3 months post breakup

[Flowerpowersss]

Its now been 3 months since my husband left the home .
Ive hit rock bottom again with my emotions, 2/3 weeks ago I was finally feeling better but then he text me telling me he missed me ....
I told him if I took him back right nkw id be stupid and he agreed , I explained what he needs to do with himself - to finally accept he needs help and to get himself back on track and he needs to be 100% sober .

Little did I know this sent me into a spiral mentally, I spent the next 2 weeks feeling confused and I became run down and got a cold , inhad quite and emotion argument with him and he said hes not coming back , which was so messed up because he said he missed me , he said hed call me later on to check up on me as he was concerned and never did. He said he forgot which made me feel real hurt.
and this week ive been crying every night . Its 4.20 am and un able to sleep again .

5.20am , i put my phone down , now Im up with a tea staring at the xmas tree wondering how im going to get through the festive period with the kids .

One thing from him hes finally admitted to is that he is still drinking ( not as much but still is )
whereas for 2 months straight he said he hasnt been drinking , he said hes not drinking enough to get drunk so I had to remind him that you can build up a tolerance .
Atleast hes admitted it.

Stuck in a cycle of crap

Well OP this is better than having an alcoholic around you and the DC setting dysfunctional relationships as standard. Are you planning on starting divorce proceedings? I’ve been a lone parent for 14 years and I’ll tell you life was a lot easier than having an asshole partner in it.

You need to speak to him only about your shared children if you have any. All this “I miss you” “I’ll call you” and emotional conversations about your relationship just tear open old wounds that sounded like they were beginning to heal.

You left for a very good reason, to protect your children from an alcoholic and to move on to a better place for yourself. Don’t look back. It’s almost impossibly hard sometimes but it’s one foot in front of the other, one minute at a time if necessary.

Sort out a contact schedule with shared children, and then you know exactly when each are collecting/dropping off and having the kids. Then you need as little contact as possible whilst you heal.

Giving up this relationship is analagous to his situation with alcohol. You recognise that if he wants to be 100% off the alcohol, not tempted by the alcohol and better he needs to stop it completely. Having some drinks but not being drunk (if even true) means he will stay in the cycle and alcohol will forever have a hold over him. In your scenario, he is the alcohol and little bits of him just give him power and stop you healing and becoming better.

Stay strong OP!

I know what you mean , its hard when you both love each other but the drinking was effecting everything , he was like we are divorcing thats it done the first month but after that no mention.
I have no plans to divorce him as I wont re marry and its the last thing on my mind .
Thank u x

Hes a shit. Hes used you to bolster himself emotionally - "i miss you" what did he think that would achieve? how did he think it would impact your emotions? He didnt. It was selfish and self absorbed. he said hed call me later on to check up on me as he was concerned and never did - because none of this was for your benefit. Take that as a sign that you need to become more selfish and self absorbed.

DO NOT INTERACT or entertain or respond with any of his "i miss you" type messages. They wont help you. Do not enter into any conversation about "what he needs to do, how he needs to progress" - You're primary concern is YOU. You need to heal. You dont have capacity to help him heal. Id say block him but you have children.

OP, my DH died age 47 from alcoholism. I know the horrific roller coaster of emotions only too well. In fact I could write a book. Please don't be tempted to take him back, that won't do either of you any good and least of all the kids. Basically, you can't believe a single word that comes out of his mouth. No matter how many times he says he loves you, misses you, has stopped drinking or that the moon is made of cheese! Alcoholics are very, very good liars. They have to be. Just take care of yourself and the kids and please remember, you cannot save him. You will destroy yourself and your kids if you try.

@Flowerpowersss you are your children's world atm, think of them.

Their Dad, your husband can't be there for them nor you.

He is ill and currently unwilling to get better.

I know this is not for everyone but you could gain strength/support from Al-Anon.

For the next few weeks, block/ignore him until you get yourself steady.

You and your children should be at the forefront of your mind just now.

Good luck, it is so hard.

edit; missed word

Thank you x

I hope this helps - from google

Drop the rope
"Drop the rope" in the context of alcoholism most often refers to
letting go of the exhausting, emotional "tug-of-war" with the person's addiction,

This means ceasing to struggle with and try to control the addicted person, recognizing that their choices are not yours to fix, and focusing on reclaiming your own life. It can also describe a moment when a person's own body, after long-term heavy drinking, stops the "struggle" and causes severe withdrawal symptoms like (DTs).
For family and friends of an alcoholic

Stop the "tug-of-war": The phrase "drop the rope" is a metaphor for a family member or friend who is exhausted from trying to "win" the struggle against an alcoholic's behavior.

Let go of control: It means recognizing that you cannot control another person's addiction, and you need to let go of the struggle to control their actions and choices.

Focus on yourself: This allows the individual to focus on their own well-being and life, rather than being consumed by the alcoholic's problems.

A difficult decision: For some, "dropping the rope" means making the heartbreaking decision to no longer provide support, which in one case led to tragedy, highlighting the pain involved in this choice.⁸

Thank you , this has helped me xx