To ask you to help me try and process something that happened 30+ years ago

[swallowthelightonthestairs]

Back in the early 90s I attended the sixth form of a reasonably prestigious private school, which was split by sex, although girls and boys were allowed to socialise. To give some context I was a fat awkward nerd who developed a reputation for having futile crushes on girls which often became public knowledge and a source of ridicule.

The girls' side published a student-penned magazine which had an end of year awards/poll thing, one of which was "most fanciable boy". Guess who win this particular year? Bafflingly I pipped several other lads who were generally regarded as Adonises.

Anyway, it didn't make me any more dateable, and many of my peers delighted in telling me it was obviously a piss take, whilst I furiously said it wasn't, even though I felt in my heart if hearts that it very much was.

Fast forward 30+ years and foolishly I still think about it. Was it a snide joke or a well-meaning attempt to try and boost my self esteem? Would I have been better off owning the fact that I thought it was a joke, instead of looking like a pompous fat pig with an inflated ego? Should they have even been voting on the desirability of the boys in the first place?

I know I'm a bit of a fool for dwelling on something that most people must have long forgotten, but I really do wish I could go back and do my teenage years a lot differently...

Honestly it sounds like a very mean joke. Kids can be brutal. It wouldn’t be allowed to happen these days.

It might not even have been about you. Maybe the Adonises were arrogant and self-centered and the girls wanted to bring them down a peg or two. Maybe the magazine editors were the awkward, fat, nerdy girls and they wanted to get their own back on the Adonises for not fancying them.

Some good advice I read somewhere "Give up all hope of a better past".

I sympathise, as I still remember a few unkind things that were said to me in my youth. If you find it's still upsetting you now, I think it's worthy of a bit of therapy, if you want to go down that route.

I think the girls thought you were a nicer person. At that age, I regarded the so-called Adonises as insufferable bores.

I think many of us look back at our teenage selves and cringe. Idk what the truth behind your anecdote is but if it was a mean joke then chances are some of its perpetrators cringe at doing it now.

i know it’s easier said than done but try not to continue to give this headspace.

It could have been that you were obviously nicer and more mature than the “Adonises”. Or it could have been a horrible joke. Or, it could be that you were far more attractive than you thought you were. It’s impossible for anyone on this board to know.

The question is why are you still thinking about this today? You have gone on to your life. The behaviour of a bunch of random people which occurred over 30 years ago isn’t relevant today and you can’t change it.

Instead of ruminating over something you will never resolve, you should ask yourself why this still matters to you?

Probably a bad joke

Being a crush for someone IS a source of ridicule at that age, so you might just have had a public crush on the wrong girl who tried to get some petty revenge, or tried to make herself look better. It's not great, but it happens.

looking like a pompous fat pig with an inflated ego?
No-one will be as mean as you are about yourself. Everyone was dealing with their own issues, so what is obviously an important event in YOUR life is really not much in others. You really are over-thinking it.

I'm on the side of saying that a good proportion of girls don't like the adonis types and so you got a lot of genuine votes!

The most fancied boys were the nice guys when I was 18.
My daughter is the very same now and in private schooling.
Zero time or interest in fat heads, and she's a real looker.

I know I've read this about boys and I suspect the same is true of girls but the cool, attractive boys in their teens don't necessarily mature well- if you fast forward 10-15 years the nerdy swots have good jobs, confidence, maturity, and are more attractive than their once cool peers

You don't have to carry the judgement of a bunch of teenagers around as if it was the permanent truth about yourself

Thanks all! I know it's daft (and somewhat unhealthy) to still be giving it even a second 's consideration.

I'm actually still vaguely in touch with one of the girls who edited the mag at the time, so part of me supposes I could ask her. Mind you, I imagine she's long forgotten about it!

either she's forgotten or she's completely mortified at the memory- if you're only vaguely in touch I really wouldn't mention it

Well this nonsense would not be allowed these days, and I am sorry you got caught up in it.

I would say teen girls are a complex lot. When I was one we would have been as capable of doing something like that as a cruel pisstake as we would of wanting to big up and be protective of a ‘nice guy’ or underdog in a cuddly sort of way, as we would of doing it as revenge on up-themselves boys who were always trying to take advantage of us.

Please DON'T mention this to the girl you are still in touch with, you will only end up regretting it, and feeling an even bigger fool.

If you can afford it, I think you should get some therapy to help you put this event firmly in the past.

The shame is on them, not you, if indeed it was a joke and not the truth. You're obviously a great guy. Their mistake. Also, you know that this would be unacceptable nowadays - staff would or should step in and shut something like that down. Could you get some help to move your thoughts away from it?

I just don't think a bunch of girls would do that to a harmless "fat awkward nerd" for a nasty joke. At worst, it may have been a pity vote?