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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Today is a tough day (DV survivor)🤕

19 replies

NeedingASafeSpace · 30/11/2025 16:23

I have noticed how my days come in waves. Some days I feel absolutely fine and other days I feel dreadful. Well today is a dreadful day. I feel lonely and out of sorts. I feel totally on my own. I have my son with me today as DD is at her (absolutely amazing) dads. She gets jealous that my DS doesn’t go and see his “dad” but how do I explain that to a child? DS dad has seen him an hour in the past 3 weeks. Before the split he seemed as though he couldn’t go a couple of days without seeing him. I feel awful on my son but at the same time I am of course glad his “dad” isn’t around and I’m almost certain he is refraining from seeing our DS to punish me. Which obviously makes me hate him more.
my feeling are confusing me today. Because I don’t miss my abusivr ex but I do miss adult company. I miss the idea of what could have (but never would have) been.
one thing I’m struggling with it coming to terms with if I was or was not SA? This is a heavy accusation but I honest feel like I could never have said no to him. I’m going to share some photos of a text conversation and blank out names for obvious reasons. I felt scared to turn him down for sex but this night (or morning) I did. If I put my children to bed and didn’t have sex with him because I fell to sleep while trying to get them to sleep, he would make my life so miserable the following day and accuse me of not wanting to sleep with him(if sex was missed a day or two) if I was exhausted from doing all house work and sorting the kids and working all day I dreaded going to bed because I knew I would have to have sex with him. Please can someone provide unbiased advice on this🤦‍♀️

Today is a tough day (DV survivor)🤕
OP posts:
mumofoneAloneandwell · 30/11/2025 16:26

Yanbu at all girl - you deserve a medal for keeping on going

Ive dealt with a man who would message me like that - i thought the problems were with me but thats abusive xx

NeedingASafeSpace · 30/11/2025 16:27

I just want to add further context. Because I refused him he was screaming all sorts of profanity at early hours. Needless to say the next day, I left. Also it says “today” because I screen shot it that morning. This was a while ago

OP posts:
NeedingASafeSpace · 30/11/2025 16:30

mumofoneAloneandwell · 30/11/2025 16:26

Yanbu at all girl - you deserve a medal for keeping on going

Ive dealt with a man who would message me like that - i thought the problems were with me but thats abusive xx

I feel so angry. How do you get over it? Since leaving I have had absolutely no interest in sex at all and I think it is because he’s really affected sex for me

OP posts:
mumofoneAloneandwell · 30/11/2025 16:32

NeedingASafeSpace · 30/11/2025 16:30

I feel so angry. How do you get over it? Since leaving I have had absolutely no interest in sex at all and I think it is because he’s really affected sex for me

Its been 6.5 years and I am on the road to recovery, honestly - I finally dont feel so distrusting towards men (I mean, my disgust with them comes and goes 😄)

Just time, girl. You can enjoy the babies and motherhood but I would block out anyone who bangs on about 'fatherhood' and how important it is.

Its not the be all and end all, kids need mums who love and want them xx

Sex will come back after a while as well, just needs you to feel at peace

NeedingASafeSpace · 30/11/2025 16:36

mumofoneAloneandwell · 30/11/2025 16:32

Its been 6.5 years and I am on the road to recovery, honestly - I finally dont feel so distrusting towards men (I mean, my disgust with them comes and goes 😄)

Just time, girl. You can enjoy the babies and motherhood but I would block out anyone who bangs on about 'fatherhood' and how important it is.

Its not the be all and end all, kids need mums who love and want them xx

Sex will come back after a while as well, just needs you to feel at peace

Edited

I am glad to hear you’re on the road to recovery. You sound very strong and I’m glad you are. Well done for overcoming the POS. Can I ask, did you ever report him to the police? X

OP posts:
Merseymum1980 · 30/11/2025 17:17

He doesnt sound respectful. Are you safe now?
Has he ever hit you

NeedingASafeSpace · 30/11/2025 17:19

Merseymum1980 · 30/11/2025 17:17

He doesnt sound respectful. Are you safe now?
Has he ever hit you

He is dreadful. He’s highly abusive. He hasn’t punched me but he’s pushed me, kicked me, spat at me, raised his fist, threw a plastic bottle in my face which gave me a black eye when I was pregnant with our son, screamed in my face and destroyed my belongings. But he said he isn’t abusive because he has never hit me…

OP posts:
Merseymum1980 · 30/11/2025 17:31

NeedingASafeSpace · 30/11/2025 17:19

He is dreadful. He’s highly abusive. He hasn’t punched me but he’s pushed me, kicked me, spat at me, raised his fist, threw a plastic bottle in my face which gave me a black eye when I was pregnant with our son, screamed in my face and destroyed my belongings. But he said he isn’t abusive because he has never hit me…

Id consider seeing a solicitor and getting a non molestation order

NeedingASafeSpace · 30/11/2025 17:31

Merseymum1980 · 30/11/2025 17:31

Id consider seeing a solicitor and getting a non molestation order

Can I do that if something hasn’t happened within 24 hours? Also how would that look for access with my child?

