I feel exhausting and a complete mess. Honesty please

[blackswan27]

Hi everyone. I have ADHD, and for the last few weeks my relationship has hit a really tough patch.

We recognise that I go through phases — some where I’m positive and doing well, and others where I get overwhelmed and negative. The last few weeks have been the “overwhelmed/negative” phase.
During this time, I’ve been more emotional, easily triggered, anxious about the relationship, looping over small things and needing more reassurance.

I was on medication that genuinely helped my mood, but I stopped taking it because I was starting ADHD medication and wasn’t sure if they would clash. My prescriber said they might. I didn’t tell my boyfriend before I stopped.
He was upset about that because he felt I should’ve discussed it with him, especially since the meds were helping me. He thinks stopping them is part of why I’ve been so low/emotional these last few weeks.

On Friday we had a bit of an argument. This was primarily about me being unable to listen, jumping to conclusions and projecting my poor self esteem. I cried a lot and told him I felt like I wasn’t getting better. I also brought up something from April that has been affecting me emotionally.
When I was crying heavily, he didn’t immediately hold my hand or comfort me, which really hurt me. Later he gave me a hug, but in the moment I interpreted his initial distance as “he doesn’t care.” He said we handle emotions differently and he needs a moment before reacting.
It triggered me because I can’t imagine not comforting him instantly if he cried.

The next morning I left while he was still asleep.
When he didn’t call or check on me right away after waking up, I got upset again. But he said he was still annoyed from the night before.
It became another emotional spiral for me.

He told me that for the last few weeks home life hasn’t felt happy for him.
He said I haven’t been listening to him, that I’ve been negative, and he feels pushed away because I don’t let him in.
Hearing this made me feel even worse and hopeless because I feel like I’m trying and failing at the same time.

He buys me flowers once a month. Today was the last day of the month, and there were no flowers.
He explained that he was still unsure what flowers we can have around our new pet, and also he was tired after work during the week. Today he looked but couldn’t find any. He asked if we could check the market (I said no because I knew it was closed).
So instead, said he’d buy me two bouquets in December.
I kept bringing it up and saying it made me sad. He got frustrated and said I wasn’t listening to what he already explained, this is exactly the problem lately and that I’ve been extremely difficult to be around for a few weeks.

Today we went Christmas shopping together. It was fine, but later he mentioned that if he had a choice, his preference would’ve been to stay home and relax because he’s exhausted.
He still said he had a nice time, but I spiralled again because I felt like he didn’t want to spend time with me — even though he actually did.
My brain just couldn’t let go of the idea that “his preference wasn’t me.”

i feel so so sad and like I want to give up on even trying.
He said he doesn’t want to give up, it’s just been a bad few weeks.
But I’m stuck in this pattern where everything feels like rejection, tiny disappointments feel personal, and once I’m emotional I cannot calm myself down or listen properly.

Any advice from people who have been here — on either side — would mean a lot

I think you need to speak to your GP about your mental health and medication. I have anxiety and so I can say with some comfort I know how difficult I can be to be around sometimes - but it isn’t fair of me to inflict that on others and it isn’t fair of you OP. Your other half sounds really patient and all of the things you describe are anxiety telling you to feel this way. If you know it’s better with medication then you absolutely need to look into that and see what options are available.

if it carries on you will push your DP away completely.

I absolutely am pushing him away. But I’m also a chronic overthinker and I think, what if he doesn’t love me? What if we aren’t compatible?

His preference not being going Christmas shopping made me unbelievably upset for example

I understand about the overwhelm and negativity but I think you have to put yourself in his shoes here. How would you feel if he was pulling you apart over every tiny thing constantly but still expecting you to constantly reassure him? You can expect your partner to support you but not to the point it is effecting their mental health and happiness. I would really consider talking to your gp about going back onto your other meds or something else that doesn't clash as I think this behaviour can be forgivable if the person is taking active steps to sort themselves out.

