Should I keep distance from spiteful sister

[MissRaspberry]

To say the least my relationship with my older sister isn't the best and never has been. She always seems to want to be in competition with anyone. She loves to have everyone believe she's better than everyone. She has turned family members against me with her spiteful and nasty lies. It's mostly aunts and uncles she's done this with and quite honestly I'm not too bothered if they speak to me or not it's their loss I've done nothing to them and have nothing to feel guilty for. Now she's trying to home in on my eldest kids and use them to be petty towards me. When my eldest moved out and left home she messaged her telling her the usual good luck in your new home and added in"if you need anything I'm always here seeing as your mothers too selfish to help you" things like that(this has been a couple of years ago now). Now my second eldest has moved out she moved a 45minute drive away with her boyfriend about 8months ago. Second eldest fell out with me because her boyfriend wasn't being very nice and the relationship appeared to be controlling and the first I heard from her was about 5 weeks ago telling me she was no longer with her boyfriend and was staying with a friend in my local area whilst waiting for her own place to be ready to move into. I found out a few days ago that she didn't stay at a friend's and that she had contacted my sister and stayed with her for about a couple of weeks. My sister has done the same thing telling my daughter that I'm selfish and won't help her(all whilst she's had my daughter there babysitting my sister's young children) my sister told me nothing..if that was her adult child coming to me I'd absolutely tell her as she's his mum regardless. But she's also been slagging me off to my daughter and messaging my partner moaning to him about my daughter and she told my daughter "maybe I should show your mother my conversations with her precious boyfriend maybe then she'll believe that he's a liar and a cheat" it's just all very spiteful. She's a nasty and bitter person. At this point I want nothing more to do with her as all she does is cause drama. She also blocked our younger sister all because she had an opinion on how she treats me all the time and told her to leave me alone and stop with the spiteful behaviour

Are your adult children telling you the content of the messages? How do you know she is saying you are too selfish?
Without knowing you it’s hard to know what’s going on. She could be doing a smear campaign and turning everyone against you unfairly, but equally there could be truth in what is being said. I find it unusual that she contacts your partner directly and speaks badly of you and says your partner is a cheat. What does your partner say about this? Does he defend you? Defend himself? The whole situation sounds quite toxic.

I've seen the messages she sent my daughter about me..she's definitely slagging me off. My other sister told her to lay off and stop being so bitter and spiteful towards me. Older sister blocked her too for giving an opinion on her spiteful behaviour. She just blocks and ignores anyone who doesn't agree with her or calls her out on her spiteful ways..my partner refuses to get involved in her nastiness and tells her not to message him

I have a horrible sister and a nice one. The horrible one has done similar things with relations but not my kids. Make sure your kids know you're always there for them and then ignore and have no more contact with your sister as best you can.
I tried for years with mine mainly to stay in contact with my niece and nephew. She isn't worth the bother, cut her loose.

Same my other sister is the total opposite she's lovely. Just this older sister who's horrible. She's a very spiteful and jealous person. She doesn't like other people being happy because she's always so negative and miserable and expects sympathy from everyone..she's a single parent(same as I am my boyfriend doesn't live with me and isn't my children's father) but she seems to look for validation for "doing it all alone" and can't seem to be happy for anyone else. Like when I got a new job and wanted to celebrate she had to spoil the mood with her spiteful ways

Don’t focus on her. Go very low contact. Your DC will only believe what you do so just make sure you tell them you are always there. But remember it always actions and not words that really matter.

Why are your DDs going to her for support rather than you?

Why on earth would you have any contact with her at all when she behaves like this? And why doesn't your boyfriend just block her so she can't message him? I would go no contact and tell your children why. They are adults and can make their own minds up but you don't have to have anything to do with her.

she messaged her telling her the usual good luck in your new home and added in"if you need anything I'm always here seeing as your mothers too selfish to help you

This would be a very odd thing to say out of the blue. Had you refused to help your eldest? What gave your sister the impression that this was the case? Presumably something your daughter said?

There's obviously a massive backstory with your siblings/family here. But I think the bigger issue for you is what's going on with your daughters.

Why are they both gravitating towards an aunt who is supposedly so horrible to their mother? One is seemingly confiding in her, the other went so far as to move in with her and didn't want you to know.

I expect seeing your daughters' relationship with your sister is only deepening the issues you have with her.

I'm not suggesting your sister isn't a horrible person, but you also say that she's 'turned' other members of your family against you. Presumably these are adults with minds of their own. I'd be taking a look at my own behavior too, and asking myself why so many of my family members seem to be happy to take her side. Hopefully a bit of reflection will help you rebuild your relationship with your daughter.

@MissRaspberry Just the same as mine. On my wedding day she asked me how she looked! She's a complete narcissist and it sounds like yours is too.

No I hadn't refused to help either of my daughters at all. In fact when my eldest moved out I paid her deposits to move into her own place and took her shopping for essentials that she would need before being paid her UC I made sure she had food toiletries cleaning products etc. my second eldest moved out and went to live with her boyfriend after I banned him from our home due to his rude and disrespectful behaviour. I had told my daughter I wouldn't be picking and choosing her boyfriends but I would not allow him to be so horrible to her under my roof either she's an adult after all and I can't tell her who to date/be in a relationship with. Her solution was to move out. Family always seem to take my sister's side because she lies to them. She's nasty to people and when she's called out on her behaviour she cries and says she's being picked on. Her children are autistic and when their assesments were done it was also suggested that she may be autistic too they offered to assess her too and she refused stating that there's nothing wrong with her.