OP posts:
Merseymum1980 · 30/11/2025 17:35

NeedingASafeSpace · 30/11/2025 17:31

Can I do that if something hasn’t happened within 24 hours? Also how would that look for access with my child?

Yes are you in a reguge at the moment?
Defintley speak to the police and womens aid

prettydesertflower · 30/11/2025 17:47

The language in that message alone is foul. Totally demeaning. I am so sorry you had to deal with such an unpleasant person. You have the absolute right to say no to anything that conncerjs your body and personal space.

Wynter25 · 30/11/2025 17:55

NeedingASafeSpace · 30/11/2025 17:19

He is dreadful. He’s highly abusive. He hasn’t punched me but he’s pushed me, kicked me, spat at me, raised his fist, threw a plastic bottle in my face which gave me a black eye when I was pregnant with our son, screamed in my face and destroyed my belongings. But he said he isn’t abusive because he has never hit me…

Doesnt have to hit to be abusive. So sorry you went through that and glad you got out.

Im currently going through therapy. Was emotionally abused.

NeedingASafeSpace · 30/11/2025 17:56

Wynter25 · 30/11/2025 17:55

Doesnt have to hit to be abusive. So sorry you went through that and glad you got out.

Im currently going through therapy. Was emotionally abused.

I’m so sorry about that. If you ever want to reach out I can support you if I can / if not triggering. Sometimes having someone who’s going through similar can help recently was recommended the book “why does he do that” have you heard of it? It explains alot

OP posts:
NeedingASafeSpace · 30/11/2025 17:57

prettydesertflower · 30/11/2025 17:47

The language in that message alone is foul. Totally demeaning. I am so sorry you had to deal with such an unpleasant person. You have the absolute right to say no to anything that conncerjs your body and personal space.

Thank you

OP posts:
NigelForage · 30/11/2025 17:58

Gosh, isn't he a charmer?

Satisfiedkitty · 30/11/2025 18:09

It takes time to heal, and you will go backwards and forwards in your head whilst you heal.

I've been out of my abusive marriage for nearly three years, but I still had a moment an hour or so ago when I felt like my legs were giving way with the whole grief of it. I had to remind myself that I'm still healing.

I found the SA the hardest to get my head around, because I was so embarrassed and wasn't sure whether it was abusive. I messaged Rape Crisis on their chat, and they were amazing. Like you, I just gave them the facts, and they told me it was definitely abusive and they classed it as sexual violence. Might be worth messaging them?

mumofoneAloneandwell · 30/11/2025 18:22

NeedingASafeSpace · 30/11/2025 16:36

I am glad to hear you’re on the road to recovery. You sound very strong and I’m glad you are. Well done for overcoming the POS. Can I ask, did you ever report him to the police? X

I didnt at all. This kind of manipulative bullying is all I have known in my previous life, before I left with dd. No point, my estranged family would be in court supporting him in the hopes i'd lose custody of my daughter

Nasty business.

Tbh i didnt even think about these messages and what they meant. He comes across very kind and down to earth and me as 'too much', so theres no point in fighting that, just best to move on

but i think you should proceed as you wish girl, i admire women who make sure they get justice xx

(Sorry I didnt respond sooner, I mustve clicked 'read all' on the notifications)

unsync · 30/11/2025 18:56

Have you had any help IRL from any of the DA organisations? You may benefit from the Freedom Program which would help you with boundary setting and hopefully stop you making the same relationship mistakes in the future. I found the course I did with my local Women's Aid extremely useful as well as eye opening.

AzureCats · 30/11/2025 19:11

I've been married 2 years, and me and husband have had zero sex simply because I don't want to (with anyone including myself). He has never reacted like this ever. We still kiss and cuddle and have a wonderful life together. I spoon him every night peacefully knowing that I'm not getting a dick poked at me or a vile huffy tirade.

Do not get tricked into thinking you a owe man sex every day.
The way he demands sex (over text?!?) and then goes in a huff is absolutely vile. Good job standing up for yourself. Don't go back to him as you deserve better. He can have a relationship with his son if he wants but that doesn't mean you have to be his sex doll.

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