Realistically ge probably didn't feel like buying you flowers because he is hurt and upset at the moment and it would feel forced and meaningless. You need to accept that your behaviour has consequences, he isn't just a supporting character in your life he has his own life and his own mental health to worry about. Please let it go or you will destroy the relationship

It sounds very much like rejection sensitive dysphoria? It’s often co-morbid / part of having ADHD for many people.

Is that something you’ve heard of before?

I don’t know how to spiral in these moments. He thinks my meds were helping. I went off them 3 weeks ago and started them again last week. I trialled Elvanse for ADHD but was told to come off them as my blood pressure rose a lot and I’m currently awaiting another appointment with the prescribers.
So I’m currently back on the original meds and awaiting further adhd meds

Yes definitely RSD! I have heard of it but feels very very strong at the moment

You hould consider going back to your previous meds as clearly they were helping with your mood swings....it's not fair on your partner that he gets the end of the stick ...you are emotionally unstable and you're driving him crazy too. Speak to your GP and get your meds sorted.

There’s certain things that make me worry we’re not compatible or he doesn’t love me anymore. Like, why would he not comfort me when I’m crying? Or why wouldn’t he get me flowers? Or why would his preference be to sit doing nothing when I want to go Christmas shopping with him?

and I have restated these meds

You need to remember:
Its not his responsibility to manage your emotions

Its not his responsibility to manage your triggers

Its not his responsibility to make you happy

Its not his responsibility to act how you would act in order to make you happy

You are placing far too much of your own responsibility onto him.

Your behaviours are doing everything you are blaming him for.

He isnt a robot you get to direct him treat you exactly how you want him to treat you to meet your expectations and to make you happy. He is a person too. You cannot control his actions, only your own.

Ok so I just read the previous reply...it's good you're back on it...but it will take time to kick in....until then plz try to control your emotions with him...try to acknowledge it's you not him...and once your meds are sorted you will feel better and hopefully the sensitivity will lessen....bite your tongue and step back a little....give each other some much needed space to come to terms with it. Go easy on him and ask him to bear with you till you're sorted.

There's a lot here about you and all the things that he perceives to be problematic. It might be he's just a cunt.

I hope this helps OP:

First, the physiology has to settle.
When someone is that emotionally raw, no amount of “thinking differently” works. They’re in fight-or-flight most days. ADHD meds, antidepressants or mood stabilisers can make a dramatic difference here. If she stopped a med that was helping and is spiralling since, restarting it under proper guidance is a huge first step.

Second, you separate emotion from reality.
A therapist or coach helps her practise:
“I feel rejected” versus “Is there evidence I am rejected?”
That shift sounds tiny, but it creates a crack in the emotional wall and makes room for rational thought.

Third, you build distress tolerance.
This is the unglamorous but crucial bit. Learning how to weather a spike without acting on it. Things like:

Pausing before responding
Leaving the room
Naming the sensation rather than the story
Using physical grounding
Writing before speaking

It’s essentially building a buffer.

Fourth, you tighten the narrative.
People in RSD spirals often narrate the worst possible interpretation endlessly in their head. The work is teaching her to strip her interpretation back to facts:
“He didn’t hug me immediately.”
Becomes:
“He processes emotions differently to me.”
It’s not about pretending things don’t hurt. It’s about removing invented meaning.

Fifth, you work on self-esteem that isn’t dependent on the partner.
Otherwise every wobble in the relationship feels like a wobble in the self. When someone has their sense of worth anchored outside the relationship, they stop measuring their value through someone else’s reactions.

Sixth, you establish relational boundaries and communication rules.
With couples in this dynamic, therapists often introduce things like:

“We don’t discuss big emotions late at night.”
“We don’t interpret each other’s silence.”
“If someone needs a moment before comforting, that’s allowed.”
“If someone is triggered, they must signal it without accusation.”

It helps both partners de-escalate.

Seventh, you widen the emotional world.
Someone who’s in a chronic rejection loop needs other sources of connection and validation so the partner stops being the sole oxygen line. Friendships, hobbies, structure, activities that create a sense of competence. The more she has outside the relationship, the less catastrophic each bump with her partner feels.

