stuff that isn't necessarily up our streets – being with each other is what's most important and enjoyable.

Give it time. Yoube got a toddler - its exhausting and you do come out the other side. I think it sounds like you've got excellent foundations but youve gone through a number of major life changes and still not at eachothers throats like most couples who've started afresh in a new place with a toddler and complexities sc can bring. My advice is to keep heart mind and communication open

My dh and I have separate interests. I like how we are together but also our own person. I think you need to have a discussion about what you could do together that you both like and book it in the diary, same with sex - book it in. While it would be great if he took the initiative you need to be the driving force if you want things to change.

It does seem life’s taken you in different directions but maybe with a bit of creative compromise you might find things you can genuinely enjoy together.

Maybe you could time the city break for when there’s a sporting event on that he would enjoy while you are at the gallery and agree to spend the rest of the time together.

Do you think he might be persuaded to take more interest in cooking if you collaborated on cooking homemade take away dishes?

Those are just off the top of my head and my not suit, but I hope you get my drift. If you think that might work, even a light conversation where you could both come up with ideas might be a start in the right direction.

I’ve been married to my husband for 36 yrs and we don’t have much in common aside from 2 adult children and the fact that we love each other . The only difference to you @Lilak is that mine would be happy to join in with my hobbies or at least he did at the start when I still had all my horses . What is the sport and why isn’t it possible to go with a toddler ?

My hubby and I dont have much in common, he works a hard labouring job and runs a job site, he likes motorbikes and cars, loves using his hands and building things, he isnt an animal lover. I am a stay at home mum and surrounded in children and animals, I hang out daily with the horses we have on agistment, I go out to eat and spend most of my day either with the animals at home, doing housework or hanging with the kids, i go out with the kids and most my day revolves around kids. Yet we can spend hrs on the phone while he is working and im at home. We talk about what we are doing, what we have done, what we need to do, the plans for the afternoon, we talk about our conversations we had with other people, we talk about the kids, we always talk about our future and what we want that to look like. We talk about the plans of renovating and whats next, we talk about finances and plans moving forward. When he comes home from work we dont have a lot of time to chat as it's usually dinner time and its crazy as we still have 8 children living at home, mostly teens or pre teens but we also have 2 toddlers so the house is noisy and we usually give our attention to the kids or doing afternoon extra curricular activities but at bed time when everyone is in bed we ask how our day was and usually hubby will put a movie on his phone and I read and we just enjoy each other's company in silence. We usually might touch one anothers arms or hands, but we just enjoy each other's presence after a long day. But it works because we engage with each other's hobbies and take interest and we talk about it. He needs to take interest and want to spend time with each other doing what you both love or taking it in turns to enjoy each other's hobbies. Or even find something you both love to do together then make it a conversation.

I think there's a big difference between "wouldn't have chosen" and "not my thing at all". Yes, definitely healthy to go along with things that wouldn't be your first choice, but you still get some enjoyment from. No point in enduring something you actively hate just for the sake of being with your partner though.

DP is into procedurals and action films; I'm more into arthouse and horror. I'll watch a decent detective procedural with him but any shoot-em-up action film is my cue to leave the room. Not interested.

It seems like the OP's problem is that almost all their interests fall into the second category.

Given that this specific sport is the only thing you've mentioned where your interests actually intersect, I'd say making time to watch it together should be a top priority.

Agree with this. My dh and I both love the Tour de France and sit down to watch the highlights with wine and cheese when it's on. Can you make time for this sport op?

There's nothing in OP's posts that suggests he 'actively hates' the things she is into or that she 'actively hates' the things he is into. What a big exaggeration.

And no where did I suggest doing things the other 'actively hates'. I said 'doing things you wouldn't ordinarily do' while kids are young and time is short to prioritise time together.

Left field idea - assuming he's a good egg, read some of the relationships threads on here about horrendous men, then tell him how much you appreciate him. Are you still having sex? They say that's helpful to feel connected.

Why don't you take it in turns to arrange a new experience that could lead to a shared hobby. Pub quiz, badminton, orienteering, board games, etc.
Don't get too hung up on the cultural weekend away. Lots of couples wouldn't do this together. And travelling alone can be surprisingly liberating.