There is nothing wrong with being autistic. People are different, all individuals. It’s a shame she hasn’t agreed to being assessed but possibly she already has strategies in place.

I think it was wrong to ban the boyfriend from your house and predictably this pushed both of them away into no contact. The ban made it difficult to safeguard her and to be accessible in case you were needed. In your shoes I would have kept a close eye on things and supported her to reflect.

The main thing now is to focus on your kids and build positive relationships inwhich they feel cared for and not judged. Forget your sister.

No I know there's nothing wrong with being autistic at all I don't judge her or her kids for that. She believes she's right all the time when she isn't. She thinks it's ok to be spiteful and nasty to people. She doesn't have strategies in place she just believes her behaviour is ok. When our younger sister pulled her up on her spiteful behaviour to me before and asked why she was doing these things she replied with "I was bored and I can do what I like"

As for my daughter's boyfriend he had plenty of warnings to behave himself and I told my daughter that she shouldn't be allowing him to talk to her or treat her that way. She knew I'd defend her and help her as I always did especially where he was concerned. I didn't want him here as I didn't want my younger children having to hear their arguments this is their home as much as it is their sister's and it wasn't fair on them to have to see and hear their sister being disrespected

No I hadn't refused to help either of my daughters at all.

So why, at that point, didn't your daughter say "My mum has helped me with everything thanks, what makes you think she hasn't?" There's absolutely no way I'd allow someone to talk about my mother like that. I certainly wouldn't be associating with them afterwards.

Family always seem to take my sister's side because she lies to them. She's nasty to people and when she's called out on her behaviour she cries and says she's being picked on.

This is my point - She has a reputation as a liar, she's nasty to people, she throws tantrums and cuts people in the family off...so why, knowing all that, are members of your family still so willing to take her side over yours? It's not really painting you in a good light, unless you're suggesting that your entire family are unwilling or incapable of separating truth from fiction?

Your question was whether you should distance yourself from your sister and I think you absolutely should. But I'd be willing to bet that you have some issues of your own to work on, and if you don't, it might not just be your sister you end up distanced from.

Cut her out of your life. She’s using your children as weapons against you. It’s a pity they can’t see that 😢

Sibling alienation is a real but not often talked about issue. Where one usually badmouths a sibling to other siblings. And destroys relationships.
They may well on the face of it appear to the other siblings very put upon, hard done by, and very pro family friendly. But are anything but.
It often can occur in families where there is at least one parent who is dysfunctional. And certainly where there has been no attempt to teach respect amongst siblings. The parent is likely to have talked negatively to siblings about their siblings. And even their partner.
It occurs far more than realised. And is professionally studied. But needs more focus, study and awareness.
It destroys relationships.

You need to have a better relationship with your daughters.

You should have already asked them if they need any help. The fact that they didn’t is rather telling.

Yes, you should cut off your sister - but this situation is about more than your sister being spiteful.

We were raised by a single dad. She married young and had a child. She had some specific expectations from our dad when her son was born. It was see her child a specific amount of times each week on certain days or don't bother at all. Dad sent Christmas gifts which were put in the bin or sent to the charity shop if she didn't think they were good enough she cut everyone off for years. Now she's bothered again I think dad tried too hard to not have her cut him off again and she has kind of become his favourite. he isn't very nice to me he talks to me like shit whilst my sister defends him being nasty and spiteful. She's up his backside basically because she knows he will do all sorts for her whilst totally ignoring the fact he has other children and grandchildren. I no longer speak to my dad because last I saw him he told me to shut up and that I talk too much whilst having a conversation with his wife. my younger sister also doesn't speak to dad any more either. She posted in a parent page about being the eldest of three siblings and being the only one who bothers with our dad(she bothers because he helps her financially since he gifted her a car that she said wasn't good enough and now feels that he should contribute towards any new cars that she gets purely for giving her a "shit car that's cost her money to replace")

UPDATE
She's definitely causing trouble now. She called me earlier saying something about keep an eye on my credit file. Stated that somebody has apparently applied for a credit card in her name using her address name and date of birth. She said she doesn't want to openly accuse anyone but that my two eldest daughters are always asking to borrow money. My eldest doesn't know where she lives for a start off my second eldest does obviously as she stayed there for a while but never had a key to her house. She's created a group chat on WhatsApp and added my daughter's and two other guys she knows on there informing them that credit card fraud has been commited in her name using her address date of birth etc to obtain a credit card and that both action fraud and the police have been informed so she will soon know who did it so "good luck fuckers 🖕". Clearly openly accusing them in a group chat(I wasn't added to this group chat my daughters showed me the group messages). As her address has been used surely any credit card would come to her house meaning whoever did it has open access to her home. My daughters don't have free access to her home as I said my eldest doesn't even have her address. No doubt she's probably spreading it around family members that my daughters have tried to defraud her. She really seems to be on some huge smear campaign and is now using my kids to do it.

Your sister is so trashy!

Your daughter's need to cut her off - you need to cut her off.

My daughters have cut her off. Second eldest has called her out on the blatant accusation and told her to basically fuck off. My sister actually messaged me saying as if your daughter has had the nerve to give attitude after helping her out I told her well to be honest if you're going to blatantly accuse her of fraud she has every right to defend herself. None of my kids want anything to do with my sister any more because of her nasty ways

So I called her out nicely and very calmly considering she's used my kids for attention and drama and she's blocked me and told me to fuck off basically. She's clearly got a problem with me and doesn't like it that I called her out for using my kids to create drama. Photos attached. Crossed out names for privacy