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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws are coming over - house is in a state

26 replies

Whatinthedoopla · 01/12/2025 06:02

I took the kids out for 6 hours yesterday so that my partner could have some alone time, and also help clean the house.

I arrived home yesterday to see the house still looking a state, toys on the floor, dishes not cleaned etc. I asked him what he did, and he said he put the clean dishes away, put boxes in the room, did some clothes washes, and the beds.

AIBU to just leave the house how it is for them to see?

I had to make dinner immediately when I got home (had to wash the dishes I was going to use for cooking) and put the Christmas decorations up, so there was no time for cleaning.

The only time I have today is on my lunch break to do some cleaning, but should I even bother?

His parents love to blame me when the house isn't cleaned.

OP posts:
Sartre · 01/12/2025 06:04

Of course YANBU. If they ask about the mess, I’d explain that you were out all day and DH was supposed to tidy, what you see is his version of tidy.

RacingAcrossTheSofa · 01/12/2025 06:07

Sod it, leave it.

When they arrive say “sorry about the mess, DH is in charge of cleaning this week.” Won’t stop them blaming you of course, but ignore them.

JoshLymanSwagger · 01/12/2025 06:07

YANBU. Just remember that he did the "cleaning" and that they must have done a crap job of training him, or have pretty low standards themselves.
If they have a go at you, maybe remind them of this!

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 01/12/2025 06:17

It’s normal and expected when you have young kids. Mine are teenagers now. I saw a video one of my kids had taken on an old camera. My 3 year old had filmed me cooking and when she panned around the house it was carnage! Toys everywhere, clothes drying all over, a den set up in the lounge for the kids. It made me laugh that I lived in the centre of that wonderful storm.

Let them come as you are. It doesn’t matter.

Easterchicken · 01/12/2025 13:08

Just uninvite them or go to a hotel by yourself

If they are that arsed by the mess point them to the hoover

ToKittyornottoKitty · 01/12/2025 13:15

I’d leave the cleaning for him to do, but not ‘for them to see’, messy house reflects on both of you even if he is the arsehole, and you said they’d blame you anyway, so there’s no advantage to leaving it for them to see. But they are coming to your home and are family so who cares if it’s messy really.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 01/12/2025 13:16

Easterchicken · 01/12/2025 13:08

Just uninvite them or go to a hotel by yourself

If they are that arsed by the mess point them to the hoover

Why to a hotel? Just got the evening or until he cleans it?

arethereanyleftatall · 01/12/2025 13:23

Not only are you not being unreasonable but you MUSNT do it! It’s his parents, his turn. And if they dare blame you, you can say loudly that you don’t disagree it’s a mess, Bob was supposed to do it yesterday.

also, why did you cook if he was off all day?

gannett · 01/12/2025 13:25

AIBU to just leave the house how it is for them to see?

Nope. Just leave it.

His parents love to blame me when the house isn't cleaned.

Then they are ridiculous people whose opinion is worth precisely nothing. If their blame takes the form of insinuations, ignore it completely. If they're rude enough to say someting outright, tell them it's his job. Do not explain or apologise. When they're gone tell him you won't be spoken to like that again, and reduce your contact with them.

Abracadabrador · 01/12/2025 13:29

His parents love to blame me when the house isn't cleaned.

They sound like right weirdos. Misogynists, thinking it's a woman's job to perform household drudgery instead of their lazy offspring.
How do they blame you, do they actually voice this?
^^

MyBrightPeer · 01/12/2025 13:34

Say “Unfortunately today is not a good time as your son was due to clean the house and wasn’t capable of doing that.”

luckylavender · 01/12/2025 13:37

I can see fault on both sides here though. You could have both done things if you hadn’t taken the children out for 6 hours. You didn’t have to put the Christmas decorations up last night. I wouldn’t put them up anyway if the house wasn’t clean. All of this is a shared responsibility.

Elsvieta · 01/12/2025 13:42

"Haha, you'll have to talk to Dave about that, he was on cleaning duty this week". Put your feet up.

user1492809438 · 01/12/2025 13:44

Make it very clear to your MIL that you regard him as very poorly trained.

TheoriginalMrsDarcy · 01/12/2025 13:46

My standard response is.... if you dont like my house as it is, dont come visit.

I work long hours, have child to look after, hairy pets that shed a lot and a husband who is rubbish at cleaning.

The other response is, if you dont like u, heres a mop and cloth, you clean it.

Jamesblonde2 · 01/12/2025 13:48

Just go out OP, say you need to do some errands. Send a message to in-laws saying sorry I’ll miss you, I’ve never stopped and still lots to do.

Patchedupsocks · 01/12/2025 13:52

"Well, h is on cleaning duty this week, not very good is he? You didn't train him enough."
She is obviously a daft cow that runs around the men folk whilst they sit on their arses waitting to be attended to.
But in the long game who give a shit what visitors think? It's your home and they can either piss off or offer to help by taking the kids out whilst you AND h get some chores done between you.

Summerlovin24 · 01/12/2025 14:20

I used to purposely do less when in laws were coming to visit. Lazy ex then would panic and scurry round and tidy up for once.
Agree with other comments - say he wasn't well trained

ComfortFoodCafe · 01/12/2025 14:29

I would just pretend your working late and go upstairs after cheerfully saying “please ignore the mess, DH didn’t bother to clean up yesterday even though he promised.”

thepariscrimefiles · 01/12/2025 14:29

So your in-laws tell you off if your house isn't clean or tidy enough? I would stop inviting them to visit. They sound extremely rude. Do not clean up when your partner was supposed to do it and if they say anything, tell them to blame their son.

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 01/12/2025 14:32

If my ils ever commented when they turned up unexpectedly I reminded them they knew where the door is.
Tell them you are sending him back to them for more training..

FinallyHere · 01/12/2025 15:27

Elsvieta · 01/12/2025 13:42

"Haha, you'll have to talk to Dave about that, he was on cleaning duty this week". Put your feet up.

This. Own it.

You have limited control over what they say and do, and lots over how you react / feel about it. I’m hoping that you do genuinely accept that it doesnt reflect badly on you and that you are not beating yourself up about this current stage of your life.

Their visits will be much more enjoyable when you are fully out of “fcuks to give”. Enjoy

Chinsupmeloves · 02/12/2025 21:41

I don't wfh so wouldn't be able to clean up at lunch time. Only you can decide. Xxx

Frugalgal · 03/12/2025 19:17

Whatinthedoopla · 01/12/2025 06:02

I took the kids out for 6 hours yesterday so that my partner could have some alone time, and also help clean the house.

I arrived home yesterday to see the house still looking a state, toys on the floor, dishes not cleaned etc. I asked him what he did, and he said he put the clean dishes away, put boxes in the room, did some clothes washes, and the beds.

AIBU to just leave the house how it is for them to see?

I had to make dinner immediately when I got home (had to wash the dishes I was going to use for cooking) and put the Christmas decorations up, so there was no time for cleaning.

The only time I have today is on my lunch break to do some cleaning, but should I even bother?

His parents love to blame me when the house isn't cleaned.

Does he care what they think? Mine would happily leave the place a tip if his parents were coming over. He only cleans up at times like this because he doesn't want to hear me banging on..

pollymere · 03/12/2025 22:56

Yes ... I thought you could show me how it's done...

I once spent days deep cleaning my house. My MIL only noticed the singular dirty mug in the sink.

My DH had no cleaning or tidying skills when we got married. FIL has proudly told me he doesn't know how to use a washing machine or an oven ..