Can I do anything about EXH getting lifts for DC? Please read

[selfishroad]

Didn’t know how to word title so please read!

Shortly after EXH and I splitting up and moving out, his family decided they were moving to a very rural area and he decided to move with them as he’s sponging off them and not working. In fairness to him, he has been doing the picking up/dropping DC off on his days. However, he is getting a 78 year old family member to drive. He doesn’t drive and won’t learn. He occasionally uses public transport which is on several times a day but last bus is 6pm I think (no trains). This road is notorious for landslides, has long parts next to open water with no barrier and very windy (as in bends a lot)and slippy when icy. I’m not trying to be ageist but I am uncomfortable with a 78 year old, nearly 79 driving my children in the dark on this road. It’s nearly 2 hours to get there from here as well through very rural countryside. He sees no problem with his family member doing this at all. AIBU to be uncomfortable with it?

You are not BU to feel uncomfortable about it but you can’t do anything about it as the reality of sharing care for a child is that you have no real say over what happens with your child when they are with their other parent or being cared for in a way the other parent has agreed, which includes travel.

You may not be trying to be ageist, but that’s exactly what you are. I’m in my mid 70s and drive up to 20,000 miles a year - I’ve never had an accident and am confident driving in all conditions. If you have concerns about their actual driving ability then YANBU but any judgement based just on age is completely unreasonable.

Beyond simply being 78, have you genuine reason to believe his relative is an unsafe driver? If not, how exH chooses to look after your joint child or who he chooses to give lifts during his time isn’t something you can “do something” about. The road conditions would be the same if your exH was the one doing the driving, you can’t object on that basis.

That’s a very kind family member who sounds pretty competent unless you know otherwise . The only other thing you could do is bring them yourself.

You’re free to be uncomfortable about it, but there’s absolutely nothing you can do to stop it (unless you have concrete evidence besides their age that this person should not be driving, in which case, report anonymously to the DVLA).

If the state considers this person to be a safe driver, then your husband has every right to let them drive your kids around on his time.

My mother is 82 and perfectly fit and able to drive her car. Please don't assume the relative cannot unless you know for sure there is a medical reason why they should not be driving in which case report them to DVLA.

My mums 85, and doesn’t drive at night but is otherwise ok. In her 70s I wouldn’t have worried at all. Is the driver particularly crap?

I would be uncomfortable with this arrangement too, OP but I don’t think there’s much you can do about it.

So EXH is travelling in the car with them too then? If the trip takes 2hrs then I'd imagine it would be even longer via the bus? You also don't seem very happy about the location? However as that's where he lives you can't really stop him from having the children visit.

I mean the only other solution is if you offer for him to stay at your house, or pay for a hotel for him to come where you're located to see the kids (I doubt you want to do either of those).

Even if EXH did learn to drive - as a newly qualified driver it'd be probably less safe for him on the crap road than the 78yr old whose got no doubt years of driving skills under their belt.