For cutting off financial support to my sister who was victim of domestic abuse??

[SpetacularlyLost]

Hi, it's been ~15 years since I last had social media...or posted anything online... so pls take it easy🙏 Imma try use the mumsnet 'language' but I will prob fail... soz x

Trigger: narcissistic abuse

DS was in a relationship with the worst narcissist you can imagine, evil to the point he killed the family cat, but not physical towards her. DM and I put up with so much shit (are we allowed to swear here?) so she wouldn't shut us off, totally blinded by his 'charm', believing each of his blatant lies, always making excuses. I pretended to my best to like him, so not to lose her, to keep an eye on her and protect my nephew (from her first marriage).

She worked two jobs and earned good money, but always dressed like a homeless person. He was a 'stay at home dad' who slept till 2pm, always 'nasty people' would push him out of jobs; she accrued £65k debt funding his 'entrepreneurial' ideas. He used to make her drive 3 hours in the middle of the night, heavily pregnant, to to pick him up in pubs and bars in the countryside, to 'support his art' (music). Then he decided to be a photographer: making photo-books for sex workers, going for long shooting sessions at the establishment. She wouldn't bat an eye as 'she trusted him' 😔

I live abroad, and even paid for them to come visit incl. him, for her sake. In 2020 they then decided to move abroad also, for a better life. As I am better off professionally, I supported them financially. He flew out first to supposedly find work, establish himself and secure housing.
But as I guessed, instead, when she arrived with the kid, she discovered he had burnt thousands in designer clothes/shoes and eating in restaurants everyday. They had nowhere to live so I had to foot the bill to rent temporary accomodation.
Then she found his browsing history: pornography, searching for local orgies, homossexual encounters and hiring sex workers. She found an immense dildo in his wardrobe. All this happening at the same time as the shock of moving your whole world to a different country, uprooting your kids. There, he was also summoned by the police for buying stolen goods.

So cutting a very long story short, although he left her and the country in January, I discovered that just two months ago she had been talking to him online and over calls, on what was and could be if he ever came back, asking my niece to 'give him a chance' and answer his calls... all this while me and DH have been working double to send her money every month as she finds herself paying high rent in a different country.

While I've been griding to soften his blow, she is gone seeking for him. I feel so betrayed! Even more so because she told me about all this as if it was some triumph of hers to 'finally get over him' - apparently because he had said that to come back he would have some demands: that she wouldn't let me or DM intrude in their marriage, and my nephew would have to move out. Can you believe it?

This man has caused me financial losses, stole from me when he visited my home, mistreated our mother, her older son... spoilt every special occasion, he basically destroyed our family.He betryed her and abandoned his younger child abroad with her, not even paying maintenace, she had to use food banks.

AIBU for not wanting to keep on supporting SIS financially any longer, as she has broken my trust by speaking to him for three month behind my back? I understand she is recovering victim of his, but c'mon... I even paid for her psychotherapy when he left, but instead of reaching out to them, she decided it would be better to engage some more with the family's n.1 enemy.

I am tired, hurt and resentful. I feel like I sacrificed giving my own family a better life so not to let my Sis fall.
On the other hand, again she promised she is done speaking to him that she needed closure. That I dont understand how hard it is for her, etc (she said all this before). I havent had an honest conversation with her because I am quite direct and overmore, I am quite angry. Deep inside, I also ask myself if I should bother... and maybe being entangled in his web is her life choice...
I feel I am a victim of his by default, as to get him out of my life, I need to shut her off. My money covering his unmet responsibilities.

AIBU?? Pls help, I need human advice... I am tired of talking to Chat GPT...

No, I wouldn't. You helped so much, it wasn't appreciated regardless of what she says.

She can work and support herself.

Thanks for the sanity check x

Nor unreasonable at all - you threw her a lifeline when she needed it, and she’s thrown it back in your face. She’s an adult and needs to take responsibility and be accountable for the poor decisions she makes. However, he is undoubtedly highly manipulative so she’s a bit trapped but will continue to make the same mistakes if you bail her out. Time for the tough love. Maybe you could write to her explaining all this and why you can no longer help financially.

YABU for the unnecessary gigh. YANBU to stop giving her money when she's not helping herself.

Some people can't be helped because the toxic dynamic serves them in some way.

See Constance Marten

You can still be involved but it's important to set boundaries and make it clear that financial support is no longer available. She didn't engage with psychotherapy. I just feel sorry for the kids

Leave them to it. You don't have to carry on sorting out their mess.

Hi, thanks. Yes, that's how it feels, thrown in my face. I have been working long hours, and my DH working week, some night and some weekends. I had to put my dog down, and found it strange she never called me to see how I was... messages always come near to the time when rent is due... feels surreal to write it down and read it... sounds as if I am being abused myself.

Hi, thanks for this.
Yes, love keeps us locked in situations... if I don’t support her, it won't be long until they lose the flat. But again, the child's father should step up, not me... but I already know he won't, so a bit lost...

Maybe I need some therapy to understand why I am such an enabler... thanks x

You have been doing too much for her, even if she had never messaged him again.

