DS wants his friends are girls over for a sleepover

[Rosiene]

DS is in Y9, he goes to an all boys school and has struggled to make many friends at school.
He also does multiple sports and has good friends from this, one who’s he’s started playing mixed doubles tennis with for fun. She has become his best friend. Then there is her best friend who is also his friend now. They all meet up outside school for sports etc.

For DS1s birthday he got to have 3 friends over for a sleepover and now DS wants the same, he would have 1 boy and 2 girls over if he had the friends he wanted. He asked if I’d book them an indoor tennis court to play together for an hour or 2, then maybe on the next day take them to the indoor ski centre near us. I really want to encourage these friendships but I’m not sure 13/14 year old girls and boys should be having a sleepover together. He claims that one of the girls has asked her dad and he said it’s fine as long as she’s not the only girl there.

We do technically have a guest room so I could say the girls have to sleep in there but I know what teens on sleepovers are like and for the most part they want to stay up late, watch films, game etc.

AIBU to suggest he just has the boy stay overnight but the girls can come for tennis, go out for dinner then go home and pick them up again the next day for skiing?

You have a spare room for them to sleep in. If you are worried they are going to be sneaking about having sex, then make a few ground rule (no mixed groups with closed doors).
DS might be gay, and be getting up to stuff with his male friend.

DD has had a male (best) friend for sleepovers all through teenage years.

Spare room for the girls and police it until they fall asleep. My mum once slept in the hallway like a loon.

It's up to you (and the girls parents) but my DD's best friend of ten years is a boy and they regularly have sleepovers (she is 15, he is 16).
In the circles my daughter moves in it is quite common for boys and girls to mix at sleep overs especially if there is a group of them, she had a boyfriend recently and he wasn't allowed to sleep over!

Your options are 1/ have them all sleep together downstairs in living room and give the girls the option of the guest room on the proviso if one wants to sleep in it they both must. 2/ you say they can all stay up in one room but when the go to sleep the boys in sons room girls in guest room.
You'll sleep very lightly that night! mostly sleepovers are just an excuse to chat watch films until really late!

Have the guest room available for the girls to have their stuff and so they can get changed in peace. If one girls dad is ok with it, then you just have to find out if the other girls dad is.

Let them stay up watching movies etc but separate rooms when they go to sleep.

DD is 18 now but has always had predominantly male friends. She slept at theirs from age 12 ish and they slept at ours. They visit her at university and sleep on the floor in her room now.

It really does depend on the child. I'm not naive, I teach in a high school, but with DD, there was absolutely no chance of anything untoward. They were and are best friends and no more.

It would be a no for me. I have 3 teen boys are would bot let them go to mix sex sleepover

I would probably be ok with it if the girls slept in the guest room. They can still stay up late and watch movies and chat but if they're doing an activity the next day you will want them to have some sleep too!

I say go for it op, following the advice offered above xx

It's not just one girl, and you have a spare room. (or they could sleep in the living room, it's not a big deal)/

but I know what teens on sleepovers are like and for the most part they want to stay up late, watch films, game etc.

exactly, so being free to go to bed as late as they want is part of the fun, it's ruined if a parent has to come and pick them up. You can't ask the parent to pick up at midnight or 1am.

Make strict rules, because boys/ girls etc.. but absolutely go for it.

And be ready to not sleep much, but who does with a bunch of teenagers? 😂Last weekend sleepovers mine went quiet just before 3am, and they all had a an early football match. Learning consequences right there 😂😂

I remember (centuries ago) when the most precocious girls of our groups had the strictest parents and never allowed a sleepover. They just had sex during the day 😂 long before the rest of us!

I wouldn't put kids in the same bed of course, but I wouldn't ban them from being in the same house.

If you have a son and a daughter, you don't ban sleepovers so there's always teens the opposite sex in the house

It's really healthy for them all to have proper mixed-gender friendships from this age. It never fails to disturb me how many adults just don't how to socialise with the opposite sex (and thus can't relate to them as actual people).

