To complain to the school

[catgirl1976]

DS is 14. He’s largely well behaved but like most teenagers does the odd stupid thing.

i got a call from school today to say he’d been bullying another pupil.

I asked what had happened and he had apparently thrown a cake at a boy and thrown an orange at him the previous day and was being put in isolation for the rest of today and all of Monday. Fair enough. Throwing food at another pupil is totally unacceptable and there should be consequences.

However I asked if they had spoken to DS and if he had said why he had done this. The teacher said yes and he had said the boy had called him a cunt. She then said she told DS it wasn’t her job to believe or disbelieve him but she had had the pleasure of teaching this boy and he was a model student so she didn’t believe DS. So DS had done this for no reason

i said I didn’t believe that DS had done this for no reason and that he had told me last week about this boy calling him a cunt. I also said that DS isn’t perfect but he is honest. However he was not good at putting across his side of things and when confronted tended to shut down and just say yes and I struggled to get him to report things as he was worried he wouldn’t be believed. Which she had now just cemented.

DD came home and told me that he explained this boy had been calling him greasy, fat, a fat cunt and so on for about a week and also getting his friends to squirt water at them. He told the teacher this and she said about not believing him due to this other child being a model pupil. She then went through DSs behaviour record noting two previous incidents (pushing a friend over when playing too roughly and an incident where another boy beat DS up but he also got sanctioned as he fought back though came off a lot worse and it was acknowledged by the school he didn’t start it). The school says they start each day at zero with behaviour. Clearly not.

she then told DS she though the reason he had thrown food at this boy was that he was smaller than him and an easy target. DS is six foot tall. They are all smaller than him.

I wonder if she would comment on his motivations being due to any other physical characteristics such as him being fat? I think it’s inappropriate.

obviously I am cross at DS for throwing the food and agre he needs to be punished. However o am angry that HE has been bullied by the other child which has been totally dismissed based on the teachers opinion of the other boy, that he was not believed and that she commented on his physical appearance as a motivator.

AIBU to contact the school and raise this or am o being “that” mum?

Is he supposed to shrink himself?

Op it sounds like your DS told you about the verbal abuse before the subsequent incidents where he retaliated by throwing food?

Did he report prior to the incident and it was brushed off? If so, you do need to email school to make them aware of this.

Obviously he needs to be punished for throwing food but he also needs to be supported by school to come up with a better response if staff are not responding to him reporting verbal abuse.

i completely understand where you are coming from with regard to the height issue. The pressure on children who happen to be taller or hit their growth spurts earlier is very real and if they stood out physically in a different way this would not be tolerated. I can see the biases in some of the responses on this thread.

So bullying is permitted if the victim does not have any witnesses willing to testify?

I’m not a teacher but am a student manager. I’d be looking into both sides of the story. Probably would mean both received a consequence. I’d be taking statements and looking at the balance of probability.

I didn't say it was permitted.

I just said that a school can only punish where they have evidence of wrong doing.

But we only have the OPs word and as the OP wasn't there and is repeating whqt her son said that the teacher said then I cannot pass judgement. If the OP actually heard the teacher say that themselves then that would have been different.

As the OPs son was upset then its possible/likely he heard one thing but has added his only conclusion. E.g. the teacher looked up the other child and commented the boy had no behaviour history. The OPs son could have then interpreted this as the teacher giving this as a reason why he could not have said it.

This scenario happens a lot.

Ex teacher

your child needs to report when he is called names and abusive language is used.

it means that if and when he retaliates there is already reports that the other student is provoking.

schools do come down harder on throwing things and physical actions than words in general (unless racist or homophobic language).

The teacher told me herself she had told DS she didn’t believe in because the other boy was a model stident

So in other words any student that can suck up to her — which is to say, most bullies — can’t possibly be a bully. Since she confirmed those were her words, I would make the head aware of that. That is not an attitude that is compatible with safeguarding the wellbeing of children.

When people talk about schools and teachers doing nothing about bullies, this is the sort of teacher they’re picturing.

I am usually always on the side of teachers.

On this occasion, if what your son is saying is true? Calling someone a cunt/fat repeatedly and then getting this reaction, well, serves the ‘model student’ right. Maybe he will think before opening his gob next time.

Kids can only take so much before they lose their shit. I agree with the other 70% of voters.

I see 2 separate issues if your child is being called names or other students acting badly towards them that should be reported

Acting badly towards them needs it own punishment this idea of 'well they started it' is not the answer

Parents can justify bad behaviour all they want if it is wrong for one it is wrong for all