Its a Christmas One

[Woodenwonder]

To set the scene:

DD (23) was supposed to go travelling to Aus last year but came back after a month. In that time I moved in fully with my husband (her step-dad) around 60 miles away and this is also where I work. I kept my house on and when DD returned she stayed at our house. I go back to the house weekly and work remotely from there so I can spend time with her.

We usually spend Christmas with my family - lots of little family traditions and raucous times and she really values this.

This year, however, and for the first time in many years my DH's family have organised a family trip over Christmas and it's only fair that we spend a Christmas with his side of the family. As well as this my family members are all doing their own thing as we have a year off from spending it all together.

DD has been invited with DH's family but it's some distance from home and she's reluctant to go as this will take her away from plans that could happen with friends at home - understandable.

BUT, because she can't/won't go she is now getting upset that Christmas wont be as it usually is. I have negotiated with my DH (who is endlessly understanding) that I have Christmas Eve with my DD and Christmas morning and then drive to where he is with his family. DD and I for context have never been apart on Christmas Morning. It was then organised for DD to join a very close family friend for their Christmas Afternoon.

Now DD is saying she is upset and depressed at the thought of Christmas Day and is dreading it - to the point she has said she doesn't want a tree in the house which in fairness, she occupies more than me but it's still MY house.

I always put the tree up this first weekend, to commemorate my mum and her mum as she always put it up this weekend as well, so it means a lot to me.

I've re-iterated to DD that this is a ritual that holds emotional weight for me and that I will be having a tree at my house regardless of me not being there 24/7.

Her argument is I should just have one at the apartment I share with my DH and not rub Christmas in her face at the house.

Am I being unreasonable to want to go ahead and put the tree up?

Yes, just put one up in your new house. You've moved out.

There are no perfect solutions in life, just trade offs. Your daughter has a number of nice options at Christmas, not perfect, and each has upsides and downsides. That's life and she needs to learn to deal with it. Put your tree up, OP.

What's more important, the tree ritual, or the fact that your dd says it'll upset her?

Seems to me that there has been huge amount of change in your DD's life.

Travelling didn't pan out, you have moved out and now she is losing christmas.

Why can't she be included in your side's christmas even if you aren't going? It sounds fabulous.

Or would your family be open to including your DH family in their christmas so you could all go?

My DC really value our family Christmas-I know many who don't.

I hope you can find a way to a happy christmas...

put up the tree, she’ll cope. She needs to understand that people have made plans, efforts have been made to include her, but life goes on.

I think that the upset feels like manipulation as she's showing no empathy for why I want to put it up (bear in mind I know her better than anyone) So from my point of view I want to assert my own feelings as so far, I'm the only one driving around Christmas on Christmas Day to make all the compromises to please every one - it was ever thus as a wife and mum, I know.

Sorry if I didn't make it clear but my family (3 siblings and their spouses and cousins and grandkids etc etc) are all doing their own thing as well this year just in their own units as new babies have arrive so this is the first year in quite a few that we'd all made the decision to do that. So I think she'd feel a bit odd just joining on although any of them would be glad to have her. In terms of DH's family, they life about 2 hours away and have booked this trip that we are very much mandated to be at, after spending the last several years with my family, which is totally fair.

The DD is an adult and so is the OP. Not doing the tree ritual sounds like it would upset OP; having it sounds like it would upset the daughter. Neither's feelings actually take precedence.

Honestly, she's being cakeist about Christmas. She wants to spend it with OP, but she doesn't want to travel and miss out on any plans either friends, but also doesn't want to spend part of Christmas with her friend. Her usual Christmas isn't an option this year but OP has already made significant compromises to her plans to ensure she's included.

She's at an age where it's ok to learn that not everything revolves around her, to manage her own responses and recognise her impact on others, and recognise that other people's priorities are equally valid.

I appreciate this response thank you, as it feels like you really get the whole situation

Will it actually upset her though? Or is she just trying to emotionally blackmail the OP?

"DD has been invited with DH's family but it's some distance from home and she's reluctant to go as this will take her away from plans that could happen with friends at home - understandable."

She's 23 for christ sake. She's been given options and she doesn't want any of them. I notice she isn't offering to cancel her plans with friends to accommodate her mum. And yes, if you want to put a tree up in your house go right ahead OP. If your daughter goes into some kind of teenage meltdown about it then she needs to fucking well grow up. She sounds very fortunate and very spoilt on the whole.

I imagine she'll look back when she's older and cringe thinking about her behaviour. She can go with you for Christmas or stay home and see friends, up to her but I wouldn't be tying myself up in knots about it. She's an adult!

I would leave the tree if she doesn't want it as she's the main one living there. She can always put one up later if she gets over her little sulk.

She was invited with to go with you and your DH and refused on the basis that there might be plans with friends? Seems she has realised that their plans will not include her. As a pp has said some sabotage seems to be going on and she's trying to ruin the OPs plans. I'd tell her to grow up. That she was and still is invited to go with you and that if she doesn't want to she can't expect you to change plans

As for putting a tree up in your own home, then I think you should do that.

Hi, start your own thread and youll get answers to the question x

Advive will depend on the age of the baby,so add that to your thread. Hope baby feels better soon.

I’d say,
-as I’m organising my Christmas around being here with you, it’s only fair that we have a tree.

you did make it clear in your first post.

Basically she's being even more unreasonable, as even if you weren't joining your DH's family, your "usual" big family Christmas wouldn't be happening anyway, so she'd still be having a different/more low key Christmas either way.

She is definitely BU. Presumably you weren't guilt tripping her about your Christmas being different/missing her when the plan was that she'd be away travelling, so she is being ridiculous being so pathetic when you've tried your best to accommodate her. If she doesn't want to put a Christmas tree up she doesn't have to but she can't stop you from doing so in your own house!

She’s an adult - that means she can decide to go travelling, and also that she needs to start being responsible for her own life. Part of growing up is that things like Christmas change. She’s pretty bloody lucky you kept your house on, let her live in it and arrange your life around visiting her - she’s 23, not 18.

That said, I think you’re unreasonable about the tree. I think if it’s her home but not your “home” (even though it’s your house) then I think you each decorate your homes for Christmas as you want.