Eighth, the partner gets support too.
Not because he’s responsible for fixing her feelings, but because knowing how to support someone in a spiral without absorbing the intensity makes the relationship more sustainable.

If I were mapping a recovery arc for someone like the OP, I’d sketch it like this:

Calm the body
Strengthen the mind
Clarify the story
Stabilise communication
Rebuild identity
Rebalance relationship dynamics

Someone in a spiral doesn’t jump straight to “healthy communication”. They start by getting back to emotional equilibrium so they’re not interpreting every neutral cue as rejection.

And the big thing: this stuff does improve. People who look like the OP often stabilise massively once the emotional dysregulation is addressed. They stop feeling like they’re defective, and they gain the ability to ride emotions rather than drown in them.

It takes time, but it’s fully doable.

What do you do in return? Not chores in the house, but gestures that show you care.

For instance, he wanted to rest at the weekend, but instead went shopping with you because it was what you wanted...but reverse it around, and you could have chosen a lazy day at home with him even though you wanted to shop.

I do lots of gestures for him like when he wants to watch sports on a Sunday evening I provide snacks and drinks for him. I sometimes leave him notes with his morning coffee. I didn’t know he would’ve preferred to stay at home until after where he told me he didn’t want me to be upset

I do get it, but i think you need to get an urgent review of your meds. I take Elvanse, but I also take citalopram for anxiety/depression, and 2 different medications for high blood pressure.

And RSD is definitely a major part of ADHD. I really struggle with it, but for the most part manage to keep my thoughts to myself. Sometimes I fail to see things from the other person's point of view and only think about how I'm affected. Elvanse has really helped me get some clarity about this though, and will often seek out advice from friends, or FB groups like AIBU. A bite of the reality sandwich usually helps me take a step back and reassess my way of thinking.

The problem here OP is that it's all about you and your feelings, your emotions, your triggers etc.

I know you're the one with the mental health condition but how long can this one-sided relationship continue for?

Not everyone's cut out to deal with all this and even if they try, sometimes you need to allow them to have their feelings too and accept they're just as valid as yours.

I think the best thing would be to get some therapy for yourself for overthinking, rejection sensitivity and emotional regulation help. Very gently, although you are not doing it on purpose, this pattern in a relationship is very damaging.

Do your emotional crashes ever align with the week before your period? Could be PMDD. There's a few ways to treat it. I do the running packs together of combined pill so I only have a period every few months. It doesn't work for everyone so do some research and speak to your GP. I know some people take an antidepressant in just the week leading up to period.
Just thought I'd suggest it because my feelings were a roller coaster every month and now I feel more stable.

They do sometimes align with my period but honestly this just feels constant 😬 and I just can’t stop myself spiralling over every little thing!

As others have said, a medication review should be a priority. It’s also important to try to separate what you imagine you would do in a situation and what it would mean, from what others do and what they might mean by it.

Just because you feel anxious about the relationship doesn’t mean your partner is doing something wrong.

And if all your focus is going on analysing whether he loves you enough, whether he is showing you his love in the right way, whether he is making enough of an effort - do you have any energy or attention left over to love him?

He is clearly not feeling very loved or listened to, but constantly appraised and found wanting, and probably a little bit controlled. This is not a dynamic that supports a healthy and relaxed relationship.

I have different mental health issues to you but the effects have in the past been quite similar.

one of the most helpful therapies I’ve had was compassionate inquiry combined with interoceptive awareness. It made me actually notice my physical sensations before spiralling into complete dysregulation, which meant I could do something about them early on. Is that something you could look into?

You have rejection sensitive dysphoria.

But you need to remember that he's not a bit player on your drama.

Thank you all x

I was going to say that this sounds like rejection sensitivity dysphoria.

I have been in this situation as the partner and it is exhausting and draining.

RSD will kill your relationship if you do not find a way of managing it.