For feeling angry with depressed Mother?

[Starburst360]

Hi All,
I’ve name changed for this, but I’m a long term MN user although never posted on this topic before.
I’m in my early 40s and have one child. I have a friendly but distant relationship with my DM. For as long as I can remember, she has been depressed. Life hasn’t been easy for her, my DF had an affair and left when I was 6 and money was very very tight - it must have been so stressful for her. I don’t really remember much of life before then, but when I look back on my childhood it is mostly peppered with her crying and not being able to get up in the mornings and listening to her talk about her feelings etc. She has slowly crawled on with life, not showing too much of an interest in my life (especially that would involve offering any degree of support, or travel or action etc). She has little to do with DS and would never come and visit or even try and host us. For the past 10 years or so she has complained about her husband endlessly, brutally, within earshot of him, it’s so uncomfortable at times and can be quite nasty. He finally gave her what she wanted as asked for a separation. For years she has said how much she wants it, and now has her own lovely little place and the opportunity to have the life that she so craves.
However, on asking how things are, she is tired, tearful, unmotivated etc - all the things she has always been. I have to be honest, I feel no sympathy or anything - just frustration. I know she is probably depressed, I know she can’t help it and she will do nothing about it but I just don’t know what I can do for her. I honestly don’t think I can be there for her or listen to her. I feel terrible about it and wish we could have a normal relationship.

Can anyone suggest how I navigate this?
Do I need to suck up my feelings and just be a good daughter by being there for her? I suspect I may be quite unreasonable here - I just don’t know anymore ☹️

Is she on any meds? In counseling? Has she ever sought help?

She has had counseling - but a short course and has been offered meds but doesn’t want to take them because she doesn’t want to be ‘happy happy’ whatever that means…

Sorry to add to the mental load, but I think it's all about you:

Does it matter to her that YOU are listening or could it be any willing soul?

What, if any, relationship do you want to have or want your DC to have with her?

I think you need to determine what YOU want here because, kindly, I think your DM just takes what is dished out to her.

If you didn't involve yourself, what might happen to your DM?

NO advice to add but God, that sounds exhausting OP.

This is very good advice. Your mother sounds difficult but you don’t have to be as available as you are being. She can be who she is and obviously that is very sad for you but you absolutely do not need to fix this, just manage it as best as you can. More like a professional interest type of relationship, with that sort of emotional distance, as it does not sound like your mother has any capacity for a mother daughter type relationship.

@tarheelbaby thanks for your message and challenge. You’ve got me thinking. I really don’t know the answer.
Reading the OP back, it does sound like I’m just angry at how I’ve been ‘mothered’ over the years and possibly wanting more from her but knowing she can’t give me anything else. Every meeting, phone call, text is dominated with her misery and it has always been like this from a young age (I moved out at 17).

Youve got me thinking, she has never said it, or asked, but I feel like she wants me to be her counselor or BF whereas I suppose I’m out of steam in that sense. I just wish she could be happy and even though I suspected her seperation wouldn’t be the panacea she thought it would be, I really hoped she would be happy. But I know you want will a depressed person to feel good and it’s unfair of me. Sorry I don’t even know where I’m going with this now!

I’ve every sympathy. My DF has been depressed for as long as I can remember but only recently agreed to antidepressants and he’s been exhausting to deal with.

Thankfully, he’s now on them and although he’s not skipping for Joy, he’s a lot better.

You can’t fix her OP, much as you would love to help, only she can ask for help. Sounds like anti depressants would really, help. They won’t make her ‘happy happy’ but the might help her enough to motivate her, to take an interest in you, gc, just life generally, and that might start the ball rolling towards a happier life.

You focus on yourself, your life and immediate family. Encourage her to visit GP and get medication. You can’t fix her, so cut yourself some slack, and live your life. X

Total support to you, @Starburst360 , intense parents are ... intense.

Thank you so much for the kind supportive messages - it’s so nice to hear from others who get it or who are willing to reply.
@Maryberrysbouffant - you’ve hit the nail on the head and found the word I’ve been looking for - exhausted. so glad to hear your father has improved since taking anti depressants.
I may gently suggest them to her.