Stop all support immediately and see a counsellor about this need to save your sister, it’s not healthy,

Why does your DH go along with this? If my husband financially supported a sibling to this extent, I would have given him an ultimatum and left him.

Wow, what an absolute prince of a man😏

No, leave her to continue ruining her life. It is very sad and frustrating for you, but you've done enough now. If she resumes her relationship with him, she'll be throwing everything you've done for her and her children back in your face.There's just no helping some people.

Spend your money on yourself and yours.

Has it occurred to you that YOU are in an abusive relationship with your DS? She is manipulating you and is also entirely lacking insight and empathy. It is likely that if you stop funding her existence then she will become much less attractive to the horrid “ex” boyfriend also. He’s just looking for an easy life. Move on. Focus on your immediate family before her toxicity breaks up your own marriage.

I'm a bit torn actually op and I think it depends on how much you need the money. Which I know sounds a bit crass but im trying to think about what i would do in your shoes.

She's still recovering from years of what sounds like pretty extreme gaslighting and control. Coming out of that is actually terrifying and it's going to take her a long time to really get this all out of her system and to grieve the part of the relationship and the guy that was good and that she loved (even though he was also an utter horror). I think she's made a poor decision by allowing any form of contact there as well but it's not uncommon for those who have been abused to do this. I think you do need to have a very direct conversation with her actually, when you feel calm enough to do it. You could also phone a dv helpline for advice on how best to support her and have that conversation as you're right , you are also affected by this albeit in a different way. Looking at the cycle of violence diagram might help you understand what she's been living with and if she's got trauma from her experience ( which is very likely) then everything in her system will be telling her to seek out 'danger' because then her hypervigilant state will make sense with the world around her. And that's not a conscious decision, she won't know that's what she's doing unless she's able to reflect on it.

I think if the money itself makes no odds to you then I'd continue to help her but with a timeline in place so she knows you'll do x and for how long. And I would give her a come to Jesus talk about allowing this snake the opportunity to manipulate her again (even if she was just testing herself playing with fire is still a form of self sabotage and given what you've described, is also probably a trauma response), especially since she has kids in the picture. I'd also ask her to commit to therapy with a good, qualified and dv specialist counsellor. I wouldn't force her because that can affect the therapy itself but I would really strongly encourage it.

However, if the money is difficult for you and its having an impact then I would begin to cut it off. Either way you can't fund her endlessly and she does need to stand on her own two feet eventually. I think you need to work out a timeline to this that's realistic, eg if she is depending on you to cover her rent I'd not cut this off straightaway but I would give her x time to find a job and offer to help where you can with childcare to help her do this.

I think it's hard for anyone on here to really say for sure because all of what you're describing in your relationship could be just a very one sided relationship, or it could also be trauma related. She's been in 'victim mode' (and I mean that genuinely) for a long time either being controlled or supported and standing on your own two feet again as an independent, equal person can actually be really daunting and almost feel foreign after that. I wouldn't say she doesn't appreciate your help, but I would say she's leaning a bit too heavily on you and it's no longer serving her because she needs to know she can do this on her own.

You have my sympathy op, watching someone you love in a relationship like this is really painful.

Hi, sounds reasonable. Thanks

Hi, I guess because being near to her would make me happy and he wanted to see me happy. Tbh, I regret asking for and using his help... it's unfair, you're right.
I think we just didn't want to see the kids homeless as well.

I think you need help. It's really not normal to behave like you've done and cost yourself so much money supporting her She's a grown woman who makes a lot of bad choices.

Hi, thanks. I think you're right and have started doing this since that day she, unashamedly, told me about these interactiion. Unfortunately, it has been only a week, after supporting her for years... but better late than never. But inside I feel a bit... numb tbh.

Thanks. Yes it has occurred to me. Just sometimes we don't want to believe what people show us they are... we want to believe what they say they are. But I must believe the fact, even if they break my heart. And I have a duty to look after my kids and my DH, not her abd her kids.

Thanks for a through and kind response.
About the money I would say I made some pretty bad decisions because I panicked when they had no home. I accepted that my husband cashed in one of his pensions, when I should have said 'no way Jose'. I blame myself for that. I got credit card debt now which I never had in my life. I havent had a holiday in two years. I have not even mentionned what she told me to my DH, as I know he'd explode. Like I said in another response, I already took a step back as I was gobsmacked when she told me about speaking to him (and to his current girlfriend) between July and September... that's when I never went on holiday with my kids because I sent her funds. I also have to manage our DM's reaction to all this, and she's 76... imagine hiw she will react to learning her daughter has no home... hence why I broke my cyber diet of 15 years to ask for some sincere advice from strangers.... that's how lost I am...

Thanks. When doing it, I would say to myself that that what family is for. That she would do the same for me if I was in need. With both of us coming from very humble beginnings, and being very close, maybe I had a bit of survivor's guilt... and maybe all that was true up to a certain point, but people change.
I feel used and betrayed. I don't even understand why she would actually reveal to me that she was speaking to him... and her reaction when I told her she should have reached out to her therapist instead, she just brushed me off... really sad