I have noticed how my days come in waves. Some days I feel absolutely fine and other days I feel dreadful. Well today is a dreadful day. I feel lonely and out of sorts. I feel totally on my own. I have my son with me today as DD is at her (absolutely amazing) dads. She gets jealous that my DS doesn’t go and see his “dad” but how do I explain that to a child? DS dad has seen him an hour in the past 3 weeks. Before the split he seemed as though he couldn’t go a couple of days without seeing him. I feel awful on my son but at the same time I am of course glad his “dad” isn’t around and I’m almost certain he is refraining from seeing our DS to punish me. Which obviously makes me hate him more.
my feeling are confusing me today. Because I don’t miss my abusivr ex but I do miss adult company. I miss the idea of what could have (but never would have) been.
one thing I’m struggling with it coming to terms with if I was or was not SA? This is a heavy accusation but I honest feel like I could never have said no to him. I’m going to share some photos of a text conversation and blank out names for obvious reasons. I felt scared to turn him down for sex but this night (or morning) I did. If I put my children to bed and didn’t have sex with him because I fell to sleep while trying to get them to sleep, he would make my life so miserable the following day and accuse me of not wanting to sleep with him(if sex was missed a day or two) if I was exhausted from doing all house work and sorting the kids and working all day I dreaded going to bed because I knew I would have to have sex with him. Please can someone provide unbiased advice on this🤦♀️