It's also possible that he's gay - dare I say probable, what with the love of tennis as well as not making friends with boys/bonding with girls - and these friendships aren't just healthy but vital. Almost every gay man I know has said their teenage friendships with girls were lifelines when they didn't necessarily fit in with other boys, and every single one had a female BFF as a teenager.

It never fails to disturb me how many adults just don't how to socialise with the opposite sex (and thus can't relate to them as actual people).

so many MN posters are absolutely convinced that no man would ever look at them, let alone speak with them, unless they want to have sex, it's frightening.

(hats off to their amazing body positivity and self-confidence, most women I know don't believe themselves to be so attractive, so every cloud 😂)

I started typing that sentence thinking about men who don't know how to relate to women and halfway through realised where I was and that it also applies to half of MN, who basically think men are sex aliens.

It obviously isn’t an issue at all if he is gay but why would liking tennis make him gay?

It doesn't - it's just that its fanbase skews more LGBT than any other major sport (particularly male fanbase). If I had to hazard a guess as to why, I would think it's to do with it being the most prominent individual sport around. Also one of the few sports where men and women both participate equally (in terms of numbers and the fact that they play alongside each other). Basically it's one of the few mainstream sports for boys that doesn't have overwhelming macho/bro energy.

(Obviously I am saying all this from the perspective of someone who plays and follows tennis herself - it's one of the reasons I'm drawn to it as well.)

While I do understand that, I don’t think it makes it “probable” he is gay and I would be careful with language like that.
DS is also a massive football, F1, skiing and skateboarding fan, he just loves sports and tennis is the sport he is best at playing.
Obviously it makes no odds to me if he is gay, but I’m always keen to make sure that we don’t assign liking things as “probably gay” or “probably straight” as I’d argue sports you like no bearing on your sexuality.

On a side note, it’s interesting to hear your experience of tennis being more LGBT friendly, I think quite notably there are no openly gay male tennis players in the top 100, and I can only think of Daria Kasatkina on the women’s side. When I was younger tennis was heavily associated with very upper middle class families and not very inclusive so I’m very pleased to hear the tennis scene is now pre inclusive. It’s not a sport I’m fully familiar with but it’s nice to know no matter what sexuality DS is, he is part of a nice inclusive community who will be accepting.

Agree. I wouldn't make the girls go home and then come back in the morning, but the boys and girls need to be in separate rooms to sleep.

Things you learn on MN - must be gay to enjoy tennis 🙈🧐.

To answer your question, I would be happy if the girls slept in your spare room, not because I wouldn't trust the boys but to avoid any nervousness or accusations from the other parents.

We've had mixed small groups sleep over. Same sex in the birthday child's bedroom, rest in the spare room, and a no mixing in the night rule. Chances are the girls will prefer that anyway.

My DD has had mixed sleepovers since she was old enough to have them. They all just sleep on blow-up beds in the living room. Never had any problems. They’re friends!

I was thinking this, but thinking about it my best friend and my brother both had lots of great female friends at school (still friends with them now), and were also very into tennis!!

So much naivety on this board!! You are asking for trouble and vastly underestimating how horny and how sneaky Kids that age are - hormones on a stick! I remember y10 london trip at school. Teachers up all night patrolling the hotel corridors and still loads of sex going on (naice grammar school).

I would let him have them all over but Id be really clear about boundaries for sleeping boys in one room, girls in another and I'd commit yourself to a late night. My other boundary would be that you'll give them privacy and respect as long as doors stay open but I'd have that boundary even if they were all the same sex anyway. Then I'd occupy myself in the kitchen or whatever room is closest so you're within earshot. I'd also be clear with parents on what these boundaries will be and offer to speak to them beforehand. I wouldn't go to bed until I know they're all in their beds for the night. I'd also be really tempted to make an agreement about a boundary over smartphones and try to plan some games/movies etc to try and reduce them just sitting about on their phones if they have them. I'd sit down and talk through what boundaries he thinks should be in place first to help everyone feel safe and respected to make him feel like it's coming from him to help him have a really good sleepover experience.

Children can unfortunately get into plenty of difficulties navigating same sex sleepovers as parents underestimate them. I think you've actually got a nice excuse for an opener here to address issues that could come up in a same sex sleepover anyway.